Desire As Medicine Podcast
Catherine & Brenda interview people and talk to each other about desire. They always come back to us being 100% responsible for our desires.
Contact us by email:
desireasmedicine@gmail.com
catherine@catherinenavarro.com
goddessbrenda24@gmail.com
Instagram:
@desireasmedicine
@CoachCatherineN
@Brenda_Fredericks
Desire As Medicine Podcast
57 ~ Serving Others and Personal Boundaries with Peter Sweeney
Ever wondered how embracing all parts of yourself—good and bad—can transform your life? Join us as we sit down with Brenda's dear friend Peter Sweeney, a man whose open-hearted nature and dedication to personal growth has left a lasting impression on so many.
Peter shares his profound insights on self-love, emphasizing the necessity of recognizing and loving every aspect of ourselves, even those parts we might be tempted to hide or reject. Through the concept of Integrated Family systems, Peter guides us on a journey of self-acceptance and authentic living.
Discover how the lack of attention on oneself, a behavior often ingrained since childhood, impacts personal desires and truths. We dive into the importance of grounding, connecting with the earth, ensuring open chakras, and defining personal space - as a means to focus on your own needs and wants. Listen as we explore the challenges of being a "people pleaser" and the critical role of self-awareness in maintaining healthy relationships.
We focus on the balance between serving others and honoring personal boundaries. Learn about the art of holding space, making conscious choices, and understanding your needs and preferences. We discuss emotional authority, love languages, and the Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin, offering practical tools to enhance self-awareness and improve communication in relationships.
Join us as we uncover the profound practice of self-love and authenticity, weaving together personal experiences and expert insights to inspire your own journey.
Connect with Peter: peter227@gmail.com
How did you like this episode? Tell us everything, we'd love to hear from you.
If you'd like to learn more about 1:1 or group coaching with Brenda or Catherine message them and book a Sales Call to learn more.
Email:
desireasmedicine@gmail.com
goddessbrenda24@gmail.com
catherine@catherinenavarro.com
Instagram:
@desireasmedicinepodcast
@Brenda_Fredericks
@CoachCatherineN
Welcome to. Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world. I'm Brenda.
Speaker 3:I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher, turned coach and guide of the feminine.
Speaker 2:And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student, even after decades of inner work.
Speaker 3:We are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.
Speaker 2:On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire.
Speaker 3:Welcome listeners and friends to season two of the Desire is Medicine podcast. This is Brenda, your co-host, and I'm here with my amazing co-host, catherine Navarro. Hi.
Speaker 4:Catherine, Hi, hi, hi hi.
Speaker 3:So excited to be with you today and I'm going to introduce who our other guest is, who right now remains a mystery. We are back here for another self-love episode. Starting in season one, we began exploring what is self-love. What is this word, this concept that we hear all over the internet? We hear people talking about all the time, but what is it? And we've been on this beautiful journey of exploring what is self-love and we've landed on a couple of different beautiful pieces and we've had some amazing guests bringing in their idea of what self-love is. It's really been a beautiful, deep exploration. And then we got to this point. I wonder what it's like for men. How do men experience self-love? Of course it's a thing, but what does it look like? So we decided to have some men on and of course I thought about my dear friend, Peter Sweeney, who is here with us today, who I'm going to. Hello, Peter, Welcome.
Speaker 1:So glad to be here. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 3:I am so happy that you're here. I just want to talk about you a little bit, peter, before we jump into self-love for men. Peter and I met in 2013 in a class that we took together and we've just been friends ever since. He is one of the most amazing men that I know. A dear friend of mine, peter is open hearted, he knows how to put attention on a woman, he is a good friend and he is so funny, so playful, such a good sense of humor, so playful, such a good sense of humor. What I really love about Peter, observing him, is he is a true practitioner. He is in it for the long game. He is always willing to go in and look at himself and grow and learn to look within, and it's, I feel, very privileged to have you as a friend, peter.
Speaker 1:You're such a player, so welcome. Wow, thank you so much. Yeah, I feel like we're on a similar path.
Speaker 3:We learned the left-hand path. The left-handed path, exactly.
