51 ~ Reflecting and Accepting Our Past

Have you ever found yourself interacting with your inner critic, and punisher as if they were your only friends? In this episode we talk about those moments in time when you are questioning the decisions that shaped your life. Those questions really lead to nowhere as the past is long gone, yet we do get stuck there sometimes.

Brenda and Catherine bring you into their world of reflection and discovery as they share their personal stories of regret and self-doubt. Embrace the raw honesty as Brenda offers compassionate wisdom on navigating powerful emotions, while Catherine opens up about confronting unexpected self-doubt despite her usual glass half full outlook on life. Their heartfelt exchange reveals that such struggles are universal, transcending age and experience.

Life's boldest decisions often come laden with emotional weight. Look through the lens of Brenda and Catherine’s experiences with significant life changes—whether it's leaving a career or ending a marriage. By reflecting honestly on who and where they were at the time they made said decisions, they are able to remember the context and the emotional states that influenced their choices at said time. They remind us to extend self-compassion and to recognize that past decisions were made with the best knowledge available at the time. This compassionate perspective can help break the relentless cycle of personal bullying, second-guessing and judgement, fostering a more accepting view of our life’s journey.

Lastly, explore the duality of life paths and the “sister life” concept inspired by Cheryl Strayed's "Tiny Beautiful Things." Brenda and Catherine discuss the grief associated with the roads not taken and how high achievers often battle with feelings of inadequacy, drawing from Dan Sullivan's (and Dr. Benjamin Hardy's) insights on "The Gap and The Gain". They stress the importance of measuring progress against our past selves, not against an ever-elusive ideal. 

This conversation reinforces the value of personal growth and self-acceptance, encouraging listeners to embrace their own journeys towards true contentment and self-discovery.

Chapters

• 0:08 Exploring Life's Decisions With Wisdom
• 10:41 Navigating Life's Bold Decisions
• 14:55 Navigating Life's Inner Demons and Gains
• 23:10 Embracing Reality and Self-Acceptance

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student, even after decades of inner work.

Speaker 2: 1:00

We are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire, piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire. Welcome back to another episode of Desire as Medicine. So Brenda and I had been talking about what it feels like in the different trials and tribulations of coming into 50s and what that feels like, and I vulnerably shared, without stuttering, that my brain started to do funny things and Brenda's just so amazing at what she does. I had gone to Brenda to talk to her about this and she's like, yeah, there's grief.

Speaker 1: 2:02

We talked about that part in another episode. There's grief to turning 50. There's, you know, it's similar to having children and turning into Mama Crone and moving away from Maiden. There's definitely grief in that transition of life. But she had me do something which was brilliant I'm just going to keep saying that she's brilliant this episode and she was like, can you go back to any of the decisions that you are second guessing in your life and can you just be with that part of yourself and like, would you honestly do it differently? Can you remember that?

Speaker 2: 2:47

Brenda, I remember it well and it's a spot that I've spent a good amount of time in, which is it was actually really beautiful After our conversation. From my end, I was able to see how far I've come for myself in that spot by being able to hold you through it, and the wisdom that I've gained from really the years of beating myself up and wondering how I got here and if I had only done it that way or if I had only chosen this instead of that, and just the all the unknowns inside of that. Um, yeah, there's just some real great medicine of acceptance that I've gotten in this spot, and so it was really beautiful to see you in your process, um, and just be there with you inside of it, because I think that it's a spot that we go through. This isn't a 50s thing either. It's not a getting older thing. This is just a human thing, like I think, at every age of our life we make decisions and we never know how they're going to turn out. We follow our desire, we take a risk. We don't know how they're going to turn out. We follow our desire, we take a risk. We don't know how it's going to turn out. There's no guarantees that it's going to go a certain way, just because we want it to. And then what do you do with that afterwards when it doesn't go the way you wanted? You know, when it falls flat or you get hurt, you lose your money, you hurt people you love. You're maybe in a difficult situation now because of choices that you made in the past. That's challenging. How do we be with that? And it can really be confusing for our being to be in that spot, and it's very easy.

