61 ~ How Much is Enough? Breaking Free of Limits

Is there a magic threshold where contentment meets ambition? Join us for a captivating exploration of the concept of "enough" as we unpack its complexities in our lives. This episode promises to challenge the way you view satisfaction and drive, helping you distinguish between the societal conditioning that holds you back and the personal calling that propels you forward. Through discussions on balancing gratitude with the pursuit of authentic desires, we uncover the intriguing interplay between ego-driven wants and soul-aligned goals.

We take a deep dive into the importance of self-awareness and curiosity in identifying and confronting limiting beliefs. Learn how meditation and candid conversations can act as mirrors, reflecting our true aspirations versus those shaped by external pressures like FOMO. Our conversation unearths the surprising joys that come from pursuing desires, even when their purpose isn't immediately clear, and highlights the new opportunities available today, particularly for women, to explore their dreams unfettered by past constraints.

As we navigate the concept of "havingness," discover how subconscious beliefs might be capping your happiness and what you can do to embrace joy fully. By expanding our capacity for positive experiences through gratitude and kindness, we can break free from self-sabotage and embrace our desires with trust. 

This episode is an invitation to embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth, encouraging you to balance gratitude with ambition and to explore your desires openly, transforming them into pathways to greater honesty, love, and intimacy. 

Chapters

• 0:08 Exploring the Concept of 'Enough
• 9:30 Exploring Limiting Beliefs and Desires
• 19:14 Navigating Upper Limits and Desires
• 26:52 Embracing Desires With Trust and Growth
• 31:15 Journey to Self-Discovery and Growth

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire.

Speaker 2: 0:14

Inviting you into our world. I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life, motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student.

Speaker 2: 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire. Welcome back everyone, including my lovely co-host, brenda. Hey, brenda.

Speaker 2: 1:32

Hello Catherine, welcome listeners and friends. We're so happy that you're here today.

Speaker 1: 1:50

So happy to have you here today. Today we are talking about enough and Brenda and I have sort of been brainstorming on this. We've had some catalysts, some sparky sparks as it happens out in the world, showing us, hey, this is a great topic to talk about, thinking about enough from the perspective of how much is enough. Right, we have lots and tons of conditioning around it. When you are potentially a child and you're like I want this and your parents say don't be greedy, other children don't have X, y or Z. Many people don't have what you have, you have plenty. And we've also talked about how sometimes that sensation of us having enough, it keeps us even from potentially going after more. Right, it's a conditioned response. I have enough. I have, as a squirrel, just taken up this many acorns and I'm good, and I'm good for hibernation or the winter. This is enough, so enough.

Speaker 1: 2:50

There's one side of it where we're looking at where it potentially sabotages us. Or we can look at enough from the perspective of a catalyst, like when you have just had enough, I've had enough, I've had enough of arguing. Or I've had enough of potentially living at this financial plateau. I've had enough of this commute, I've had enough of this marriage. I've had enough of this friendship. We can look at it from that perspective as well. Enough can be a catalyst. It's where you say to yourself this is it, I've had enough, I've taken enough and I'm not going to do this anymore. But we're going to start today with the concept, with just like how much is enough? How do we know what's enough? Especially with the universal talk is like the at you want to have the attitude of gratitude. So how can we be in a location that says to us oh, this is great, this is enough. What comes up for you, brenda?

Speaker 2: 4:03

I love the distinction of how you talked about the two kinds of enough and full disclosure. Catherine and I were just listening to Donna Summer enough is enough. She's laughing behind the scenes, yeah, so sometimes you've just had enough and you need a limit, and it can be a great catalyst for change and that is a great song. And then there's also the other side of the coin that you're bringing up, where it has to do with desire and what do we want and when are we satisfied? And it can be like a negative, egoic cycle of wanting more, wanting more, wanting more.

Speaker 2: 4:39

And I think that gets really crunchy when we're not truly receiving and appreciating and enjoying what we have. And then you keep adding more, like there's no space for the enjoyment or the gratitude of it. It becomes very external and egoic, and so I think there is a time to pause. It's okay to want more.

Speaker 2: 5:02

I think it's just a normal human way of being to want more, and I think that it is really important to pause and really take in what you have and, like you said, the attitude of gratitude there is a real truth to that like really appreciating what you have, and sometimes we do need to integrate what we've received, and we all do that at different speeds and levels, and it's a practice of learning to expand and have more. But I don't think that just because you have something that that precludes you from wanting more. I think that we can have a lot and still want more. But there is that distinction of adding more, to add more, to have to have the tallest castle in the sky or your, your real soul, true, deep desires and really appreciating it.