Speaker 1:Left-handed path. It's all about there's no real, there's no end there. Actually, there's no goal.
Speaker 3:Exactly, there's no goal, it's just just playing the game, just playing the game of life. If life is a game, let's just play it, and I want to say that you are an exquisite player. I love playing the game of life with you.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. That is so amazing. You are a lot of fun also. It's really true.
Speaker 3:It really is true. Well, obviously you could tell that Peter and I love each other. We've been friends for a long time and when I really thought about self-love, I really wanted to talk to you, peter. So let's just dive in what is self-love to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm really glad you're asking that. There's actually a couple of different ways that I look at it and so one of them. I'm just going to describe it. There's actually a whole theory behind this, but if you think about it, we, who we are as a self, are a whole bunch of different parts and some of those parts our ego really loves. You know that I'm an open hearted man, that I can feel people. I can put attention on people. I'm successful. You know I'm a father. I can put attention on people. I'm successful. You know I'm a father.
Speaker 1:And there are other parts that we just really do not, we don't like, our ego doesn't like and we kind of like hide them and like. So, for example, I have a part that I just ran into recently of I'm not good enough and like nothing is going to work out and I'm always going to lose, and that is actually part of myself. And one of you know. One of you know the part of self-love is actually learning how to love that also, and to learn how to love that, the first thing is actually recognize it and because usually when it shows up, it's like when you're, when I'm in it. I am so in such a place of despair that to actually crawl out and realize it and hold it and just love that part of me. So that's one part of self-love. And then the other one is more where we came from and actually, by the way, so that's there's a whole theory on that that's integrated family systems. That does a lot of really good work there. The other thing is from where we came from, brenda, and that's desire.
Speaker 1:You know, I was raised in an Irish Catholic family with lots of kids and what I learned is that when you put attention on yourself, you are selfish, and in fact selfishness runs all the way back to the original sin in Christianity. And so I was raised and learned never to put attention on myself. And what I have learned is through relationship is that if I don't put attention on myself, I don't know who I am and in fact I don't know what my desires are. So I remember when I started doing this about 10, 15 years ago, to actually start asking like, who am I really? Because I was. I worked for IBM Research for 31 years. I was an IBM researcher for all those years. In my head but at some point it's like, well, who am I really? That's not who I am.
Speaker 1:And when I first put my attention on myself, guess what happened? There was this huge void, like there was no answer, like who am, do I desire? What do I want? There was nothing. And why is that? Because I never asked myself before. It's like a muscle that needs to be exercised. It hadn't been exercised for all the years of my life.
Speaker 1:So it's really been a process of really like listening and paying attention and just developing that. And we you know, brenda and I, we did it. We did a lot of work with desire. I mean uh, so it's fun. I mean desire. I mean, if you tap, I also remember, oh my god, I don't know, I think a lot of people have this when you start looking at your desire, you have this feeling of, oh my God, like if I really followed my desire, like I'd blow up my life.
Speaker 1:You know, I quit my job, I, you know, get out of my relationships, I moved to Bali or you know whatever. And there's that fear about it. There's fear also of things like unlocking your erotic energy that, oh my God, if I unlock that, it's going to take over and it'll destroy my life. So you know it's a, it's a process, it's really, really a process. I have two examples of following desire that were really come to mind, were instrumental.
Speaker 1:I remember my my daughter had grown up, She'd gone off to college and I was living in the suburbs of Rockland County, single, and it was a complete disaster. I felt like I dated every single single woman there and it was horrible. It was a desert and I'm like. My daughter said she didn't want to come back to the suburbs and finally I believed her Michael, where do I want to live? Oh my God, I live so close to New York City. It's one of the greatest cities in the world. Like, why wouldn't I want to move there? It's like I want to move there and then I'm like but I work in Westchester. How could I move to the city and work in Westchester? So what I'll do is I actually won't move to the city. I'll move to a town that's between where I work and the city and I'll live there. It's still the suburbs, but it'll be closer to the city. I finally realized what are you doing? Like, if you really want to live in the city, live in the city. Everything else will fall out. You'll figure out about the job, but why put up these obstacles that prevent you from actually getting what you want? It was really interesting for me to notice that.