Speaker 2: 4:47

I think the go-to is just to beat yourself up. You know, just to beat yourself up and say, well, I did it wrong, I messed up my life, I screwed it up and now I'm stuck with these consequences. It's just a downward spiral. It doesn't go anywhere. Good, it just doesn't. And the beauty of it, if you're listening and you're in this spot, is sometimes you do have to circle around that spot a bunch of times before you pop out. And that's okay, you know wherever you are. In any process, there's always something to learn, even when you're quote stuck. Just be stuck, and there's something for you to learn in the stuckness. So I don't recommend beating yourself up. I think it's painful, but sometimes we just go in that door and we do it, and then maybe you do it enough and you have a little bit more awareness and you say I think I'm going to choose something differently this time, because there is something different to choose.

Speaker 1: 5:56

Thank you for that. I also want to point out that you have so much wisdom here. I definitely have an inner critic voice. I definitely have an inner critic voice. I definitely have an inner punisher voice. It's very present. The voice is very of today.

Speaker 1: 6:13

I haven't really been the person that regrets things that I've already done. I haven't been someone that looks back, or that I guess the term is like. I haven't really cried over spilled milk, it's sort of. It happened. We clean it up, we move forward.

Speaker 1: 6:34

So to land somewhere where I'm like oh, my goodness, what was me? Where am I? How did I get here? Oh, I really made some dumb decisions. I was like, wow, what is happening with my mind? What is going on right now? This is different, right, and Brenda, you had me go back in time. I said this a little bit earlier. I'm going to go deeper into it, go back in time and start thinking about.

Speaker 1: 7:02

I think the decision that I was being with was like getting out of corporate and not saying that route. You had me go back and think to what that was like for me and why did I make that choice. I'm like oh, yes, I had health issues and that's not a magical prescription, because 95% of everything is stress-induced. So I'm not saying that I was special in any way. It's just okay, here I am, I'm in corporate and I have tons of stress that, for whatever reason, I'm unable to really straddle and hold or be with everything that was happening. There were other things happening. At the time I really didn't have access to my emotions. I was very cut off. I was very frozen. There were all these things that were occurring and the only exit that I could really see was oh, I'm going to have to put this down and live my life differently.

Speaker 1: 8:09

And so you had me go back and I sat in that seat of where I was in my early 30s back then and I had to be really honest. You asked me to be really honest with myself. Would I still choose that? And to be with what would the opposite choice be? And I was like well, the opposite choice would be to have stayed in corporate, have continued to be cut off and non-feeling, to be able to stay in the rat race in the way that I was staying in the rat race back then, and I honestly at that time thought that the things I was going through could potentially become cancerous and then I would just die Like I really thought that I was choosing the best of the evils.

Speaker 1: 9:09

I haven't really. I had not really had to do that exercise in that way before, so thank you for that. It was a really honest way of air quotes getting sober right. I was sort of drunk on the idea that I could have chosen differently and that therefore, in that drunkenness, the drunken lie, I get to beat myself up. Or what was me think about? What life could, how life could have been, versus go back, be with the circumstances just as they were, be with the woman that I was just at that time. And now what, catherine? Now what do you choose? And I was like well, I mean, clearly I made the best choice at the time.

Speaker 2: 9:51

Yeah, it's a really beautiful process and I think it's really easy to sit here now and look back and question what you did in the past. And it's a really vulnerable pose to give yourself and a loving, a loving pose to give yourself the space and you did this beautifully to really go back and sit in who you were at that time and what were the circumstances of your life, and really asking yourself what was going on in my life when I made this decision and why did you make this decision and what was it like to make this decision? Because what I know of you and what I know of a lot of people myself included, a lot of our listeners, I'm sure is we don't take making big decisions in our life lightly. It's a big deal to leave corporate. I did a similar thing.

Speaker 2: 11:03

I left my 22 year teaching career. It was a big deal. I left a marriage. It's a big deal. These are big life decisions and you know, we went back and we we asked you um, why, what had you make this choice? And and then when you sat in it, it you couldn't have chosen anything different and you brought up health and the decision that you made was a really loving decision. You took a really big risk to leave corporate and put your health first and not really know what the path was going to look like that's. That's a brave, bold move, and I don't think it's an easy one, and I doubt very much that you took it lightly. So I think giving yourself the chance to go back and sit in that is a beautiful gift.