Speaker 1: 6:00

Thank you so much for that. I am going to piggyback on one of the things that you talked about, like you know, the tallest building in the sky. We can have a building and maybe it's tall, maybe it's not the tallest building in the sky. I'm just going to use that as an example. The whisper is like I want the tallest building in the sky. This is kind of how I see enough. I'm like, okay, I'm grateful for the building I have, I'm grateful for how high up it goes, and I want it to be the tallest building. Okay, what do I need to do next? Either to become the person that gets to have the tallest building in the sky and that's where the journey begins towards leaning in, towards my desire. And then, as I'm leaning in, maybe I hear no, no, no, who are you to have the tallest building in the sky? Or maybe it's a conditioning of well, you're a first generation American, you can't have the tallest building in the sky, or you're a woman, you can't have the tallest building in the sky, or you're not six feet tall. You can't have all the conditioning that would potentially come in. And yes, I'm kind of kidding about the thoughts, but there would be some thoughts behind a desire as to why I can't have it, why now is not the right time. Maybe there's a part of me that's like air quotes I don't deserve it, or I'm not worth it, or I didn't work hard enough. I don't have the right education level for the tallest building in the sky.

Speaker 1: 7:32

You can, you know, if you're listening, you can swap whatever desire you have, but it's not necessarily about actually attaining the tallest building in the sky. Right, it's. I have a tall building, or maybe it's not even that tall. I have mine. It's currently enough because it's what I have, right? So by definition, it's enough. I'm grateful for what I have and I want to lean into more. And then I get to be with all the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with wanting more than what I have and what it's asking of me.

Speaker 1: 8:09

The desire is for me to be willing to be with the discomfort of the desire and the uncertainty, because there's no guarantee that I'll be able to have the tallest building in the sky. It's possible that I die before you know, I died before that happens and well, if I die, I won't know and I won't care, but there's that fear, right, that looms. Maybe it's just safer and easier to not go for it so that I won't be disappointed. Or maybe it's safer and easier to not go for it so I don't have to feel the discomfort of, wow, deep down inside, I really do want more than what I have. I am that greedy child my parent told me I was.

Speaker 1: 8:58

Oh, my goodness, I think you said well, you haven't said it yet, brenda, but you have said in the past, like if I believe I can, I will not, believe I can't, I won't right. Like if we believe we can only have what we currently have and that's what it'll be. And how can we practice shifting that belief? What would you say If I said to you how do I practice shifting that belief? What would you say I said to you how do I practice shifting this belief and believe that I could have more?

Speaker 2: 9:28

It's a great question. For me it would be noticing it at first. You know you can't do anything if you don't notice it. So that's why I personally love to have a meditation practice or friends who can reflect the truth back to me, so I can notice where I even have my own limiting thoughts. That's why we're having these conversations in the first place, because these conversations aren't the norm and maybe there's someone listening who is like, oh, I just didn't think I could have it. But so first you have to just notice your thoughts. What are your beliefs Like?

Speaker 2: 10:02

Really get curious and notice what is it that you think you can have or not have, and just be honest with yourself. You don't even have to tell anyone if you don't want to, but if you're honest with yourself and you're noticing your beliefs, then you could start to work with it. You could start to play with it like clay and get curious with it. And get curious with it and just ask yourself is this true, is this not true? And sometimes there are real 3D worldly limitations that you might have. Right, you might only make a certain amount of money, right? Or somebody in your life might be like no, I don't want that right, somebody, maybe a partner or whatever. You can't do this because you have to work.

Speaker 2: 10:44

Whatever your situation is, there are real worldly things that you need to work with, but then there's even the thought of well, your worldly things that you have are things that you created from your own beliefs. And this is where it comes back to desire, because what is it that you truly, truly, truly want? Like if you were in the Walt Disney dream room, where only dreams are talked about, no reality. What is it that you really want? And maybe you're not going to have that immediately, right, because we do have steps that we take to have the life that we want. But what baby steps can you start taking? And it really does start with examining your own beliefs, because if you don't believe you can have it, that it's too expensive, or it's too far out, or it's not possible, or it's not for you because of X, y, z, well then, it's done, the game is done. But if you're willing to get curious, well then you just open the door to possibility. Yes, then you just open the door to possibility.

Speaker 1: 11:45

Yes, let's open that door to possibility.