Speaker 1:I think we I have a tendency that if I want something to, maybe it's a you know the saboteur inside of me of thinking, oh, I really can't have that, but I can have something kind of close to it. No, actually go for it. That is my one example. My other example was Brenda and I were in the orgasmic meditation community and they used to have these, and so was Catherine actually all three of us, although I didn't know Catherine back then but they had these public OM circles where people would get together and in a big room there'd be, you know, like 60 people, 30 men, 30 women and you'd do this practice of OMing, orgasmic meditation. It was unbelievable, beautiful, unbelievable, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful practice. And. But the thing is you had to show up there with your partners picked and there were two rounds. You did two homes.
Speaker 1:Remember, one night I showed up and my first own partner had canceled and I'm there thinking I, I really, really I should. I came all the way down to you know, tribeca, and I really want to own tonight. I want to do the first own. But everybody has partners. What am I going to do? And if I start asking people, oh my God, they'll think I'm such a loser. You know, I don't have an own partner Like who is going to say yes. I remember sitting in that and just realizing desire and then you know, wanting to look good, not looking bad, and I finally said, fuck it, I am just going to follow my desire. And I turned it into a game. I asked every single woman in the room. It wasn't until I got to the last one that she actually said yes. And what it made me realize is, like you know, if you have desires, just go for them. Just go for who cares, who really cares. You know, like what you look, like You're being true to yourself. There's, you know, the outside perception. Who cares?
Speaker 3:Those are such beautiful examples, peter, thank you. It's such a great lesson. Just go for it. If you have a desire, just go for it. But yet we really don't.
Speaker 3:A lot of the time, a lot of the time, people deny their desires and they don't go for it. You know and I want to bring it back to something you said before because I think that you really I loved what you were talking about when you were talking about that you were never taught to put attention on yourself, you know, and that you didn't even know what you wanted or who you were when you were asking that question, and how hard it was to give it to yourself to just move to New York City. Right, you were willing to just like, do some compensatory half desire, and I think that when we don't know ourselves and we're not really tapped into ourselves, it's really hard to know what we want and go after it in this life. So can you talk a little bit about the power of putting attention on yourself and knowing what you want? And you talk a lot about going into your truth and how that is self-love, and I would, I would love to hear you talk about that a little bit more too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. You know, I didn't even know that I didn't have attention on myself. You know, it was so like ingrained into my upbringing. I happened to be doing an energy workshop with this amazing teacher, alinda Kocera. It was a 10-day workshop in Maui and I remember the first day stepping into the classroom and all of my attention was out. And I only realized that because in the energy workshop I mean, one part of it is how to ground yourself, how to be grounded, and grounding is really, you know, it's feeling your feet in the ground, it's making sure your chakras are open, it's feeling your auric edge within your aura. Make sure that you kick everybody out but yourself, let yourself in space. And it was only by doing that practice that I realized that all of my there was no attention on myself, so I couldn't even tell what I wanted.
Speaker 1:And the other aspect of it is my, you know, growing up without putting attention on myself. You know, the way I went through the world was being a pleaser. I looked at other people and try to figure out what they wanted and then did things so that I'd make them happy and then, you know, I'd get appreciation or love. So for me, love, really, you had to do something for it. So you know that first step, and the first step really in change is noticing things. That first step is just noticing where my attention was and then slowly just turning it inside.
Speaker 1:So, for example, somebody would say hey, peter, where do you want to go to dinner tonight? My girlfriend would say that I'd say I don't care. Why did I say I don't care? I didn't even ask myself, I didn't even check in. Like what do you really want? Do you want Italian, thai, some Chinese? You know, what is it that you? That you, what does your body crave? What do you want? I don't care, didn't even check in. And the other thing that I realized well, there's a couple of things. But one thing is who the hell wants to be in a relationship with someone who has no idea who they are? It's like I got it. What a nightmare. Like I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.