Speaker 1: 12:07

Agreed, and I think the other thing that I learned in that exercise that you walked me through is that it was a hard decision and there were risks either way. So if I stayed in corporate and I and we're just using one of the many, I mean spots on the timeline that we went through that day but if I had stayed in corporate and stayed in those same circumstances where I wasn't really feeling my feelings and I wasn't digesting and I wasn't really processing things, I wasn't really feeling I was, I had not really thought out, I was pretty tight and, um, like staying would have had potentially negative effects on my health maybe right, we don't know. Like that's the thing, even if I look back and say I could have chosen differently, I don't know if it would have been better or worse. I think that when I'm beating myself up during this round, if I'm thinking back, I had this tendency of thinking back and thinking back. I had this tendency of thinking back and thinking that if I had made the different choice, that it would be so much better. But the sober truth is that we don't really know and it could have been better, like it could have been worse. We just don't know.

Speaker 1: 13:19

All we know is the choice we made, and and really what made looking back so much easier was feeling into who I was at the time, what the choices were at the time, what the circumstances were at the time, and if I would go back to that moment not with what I know now, because I can't do that. I can't go back with what I know now, I can only go be there with what I knew then. Would I have chosen any different then? At every marker on the timeline, the truth was oh no, I actually did the best that I could with what I had at that time, and we can't ask for better than that from ourselves.

Speaker 1: 14:01

It's actually not kind, it's not true, we can't. I know that there are people that say, well, if I knew then what I knew now, I mean, but that is, we don't have time machines yet. It's not. It's just not a possibility. We do the best we can with what we have at the time. Hopefully, and I think the next step is that when we start to look back and start to second guess and question our choices, that we lovingly accept that the truth is that we did the best we could, because to think of it of any other way is just not kind.

Speaker 2: 14:46

Hallelujah, it's really true and I want to bring in this great story that I read. It's in this book that I have called Tiny Beautiful Things. There's this man and he writes in. The author is Cheryl Strayed and she's called Dear Sugar. And so somebody wrote in to Dear Sugar.

Speaker 2: 15:06

She had an advice column in a newspaper I can't decide if I should be a father or not and my wife and I have this beautiful life. We have such a great time, we bike ride, we do whatever we want, but then we also have this yearning for this child and I just can't decide. And she gave this beautiful piece of advice which I thought about many times, and that is you will choose. Okay, so you'll choose either direction and whichever one you choose, there's grief and loss and not choosing the other one. And the one that you choose is your life, and the one that you didn't choose is your sister life. It's like there's a whole sister life that you didn't choose.

Speaker 2: 15:56

You know where? I stayed in my teaching job and I stayed married and I didn't sell my suburban house and I still lived there and house and I still lived there. It's like a whole life that just didn't exist. And there's grief in that life because I didn't get to live it, and maybe it was beautiful and maybe it was worse or terrible. I have no idea what. All I do know is that I chose what I chose and that is my life that I'm living, and so I think it's really important to acknowledge this thing that we gave up and feel the grief and the loss of that, because it's true and it's real grief and the loss of that, because it's true and it's real. I do have grief of my marriage ending. I do have grief of leaving a career that I loved, and then there's actual consequences of those actions as well that I've lived with, and so I think it's just a really beautiful way of looking at that.

Speaker 1: 17:07

First, what a great story, dear Sugar. I love that so much. Love, dear Sugar. The whole concept and, oh, the concept of sister life is just so juicy. Thank you so much for sharing that and bringing that in. And then it has me think about, in this inquiry that I've been having around, whoa, what is happening to my mind? Who hijacked it? And like who's the critter that's living inside? It almost feels like there's a little demon in there, just inside my brain, not even on each shoulder, just like what's happening.

Speaker 1: 17:46

I have a different friend who said oh, you are sounds. She said to me, catherine, it sounds like you're measuring yourself to an ideal, like you have an idea of what life would ideally be like, versus really pausing and asking yourself where did I start and where am I now? There's a whole book on it by Dan Sullivan. It's called the Gap and the Gain and the way he describes it is that when we're in the gap we're just miserable. The gap is where I am now to the ideal place, like my nirvana, my ideal life, the ideal, catherine, that I want to be. If I'm looking at my life and I'm measuring myself to that ideal, he says it's like the horizon You're driving and you're driving towards the horizon, but the horizon is always moving. So the ideal version of me, or the goal that I want, or potentially the desire that we are aiming for, is this horizon that's always moving. So we're never actually hitting the horizon. Versus wherever we are right now, we started somewhere that is not here, because here is growth, and if I measure myself between here and there, where I was, well, that is the gain. That gain has already happened. I already got to surpass certain places in my life and where I'm looking to go. The ideal is yet to happen and all we do every day is sort of move towards that. And as I spoke with her and I read the book and all that kinds of stuff, I said, oh wow, I didn't even know this thing existed.