Speaker 1: 11:48

Yeah, so one of the questions I would ask myself is do I really want more? And then the question is okay, great, well, what do I want more of? Can I be more specific to what is it that I desire? And am I desiring it because it's cool and everybody else has it? Or do I really want it? Like, am I wanting to go to every single party that everybody's going to this week, even though I need to sleep and wake up at eight o'clock in the morning? Probably not. Am I wanting something because of FOMO? Or is it really a real desire? And I'm being kind of funny here with the FOMO piece, but after I sit with, like, what do I really want? What is it that I really desire? My next question in this how much is enough? Is what part of me wants that Like, for example. Like, for example, maybe I lived, and this is also something to look at.

Speaker 1: 12:54

Sometimes our desires will be stemmed from a wound of some kind. W-o-u-n-d. A wound of some kind. So there are real world things out there, right? Yes, yes, they happen. I'm not going to be an Olympic athlete, even if I want more fame as make-believe. That would not be the way to attain it, because Olympic athlete is off the table for me. So what do I want more of? What is my desire? And then what part of me wants it? Then what part of me wants it? So what part of me wants to be at every party or every get together? Or oh, this is something common.

Speaker 1: 13:35

People will say I didn't get invited to that thing. And then I say, but did you want to go? And they're like no, I just wanted to be invited. Like, which part of us is wanting more invites, potentially, even though we don't want to go? Oh, the part of us that felt excluded, the wound in us, that feels that potential, that loved or not liked that we're not part of the cool crowd, and that allows us for some time to look at, potentially, those wounds and dress them, gauze them up, bring in some hydrogen peroxide like, just love up those parts of ourselves that are wanting these things.

Speaker 1: 14:18

And then, every once in a while, we're going to come across a desire that it's like you know what? I have no idea why I want this thing. I know I want it. What I have no idea why I want this thing, I know I want it. I would say this podcast was like that for me. I was like I remember saying to Brenda I don't like being that visible, I barely even write posts on the internet, but I think I want to put my voice on the internet and I did not know why I wanted it.

Speaker 1: 14:50

And now that I'm here, it's over a year and I'm like wow, I really love this, like this brings me so much joy to come here and talk about topics and share with the world conversations that I don't think are at every kitchen table, to help women feel into their desire at a time in life when we can, to help women want more even though you couldn't have your own credit card without a man's name on it and that just changed in 74, to stand here at a time where women can go to college and women can have titles and women can own homes and women can be single and not married and divorced and just live life in so many different ways, for me to be alive right now in this time.

Speaker 1: 15:45

I'm just beyond grateful. And how could I have known that this project would mean that much to me? I had no way of knowing, I just leaned in and it just so happened that this became something that I could have, but originally for sure. The belief was like I don't know how to do it. And then the upper limit wasn't necessarily I can't have it. It was just like it's going to take us a long time, brenda, but you can speak to the upper limit piece.

Speaker 2: 16:17

That was really beautiful. By the way, what you just described about being a woman in this time, I recently saw the Broadway show which is about the suffragists getting the right to vote women getting the right to vote which was only in the early 1900s, not that long ago, and they had been working on it for decades. And when I was sitting in the audience at that Broadway show I was like, wow, we've come so far. Like the fact that we could sit here on this podcast and talk about all the things we're talking about. Like the fact that we could sit here on this podcast and talk about all the things we're talking about, it really makes sense that we're talking about it and kind of like unknotting the knot of all the things that we, as women, we think we can and can't do and why we can't do it. Like there's a giant knot that just we just need to keep talking about and unthreading. So thank you for bringing that in.

Speaker 2: 17:13

And you asked about the upper limiting piece. I mean, we do have a havingness level and it's different for everyone. So having this level is the level at which you believe what you can have. So everyone has a level at which they believe they can have. Some people believe they can have a shoebox for a house. Some people believe they can have a mansion. Some people believe they can have something in the middle. Some people believe I could just have, I could just own the world right. There's different belief systems there and so we all have a limit of what we believe we can have.

Speaker 2: 17:48

And it was pretty much decided in your formative years based on what you said at the beginning, what your parents told you can have. If your parents are like, well, you can have everything that you want, and, yes, you just got this new coat. And yes, we'd like to get you this new boot, these new boots, and yes, we'd like to go on vacation and you can watch that movie. That you want is very different belief system than somebody who was told we just bought you a soda, Now you want a cupcake too. That's very greedy. Other people don't have it at all.