Speaker 1:And it was really really uh, like a you know aha moment to realize that, um, and then the other thing is like you know, we're on this planet, we're walking around, like why are we here? Like I know that I're on this planet, we're walking around, like, why are we here, like? I know that I'm on this planet to be Peter, not to be anybody else, and, in fact, out of the seven or 8 billion people on this planet, there's only one me and my role is to figure that out and be it as best I can. And to be able to do that, I need to know, uh, you know, what my desires are, or in other words, what is my truth. You know like really is like. How do like, what is my truth? Like truth, you know like really is like. How do like, what is my truth Like? How do I want to show up in the world? Like, how do I, uh, you know what, what makes me feel good? Um, even understanding how, how I make love. Um, you know how I like to make love, how, what do I like in relationships? Like, where do I want to put my, my attention on? Yeah, I have.
Speaker 1:I have one other example that was really really good. Um, I think it was 2000, like 2016. Um, I had signed up to do this intensive with, uh, with the orgasmic meditation community, the one taste community, and I'd signed up in July and it was in December, and I made this decision that between July and December, I was going to OM every day, I was going to meditate every day and I was going to do other practices. I was going to do gratitude inventory and a fear inventory. And I remember I was like three months into this and I was just thinking like what the fuck are you doing? What kind of a lifestyle is this?
Speaker 1:You know, it was kind of, in some ways, it was almost like it was almost like being a monk, almost in terms of the dedication to it. And then I realized what are you talking about? I can choose any way I want to live my life and I choose living it this way right now. And there was a tremendous amount of power in that, because the difference was asking myself how I wanted to live it, or asking how is it perceived from the outside, or what do other people think? And the powerful thing is it's like how do I want to live it, or what do other people think? And the the the powerful thing is is like how do I want to live it, how do I want to show up? And in that point in time I wanted to be. I wanted to be oming every day, I wanted to be meditating every day, I wanted to be doing my practices and um, that was there was real power in that for me.
Speaker 3:Thank you, peter. You dropped so many golden nuggets there. You've given yourself a lot of time maybe, I'm assuming, after your daughter was grown, and you had this time to yourself where you felt that void, where you really questioned how do I want to live, how do I want to spend my time, who do I want to be, what is my truth and can I follow this? And you went from being a pleaser and not checking in with yourself at all. What great noticing. I mean, how many times have any of us done that? And you really nailed it when you said I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't have desire, who didn't care. I mean, that sounds terrible. It really sounds bad.
Speaker 4:I have a question. So you said so many great things. I could go so many different locations, but since this is the Desire is Medicine podcast and we are on the self-love topic, you were talking about people pleasing and you said, yes, people pleasing I'm leaning into, or I was air quotes people pleasing to gain appreciation, potentially validation right, from other people, other women or women that you were potentially in relationship with. But I want to sort of span it out a little bit so we can make I think you may have the answer to this to make a distinction of the nuance, because men, technically right, there's an eros that arises in women, that arises in women, and men are there to somewhat be of service to that, to let the woman have safety and feel the ability to express in your presence. Because here you are, this solid rock, right, potentially fluid rock, but nonetheless they're solid.
Speaker 4:How do you make that distinction? How do you know? Oh, I'm backing my woman, she's safe to express, I'm going to go and serve this piece out. This is something she's asking for, whether it's Chinese, or a massage or, I don't know, a trip to wherever, something that your woman is asking for, she has a desire. Come up and then you, as in your manliness, decide come up. And then you, as in your manliness, decide I'm leaning in, I'm going to give this, I'm not leaning in, it's not in my desire, or uh-oh, I'm people-pleasing. How do you decipher this for yourself from the male perspective?