Speaker 1: 19:49

Let's start with this brain. Apparently, it is very common in high achievers. It's actually in his book he discusses. Because I started reading the book, clearly, of course, I was going to do that, but because my brain was going ah, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la. Okay, he speaks about high achievers and he speaks about percentage wise. A lot of people who have committed suicide are actually high achievers. That people think, oh, it must be somebody who's really sad or somebody who hasn't really accomplished anything, and then they're just like F it, you know, like I didn't get anywhere, whatever. This is not worth it. It's usually someone who wants so much for themselves. It's, more often than not, somebody that wants so much for themselves and just can never feel the happiness, that pursuit of happiness. And so in his, in this book, he proposes that we really stop and measure ourselves to where we were, and this has been happening.

Speaker 1: 20:52

I've been kind of going through this for the past two months, maybe two and a half or something. I would say that for the past half month, maybe two and a half, three weeks, I'm kind of almost on the other side of it, thankfully to you, brenda, and all my gorgeous friends and everybody that's had my back. I love you all. If you're listening, thank you so much for being you. It's a really scary time. I've always been a very glass half full kind of person. To find myself in a location where I really felt like doom and gloom, half like glass, half empty, was really scary. I thought, holy crap, I'm losing my marbles, something's going on with my brain and I need to get a grip of it.

Speaker 1: 21:42

So when I started to read this book with Dan Sullivan, I said, oh okay, there's a whole population of people out there that go through this. Oh okay, so we have to sort of reorient ourselves. So I think it's Dan Sullivan and the writer is Harvey. I want to. I don't remember his first name right now, but he asked Dan like how often does this happen to you? I think Dan says something like only five or seven times a day Do I have to remind myself? And it's so funny.

Speaker 1: 22:18

He says I tell my student he's like I've been teaching this for 30 years the difference between the gap and the gain. And he says and sometimes you just don't get it. So he in the book describes a time where he's teaching this to someone. It's finally developing. He's teaching a course and he's telling the person who's like I'm not good enough or whatever version of that they're saying. This gentleman is screaming. It's like a mastermind setup.

Speaker 1: 22:42

So everybody else in the room is like oh yeah, I get it, I get it. You're measuring yourself between you and the ideal. Oh, yes, it's a horizon. Oop, bing, bing, bing. Yes, it's moving. Of course, you're never going to get it. Oh, my goodness, where I was to where I've been. This is amazing. I've moved so much, right, people are really popping in the room, everybody's grabbing it and getting it and the guy is just like I don't understand. And that's the truth. Sometimes we just don't see, we just don't get it.

Speaker 1: 23:10

And this episode is really hoping that you get it and that you really want to measure yourself against where you were and not your ideal, because this is where happiness is. It's not in the pursuit of what we're going to get. It's like, yes, we gain happiness in the person that we become as we go for something, because we change who we are. But in actuality, if nothing changed and today was the last day on earth all I really have is who I am right now and who I was and the memories I gained and the lessons I gained in the process. And it's been a gorgeous reminder the past few weeks to remember that, past few weeks, to remember that. And if I'm honest with myself, in that case, then I am first generation American. All right, I'm getting emotional. I am a graduate, a college graduate. I am middle class. There have been certain markers that I have reached that nobody can take from me.

Speaker 2: 24:26

Thank you for sharing all of that and for sharing your heart and letting us feel you there. This has been really huge. What a gorgeous opening you're having and what a beautiful testament to your journey to be able to say these things. This is where I am, thank you, and when I hear you, I first of all the story is amazing and this book sounds incredible. I've heard you speak about it recently before and it makes so much sense. It recently before and it makes so much sense it.