Speaker 2: 18:22

So we have these limits of what we feel we deserve in life and it's really important to notice those beliefs, what that is for you, and it's going to be different than your friends, because sometimes we hit that level and we can have a lot in our life, and when we hit the level of our havingness which is you could kind of like picture it like a line in the air. You hit that level and then, because you don't believe that you could have more, there's going to be like some friction. You might self-sabotage, you might ruin what you have, you might find it wrong. There might be voices, voices that coming up saying I don't know how to have this. This is wrong. Why did I want it? You might destroy it in some way. Women do that all the time right. Why did I want it? You might destroy it in some way. Women do that all the time right.

Speaker 2: 19:10

I had a friend who got married and she said oh well, all we did on our honeymoon was fight. Well, it's probably some kind of an upper limit of your havingness, of what you felt you deserve so much joy and so much happiness. If you don't digest that and integrate it and maybe have gratitude for it, well, you're very easily going to destroy it in some way. Now, of course, it's salvageable and you can expand your havingness. You could expand your havingness by noticing it, being honest with oh I just got this new thing. This feels a little uncomfortable to have it, so just notice that and sit with it. Just be honest with yourself. Oh, I'm having a little hard time having this happy relationship that I've wanted for so long because my parents were divorced and I didn't think I could have this. Whatever it is for you, so just noticing it, and you can expand your havingness by digesting it, digesting the good, sharing it, having gratitude.

Speaker 2: 20:20

And then what happens when you have your desires is you you get really full. So you have to kind of empty out. So I like to do random acts of kindness sometimes, like just help people out. I have so much over here, so I'm going to empty what's full and maybe help my neighbor or give extra money to the homeless guy on the street, whatever it is. And then what happens when you do that is you are literally integrating the good into your body. You're integrating this new desire and in doing so you can kind of bump up that line of your havingness. You can expand it a little bit and you can expand it a little bit over time and you can keep doing that. That's why it's really important to know it so you can work with it. But if you don't know this well, then pretty much you're going to sabotage it and question yourself. And saddest thing is push down your desire or deny it. That is the saddest thing.

Speaker 1: 21:26

It is right, pushing down your desire and denying it Absolutely. I want to piggyback on what you were talking about with the awareness and the noticing Like I want to allow for tons and tons of permission of not knowing the origin. So, for example, if you're the person who's just had your wedding, you're on your honeymoon and you're like, wow, me and my husband are just fighting this whole time, you get to pause and be aware and go hmm, okay, clearly something has happened. What's happening? Oh, maybe I'm sabotaging, maybe I've hit my upper limit. Let me feel into that. Does that feel true for me? Or do we honestly fight all the time? If we honestly fight all the time, then well, maybe that's just the norm. But if this isn't the norm and we're not this way all the time, then, oh, maybe I really did have that much joy. Oh, there was an expansion and the fight would be a contraction and that's normal. What goes up must come down. We are not always constantly climbing. And then I can say to myself oh, maybe there's a belief here that this is the way relationships are. Maybe there's a belief here that I was just too happy. Bottom line is the awareness. Less important is the story. I know we love the story. The story is so juicy, like, yes, it's so juicy to know the story, but once we're aware, oh, something's happening here, then how can I do this differently? How can I put my attention on how I actually would like it to go? Then maybe I would go to my husband and say, hey, we've been fighting, but this isn't really our norm. What do you think's happening Like? Can we have some connection around this? Can we come back to center, just using this as an example, where I would would say, if we're looking at how much is enough, right, oh, all that joy at the wedding.

Speaker 1: 23:29

Wanting more doesn't make me greedy. I know I want to have many, many years of happiness with this person. How do I start to build upon the communication that we already have and just make this better and better and better? And that's one of the ways of feeling into is it enough? The question being what would having more look like? What would more, in this case, look like? And can I follow the breadcrumbs? Can I go one step at a time to get closer and closer to having this peace?

Speaker 1: 24:09

Yeah, it's reminding me of something that I said earlier, where you're being with yourself and you're like how do I know this is me being greedy? Or if I truly want more. It's like, well, how do I know this is me being greedy? Or if I truly want more. It's like, well, I check where that desire is coming from for more. I feel into it. Is there anything there for me to address? If not, can I just lean into the longing that I have, lean into the desire that I have, be willing to be present with that desire, even if it's uncomfortable, even if I don't know if I can have it right. It's so uncertain. I'm going to go and talk to my husband about how we've been fighting and how I don't want this to be the case. I don't know if that's. I don't know how that conversation is going to go yet. I haven't had it yet right being willing to be in there, to be in the fire, the discomfort, the uncertainty.