Speaker 1:Yeah, great, so I can just answer it for me. I can't answer it for all men, but let me share it for me. So, like there's a part of me that loves to serve the feminine, like there is nothing greater than to actually to feel a woman's orgasm, to feel and I make a distinction between orgasm and climax, so that it's actually feeling a woman in her ecstasy or radiance, it's like it's like unbelievably beautiful. Um, the other thing that I've learned is I actually learned how to serve and get filled up. Many I used to serve and basically was drained because I wasn't a full yes, and I wasn't tapped into that part of me that wants to serve the feminine, and so it would build up as resentment. So, yeah, that was really the important part, those two parts is number one, the part of me that loves to serve the feminine and, uh, to tap into that and be a full yes, and you know. And also like making the distinction. Uh, you know, it was really actually checking in with, like, in this moment, right now, is that what I want to do? Do I want to serve the feminine? And I have a? Really, I have a really great example.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God, my partner went away for the weekend. She went down to be with a group of really close friends. She's really happy for her Kind of last minute and she has a dog and she's like well, peter, of course you'll take care of the dog over the weekend while I'm gone it's actually more like four days I felt into that. I'm like, no, no, that's not what I want to do. I don't even know what I'm going to do this weekend and I don't want to be restricted by having to be walking a dog and feeding a dog. It's not okay with me. I actually need my freedom to be able to do what I need to do to take care of myself this weekend.
Speaker 1:And there was. It was amazing for me because she got triggered and there was some blowback and I actually had to learn how to stand in my truth. And you know the blowback. You know, of course, the pleaser is if somebody's disappointed with you. You're always thinking like, oh my God, I'm doing it wrong, I'm not a good boyfriend, I'm selfish, I'm an asshole. But to actually, you know, tune into my truth. No, this is really my truth and I am not going to abandon myself or violate it, and it can be that you know, this is my truth and, okay, I'm willing to do something else for somebody else. I'm willing to make a choice, conscious choice, really, really important, but I wasn't willing to and I stood with it. Very powerful, very powerful experience for both of us. I would say it's the first time that I've really done it so consciously and I'm really proud of myself for doing that.
Speaker 4:I love that story. I love when men say no to me. It's so hot. It makes me really trust their yes. I think it's hot even when my female friends, I ask for something and they say no. It really helps me trust that person because it means, oh, they've actually contemplated, I trust that they've gone through it and I know that this isn't a very normal practice for, like regular humans that are in the work.
Speaker 4:I often get asked sometimes a question and if I say no, especially in my family, there's a tendency to ask well, did you really think about it? I'm like, yes, that's why I said no. And they think that I'm saying no because I didn't think about it. I'm like of course I thought about it, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to my no. I also can't get to my yes without thinking about it.
Speaker 4:I'm always sort of weighing things out Is this going to fill me? Is it not going to fill me? Do I want to do this? Do I not want to do this? And sometimes, in all honesty, I'm like oh, I'm a yes and it's a codependent yes, and I'm doing this to people, please, and I'm doing it for validation and I'm really clear that those are the reasons why, and I go in and I let myself have it. I'm like, okay, this is where I'm at, no problem, but it's completely conscious, it's not, and I don't have any resentment. You know, I'm not like these damn people. I'm like, oh, I'm saying yes, for all of these reasons. They're not coming from the highest version of me and whatever. I'm okay with it. But that's a little, a little tangent on me. I'm going to go back to Peter now. When you say go ahead.
Speaker 1:That was a really, really, really good point to point out, because I only want to be in relationships. When people say yes, they mean it, and when they say no, they mean it Because you can't, especially you know. Also, you know if you look at intimate or sexual relationships, you know if you look at intimate or sexual relationships, if somebody is saying yes and they're a no, it's a complete fuck up. They get fucked up, they get resentful and you get fucked up because it's like what's going on, this person is not actually being fully present and they can't actually be a part of it, or they. You know it's completely fine to say yes and then decide later. Well, you know, actually I'm a no. It's completely fine to say yes and then decide later. Well, you know, actually I'm a no. But to just say yes, and not own it.
Speaker 4:That you're a no is like a complete disaster. You're bringing something different into the room. This is true when we do say yes and we're actually a no. We're not 100% present. There's a part of us that's sort of on the surface right, because we're not fully embodied in our yes, we're not fully present. It is just the truth of what is. If we're saying yes and we're not really a full yes, we're kind of half assing all of it.
Speaker 1:We're sort of, you know, playing like bad acting kind of I'm glad you brought that up, because I actually I my goal is to play life 100% it does. It's like why play it, you know 75% or 50% or 25%? It's like why you're just, you're just hurting yourself Like, just go all in, go for it.
Speaker 4:I think this is a good question. Why you? The question you say is why half asset? But so many people have asset, so there must be something in it. In the half assing right there is either safety, comfort, belonging, there is something that's occurring for people, otherwise why would so many people play this game halfway?