Speaker 2: 25:04

What it feels like to me is being in reality, like getting yourself into reality, cause it's so easy to judge ourselves or compare ourselves to other people or an ideal that we have about ourselves. But what you're saying is get real, girl, get into reality and can you accept that. And the acceptance is what brings you the joy and the happiness and the peace in your heart for where you are in your life, and that's everything. Having that is absolutely everything, and that's a lot of what we've been talking about on this podcast in our self-love series is can you accept yourself where you are, because that's the most loving thing that you can do, and so it's been beautiful to watch you through this process and there's so much wisdom here. There's so much wisdom here that I've seen you step into in your 50s.

Speaker 1: 25:58

There really is. There really is and you know the more light-hearted pieces have been in this study as well a lot of um, my friends, socioeconomic excellence has really been poured forth where I've been looking at our education system and how we've learned and what we learn in school, what we don't learn in school, how so many things are not taught in schools, like look at even our education, brenda, on coaching and relationships and orgasm and intimacy and desire. All of these things were all things that we learned outside of the classroom. It's definitely nowhere in a year one through 12 sort of classroom, and myself I think about I was very young when my mom passed, so I would even say I went to cooking school. That was something I did that I didn't learn in school. That was a skill that I needed, that I was lacking. I wanted to have it, so I did that.

Speaker 1: 27:00

And when we look at society, we look at the American dream, like how much of it is actually, how much of it is able, how many people, how many of us are able to actually fulfill our biggest dreams are to our horizon? There are a lot of learning curves there and we don't learn them in school, and so it has definitely had me pause and really say, all right, well, what do I want to have in my university syllabus? Moving forward, what are the pieces and parts that I'm looking to learn? Instead of like crying over the spilled milk when we were talking before about potentially any grief of the things that I have not been able to experience or I haven't been able to have, all right, can I be happy and find happiness in where I am right now, based on where I was and what's needed for me as I continue to march forward, as I go towards the things that I still have yet to touch, knowing that some of those subjects aren't so easily available.

Speaker 2: 28:06

It really also reminds me of the journey of life and these callings on our soul in a way, this experience that you had of leaving corporate, and I think these things come to us as part of our soul's journey, our lessons in life. We're not here, so everything can just like be smooth and go okay and everything's great Like. What would that be Like?

Speaker 2: 28:31

maybe, yeah, maybe we'd like a day or two like that every now and then, or, okay, a week or a year, but that's not really what we're here for in our bodies on this earth. We're here to have an experience, we're here to grow, we're here to learn, and we do that by following these callings, these you know visions or these desires, and we learn along the way, and that's what this whole podcast is about, and I just get so tickled when it comes back to that. You know, like you followed this calling to leave corporate and it's been such a journey and you've absolutely been growing into the person who you are right now, which is a really beautiful human being. Same for me yeah, you're welcome. And same for me, like all the wisdom and all the gifts that I have in my life are because of the hard choices that I made along the way and the easy choices. Some of them were easy. This is life.

Speaker 1: 29:43

Thank you so much for engaging in this conversation with me and for being willing to like pull all the threads, because I'm sure I have pulled the threads on this one to exhaustion because I really was like what is happening, and so thank you for being on this ride with me. Is there anything else that you want to either share or let our listeners know on the topic, do you? Feel somewhat complete.

Speaker 2: 30:11

I feel complete. I think it's a great inquiry to ask yourself what are some decisions that you've made in your past that maybe you're stuck on, and you know you're stuck on them because they'll circle around in your brain over and over and over again. You might not even realize it, but if you think about what are those thoughts that you say, oh, I wish I did that. I wish I did that. I wish I did that. Those are the things that you might be stuck on and maybe walk yourself through this exercise of sitting with who you were back then and what caused you to make the decision that you did, and what was that decision like? I bet it wasn't so easy. And if you need help with that, catherine and I guide people through these processes in groups and one-on-one settings and we are happy to talk to you about that at any time.

Speaker 1: 31:08

Thank you so much, brenda. That was brilliant. Thank you guys for listening once again to the Desires Medicine podcast. If you enjoyed this, if you have been enjoying the podcast, please hit follow. It helps us. And if you feel inclined to write a review and rate us with those pretty little stars on Apple Podcasts, please do so. If you send us a screenshot to either Instagram or our emails, we'll be more than happy to provide you with a really beautiful gift and with that until next time. Thank you for listening.

Speaker 2: 31:49

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

Speaker 1: 31:53

Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes.

Speaker 2: 32:01

We'd love to hear from you.