Speaker 2: 24:57

Thank you. Well, I recently did have that conversation with my partner. I recently got a new car and I my last car I bought in 2009. So I had it for 15 years and she was definitely my baby. And I recently got a new car, like last week, and I was just like crunchy and we were like it was like crunchy between us and I'm going to just insert here there's a book that I want to recommend to everyone, called the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, and he it's great on audio. He just talks all about having this and upper limiting and everything that we've been talking about how we kind of create problems when there aren't any as an upper limit because we've hit our havingness. So I recognized that with the car I recognized, oh, I think I hit an upper limit. We hit an upper limit together because it was really the first big thing that we had bought together and so it's like entering a new phase of relationship and we were just crunchy and I went to him and I said that. I said to him, you know, I think that we're having an upper limit together and he was so grateful that I went and said that to him and I knew he listened to this book too. We both listened to it and he said thank you so much for saying that. It meant so much to him and immediately, whatever the quote problems were that we were fighting about, they just disappeared because they weren't real. It was just me creating, or him us together. I guess it was co-created a problem when there really isn't one. So you can absolutely say that to yourself. Oh, I think I'm hitting an upper limit and it's really important to notice, because it's a great way to sabotage yourself.

Speaker 2: 26:52

And I want to go back to what you said before, when you said trusting, leaning into the desire and trusting. That was a really beautiful point when you were talking about the podcast and leaning in. There's so many desires that come up for us and we don't know why. Why do I want this thing? This makes no sense at all. Right, I don't have any idea how to have this thing, but we can go slow with ourselves and lean in, because there is something there for you.

Speaker 2: 27:26

If you want something or something's coming up for you that you want it, you don't have to know how you're going to have it and you don't even have to ever have it. But just giving yourself permission to feel the desire is a power move. That's even a way that you can expand your own havingness just by having more desire and letting yourself have the desire and just sitting with it. Maybe that's enough. Maybe that's just enough, and I love talking about desire because it helps us grow. That's what we're talking about here on this podcast, and just leaning in, you just don't know where it's going to take you. It could be something really magical and I think this podcast is a perfect example yes, 1000%.

Speaker 1: 28:11

I think that's the biggest takeaway for me and that I would love for listeners to think about when we're thinking about enough and we feel super icky, for whatever reason, to want more. That it's less about the wanting more or even the having more. It's more about the leaning into more, taking the steps that it would take to have more, that it would take to have more. One thing Leaning in to feeling like that desire is even a possibility, and being willing to do whatever is on your side to do to have it, while also being aware and putting your attention on any and all potential thoughts that are coming up for you that potentially are blocking you from the new version, potentially the new version of you that gets to be created as you lean into something. Because, as Brenda mentioned, this is, desire grows us. It's not desire itself. That's like a growth hormone. That's not what I mean. I mean you have a desire, potentially, to take a vacation. It's not about being on vacation, it's who do you become as you start to lean into that? Oh, where would I want to go? Who would I want to go with? How much can I afford? What would that look like? And maybe it's really not in the vicinity of things that can take place right now. Maybe it turns out like your version of that vacation is you get a blanket and you go to the closest park to your house and you sit down with a journal for two hours, or you just lay on that blanket and stare at the sky, like I don't know what that's going to look like. But that's an example of leaning into a desire, even if you being in Bali or Fiji isn't necessarily one of the things that's possible. But what is something that's possible in leaning towards the thing that you want? Often we want more and we say grandiose things like I want more money, I want my private jet, I want, like yes, those are big things, but it's so far.

Speaker 1: 30:34

It's like when we're looking at the alphabet, it's like saying I am letter A and I want to hang out by Z. Like saying I am letter A and I want to hang out by Z. Like no, if we're in our beginning spot, like what would be one thing? How can I get myself? Maybe more educated?

Speaker 1: 30:53

Or maybe this means that I want to learn about aviation, or what is something that's going to get me closer to the thing that I desire. How can I be in rooms of people that are potentially talking about as I was talking about travel before, maybe people that are talking about how to travel inexpensively, I don't know, but what is within range. Maybe somebody can give you their miles. It's about less about how I can figure out how you can have your desire. It's more about how you can figure out how you can have your desire. So I want to invite everybody who's listening really check in with yourself and ask yourself am I, am I at enough, am I grateful for what I have and am I willing to go for the things that are just tapping me on the shoulder and wishing to be born? And with that, thank you so much. That's a wrap.

Speaker 2: 31:53

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

Speaker 1: 31:57

Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.