Speaker 1:I think if they're unconscious, they don't, they don't really really understand it. I mean, that's one of the reasons why I love Brenda so much she does not half-ass it, she's 100% full in if she says yes.
Speaker 3:I really try. It's really true. I had a teacher once who said you know you can really trust Brenda's yes, because she only says yes when she's a full yes. And that reflection to me I was like oh, that's really true and this is a great conversation. I was not always that way. I mean, I'm thinking of so many people that I know who say yes when they mean no. Why is that? I think most people, honestly, I think most people walking around the world, are saying yes when they mean no. I think most people, honestly, I think most people walking around the world are saying yes when they mean no.
Speaker 3:I think that they well, number one, I think you're just not tapped into the truth of what you want, like you were talking about earlier, peter. And then there's also just the personal power, the power it takes to say no. Like when you said no, I don't want to take care of your dog this weekend, that's pretty big thing to say to your partner, right? And you said you got some pushback. She had some feelings about that, which is reasonable. I probably would too.
Speaker 3:So now, if you're going to say no, you need to be able to hold the sensation of that. You need to be able to stay present and hold the sensation, be in relationship with the conflict without completely collapsing. Honestly, that's a skill that took me probably over a decade to learn and if you don't have that skill, if you don't practice that, you're not going to be able to be present in the face of it and you're going to override yourself and you're going to say yes when you mean no and then you're going to be resentful. It's just the way it goes. I've lived it many times. It's not pretty. It's like a relationship killer, honestly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so true, so true. Yeah, yeah, so true, so true. Yeah, one of the one of the things I also learned I just took the is to level one training for the second time and I, if you haven't done it, I highly recommend it, although just make sure what you know what you're getting into. But when they they had this thing, it's really beautiful. Somebody says, no, your is, thank you for taking care of yourself, and I think that is so beautiful Because it's not a lot of times we'll interpret it as a rejection of ourselves, and it's not. That person is just they're actually tapping in, feeling what they need and taking care of themselves. That's beautiful. They're actually tapping in, feeling what they need and taking care of themselves. That's beautiful.
Speaker 3:It's the best I love. When Catherine said a good no is hot. I love a good no from a man or a woman. I recently got a couple of no's from friends and I'm like, damn, that is so hot, because when somebody says no to me, I can really trust their yes and that is everything.
Speaker 4:There's so much sensation in a no and I just want to jump in here and give my co host some props. The truth is Brenda and I have different human design systems and so whenever she asked me a question, usually my yes or no is there really fast and Brenda's takes some time. So Brenda's like good question, Thanks for asking. Or, oh, great suggestion, Thanks for asking. Let me get back to you. And in the beginning it was such so confronting I had to kind of like wait, Do, do, do, do, do, do. And now I'm like, okay, she's going to get back to me and it's just sort of out of mind. And then when she comes back, great that we move from there.
Speaker 4:But I think that's also confronting for people who don't play this game, this level of intimacy with other feeling and knowing that some people don't have a really fast yes or no. Some people need to be with it and feel into, like Peter said earlier, what is your conscious choice. And sometimes that takes time. And it's really uncomfortable to take that amount of time because sometimes it takes a day, two days, three days. It takes some time to get back to someone on a particular yes. Exactly, it takes time.
Speaker 1:I'm similar to Brenda I need time. So when actually somebody asks me, the first thing I do is I actually acknowledge them for asking me. I say, you know, thank you for asking, because it's actually a privilege that they thought of me to ask me to do something. And it also gives me a little bit of time to check in and sometimes, you know, I still won't know and say, hey, you know, I got to get back to you, or it's just about enough time to be able to really feel in and see what's going on, because my system is not as fast as yours, catherine, like it's kind of, you know, in this area it's slow moving.
Speaker 3:Catherine's fast. She, you know we're also. I know Catherine was referencing human design before. Um, I have emotional authority. If you want to know more about that, episode 10, we had Rebecca Freeman on. She goes into all of that for our listeners. And, um, yeah, so I to all of that for our listeners and yeah, so I need time to to mull things over.
Speaker 3:I'm also a responder as a manifesting generator, so I can just sometimes just know what my answer is. But it also takes really going back to what you said earlier, peter, like getting to know yourself and knowing who you are and knowing how you tick. This is a really important part of self-love, and showing up in relationships honestly is knowing yourself and knowing what you need and then giving it to yourself and knowing how to communicate that lovingly, like, oh, thank you for asking, I'm going to sit with this and get back to you tomorrow. Honestly, I think most people haven't developed that skill yet and that's why we're having these conversations, because I want people to know who are listening. You can sit with something. You don't need to give anyone ever an answer immediately. If you're not ready to, you can say thank you for asking, I'm going to sit with it and get back to you. I think it's one of the most self-loving things you can do.
Speaker 1:I love what you said about, um, you know, getting to know ourselves and you know I, you know I feel like I am in human beings. We're like diamonds with lots of facets, a lot of different surfaces, and understanding what those surfaces are really is helpful. And there's lots of things out there Like, for example, like, what is your love language? Like, what is it Like? How do you receive love, what really makes you feel, feel loved? And so important to know if you're in a partnership, to know what your partner, what their love language is.
Speaker 1:I mean, I can always tell somebody whose love language is gifts because when they show up my house they bring a gift and I know that if, if, uh, that they're you know that that's their love language. So if I want them to feel loved, I'll bring them a gift. I personally don't care about gifts. It's like thank you very much. I'll put it over in the pile over here, things I never look at, but they haven't checked into what my love language is. But this is part of like how you can navigate the world.
Speaker 4:That's so sweet, peter, I would love to jump back if I could, because you mentioned something that is often overlooked and you talked about tapping into the part of you, because I don't think that's a common practice for men. Sometimes men will say, well, I don't even know what that looks like, or I don't know what that means, or how do I get filled up. It's actually people pleasing, like how is it? Yeah, yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I would say that, uh, you need to take your pleasure from serving, that you need to take your pleasure from serving. So are you guys? And this isn't always the case, but do you guys know?
Speaker 4:about Betty Martin's wheel of consent. I mean, come see, come saw. But I know what consent is. I don't know. I can't say I know the exact wheel that you're speaking of.
Speaker 1:No, she basically breaks it down into four quadrants. There's one, an active and one, a passive. And the active one is either you think of as they're giving, think of, like, in a massage, a masseuse is giving to the other person who is accepting, and the person who's giving they're doing it from generosity and the person who's giving they're doing it from generosity and the person who's receiving is appreciation. There's two other quadrants. There's taking and allowing, where the person who's doing the action is actually taking the pleasure and the person who's being passive is allowing it. So you can think of it this way May I touch you for your pleasure would be giving and accepting, or may I touch you for my pleasure would be taking and allowing and you can actually play with this.
Speaker 1:I mean, if you are, I mean if you're serving the feminine. I mean if you are, I mean if you're serving the feminine. I mean there's like there's lots of times you'll give somebody a massage and you feel really good about it. You're not you're, you're, you're, you're giving, you're serving. Uh, you're not taking, you're just, uh, you know, there's a part of you. You know, make somebody else feel good. It feels good. Um, it doesn't feel good when, uh, you're doing it more. You continue to do it after it doesn't feel good anymore. That's the key is actually oh, it's not feeling more, okay, let's stop, let's do something else. But there also can be taking. It's like actually, may I touch you for my pleasure? And that's like oh my God, like I am.
Speaker 4:And that's like, oh my God, like I am it's. It's like that's filling me up from my touching you in this conscious choice line, when you're looking at, am I people pleasing or am I actually serving the feminine? Is this filling me up? One of the key things that you do for yourself is you ask yourself is this still feeling good to me? Am I still reaping the reward? It's like a really gorgeous dance and then when it stops feeling good, that you get to say halt, right, this isn't feeling good to me anymore, I'm going to slowly exit or change, and that you're constantly honoring yourself in that play. That's really beautiful. Thank you so much, peter, for that explanation. Really gorgeous. Thank you, brenda. I'm going to pass it to you.
Speaker 3:This has been an amazing conversation. Went in so many directions that I didn't expect and I absolutely love. I want to know, for other men listening, what? What would you like men to know?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that is such such a great question and I think I can answer it in terms of attention. We've all gone out on dates with somebody who only talks about themselves. They only have attention on themselves and they don't have any attention on you. And we also have gone out on dates with people who have all their attention on you and none on themselves and initially that might feel really really good. However, like there's like who are they you don't know? Initially that might feel really really good. However, like there's like who are they? You don't know it doesn't feel good after a while.
Speaker 1:It's really important as a man in this world, in my opinion, and actually human beings, is that you have to be walking around with actually the majority of the attention on yourself, like 51 percent at least, should be more like 75 percent and then 25 percent out there. It's so true in lovemaking, like how many of us have been with a partner and we're making love and you feel like they don't even feel you. They don't even see you, even see you. They're so interested, concerned, greedy, whatever about their own needs that they don't even, they're not even conscious of you. Like that is so icky, they have no attention on you. So it's like really, it's really I love putting it in terms of attention, like where you put your attention. It's really important in men, in male, female relationships, is that you have. You have attention on yourself the majority of it and you have some attention on your partner.
Speaker 3:That is genius. I think it's so important and what you're saying is so true, and I think it's one of your superpowers that I know you've developed over time, because I've watched you over the years learn this. The skill and a man putting his attention on you is everything it really is, and also as a woman, oh God, we want you to have your attention on yourself. We want you to take care of yourself so important. So this is beautiful advice. Thank you so much, and I have one more question, which is what is a big desire of yours?
Speaker 1:And I have one more question which is what is a big desire of yours, what is a big desire of mine, oh my God. So I retired from corporate America about two years ago and I've started actually doing what I love doing, which brings me joy and also the reason why I'm on this earth, and that is to actually work with women sometimes with couples, but mostly with women to help them actually get out of their heads and through their bodies and, you know, blow up the obstacles that allow them to fully receive pleasure. And there's a part of me it's like I'm a sex geek, a sex nerd. I just love figuring out people like what those issues are, and so my desire is really building that so that I'm doing it more.
Speaker 1:My first year I had 100 paid sessions with over 40 women, and I just I want to double that. I'm in my second year and triple it. I feel like it's the gift that I have to offer. I've seen tremendous benefits from it. It brings me great joy and it brings, you know, love and clarity into the world.
Speaker 3:Thank you for that. Well, so shall it be, and may it be even better than you can possibly imagine. And what lucky women and men and couples who get to work with you. How can people contact you if they would like to get in touch with you, peter?
Speaker 1:Yeah, they can send me an email. This was probably the easiest way. It's Peter. Easiest way. It's Peter. P-e-t-e-r. 227 at gmailcom. That would be the best way to actually reach me. I'm in the process of putting up a Sacred Arrows site, which would be another way Do you guys know about Sacred Arrows? Can I take a moment to just explain?
Speaker 3:it. Yeah, go for it. I would love to hear. Thank you.
Speaker 1:It's a site there's about a couple hundred people on it, but the goal of it it's like conscious tantra approach of actually where there's healing and growth. It's not just all about pleasure, although that is a component, but I mean, like pleasure heals, the really the. The goal of it is for people to be able to um, you know, like I, I love to help women get in contact with their erotic um, their erotic energy, that a lot of times we're not connected with uh, which is a huge healing and growth experience. So, uh, it's a beautiful, it's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful site.
Speaker 3:There are people all over the place that are on it. Thank you so much for sharing that. You've landed so many gems today, peter, and I'm so grateful that you spent this time with us. We had such a great conversation and I hope our listeners are walking away with so much especially, I want to say especially knowing that you could say no at any time and take care of yourself. That's probably one of the biggest ways to love and honor yourself is by honoring your yes and no. I am leaving with that in my heart today and I'm so grateful to you. Thank you so much, peter, for joining us.
Speaker 1:Thank you for asking me. This was so much fun.
Speaker 3:I'm so glad you said yes.
Speaker 1:It's good, good to see you, good to meet you, catherine. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3:Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.
Speaker 2:Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.
