69 ~ How To Have More (Havingness Expander) (Toolbox Edition)

Can embracing your deepest desires lead to a life of fulfillment and gratitude? Together with Brenda and Catherine, let's explore the transformative power of desire and gratitude in shaping who we aspire to become. Brenda shares the "havingness expander" practice by Regina Thomas Shower, a tool designed to open our hearts to receive and appreciate more in life. How to have more is truly a skill that isn't spoken about enough. Catherine brings a heartfelt story from her past, illustrating how gratitude and faith became her anchors during turbulent times. We unpack the spiritual practice of embracing desire, acknowledging the discomfort it may bring, and learning to say yes to our dreams despite the uncertainties.

We extend our heartfelt gratitude to you, our listeners, for supporting the "Desire as Medicine" podcast. Your engagement and personal stories are what make this journey so enriching. Desire, we discover, is not just a feeling but a force that fosters honesty, love, and profound intimacy with ourselves and others. We invite you to reflect on your personal experiences with desire and join the conversation through our social media channels. Thank you for being an integral part of this exploration into fulfilling our deepest desires.

Chapters

• 0:08 Exploring Desire and Gratitude Practice
• 17:02 Expressing Gratitude on Desire Podcast

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children. I've never been married. I spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired, and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student, even after decades of inner work.

Speaker 2: 1:00

We are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire peace that is often overlooked. Being responsible for our desire Fitting with discomfort. We have been talking about having this. We have been talking about how much is enough. We're talking about desire and leaning into becoming the person that gets to have what you want. Brenda and I had this gorgeous episode where we sort of just went over what had us actually move the needle the smoothest or the fastest. Like, in hindsight, what do we actually see has been beneficial for us in gaining access to our desires? And it was a great overview because we get to sort of like look back one decade, two decades, three decades Okay, what in the four decades plus got us here. But when we're not looking at decade work and we're just talking about, all right, something just happened and I feel super uncomfortable. Or I have this desire, I want to lean into this thing that I'm going to have or that I want to have, and how do I be with it? How do I say yes while still being uncomfortable Because I don't know how I'm going to get there. I don't know how I'm going to get it. I don't know if I'm going to get there. I don't know how I'm going to get it. I don't know if I'm going to get it. Ooh, like just goosebumps. Right, and there are some practices that you can do on a daily basis. Brenda's going to get into that but one of the practices is saying thank you for everything that I have to God and I want to share that. That is the one that I use the most, especially during my teen years.

Speaker 1: 3:17

There was a time when I was just going through a really hard time. I was in full grief. It was the first year after my mom's passing and I would often feel just so bogged down. I was in a new school in New York. I was an A student over there. I was kind of like an F student more because I just the education system was very different. So that's neither here nor there. The point is I had to study a lot and I would come home at like six and just study from six to 12. It was like six hours of study daily for myself to catch myself up.

Speaker 1: 3:59

In ninth grade. I didn't have any of my friends there. I didn't have any of my family there. I didn't have any of my family there. I mean, I had family, but family that I hadn't really grown up with. So I felt lonely, stretched, full of grief and just experiencing a new life.

Speaker 1: 4:19

So I turned to my faith and I would say thank you God for being here with me, thank you God for giving me another day, thank you God for helping me find the strength, thank you God.

Speaker 1: 4:48

Thank you God for having me not be alone, and I can honestly say that that just helped me live as many days as I needed, while I was fully at the bottom as a teen, just really not knowing how to hold myself up, really not knowing how to hold myself up.

Speaker 1: 5:07

So I wanted to definitely introduce that tool because I have an embodied like a real embodied experience of what that was like for me and that was a tool that, to this day, I find very helpful. And sometimes I'm just like walking through the world going God, can you believe that? I'm just like chatting it up and saying thank you, because the truth is that often I can get really caught up in what I don't have, really thinking about my desires, really thinking about all the things I didn't accomplish, and talking to God really humbles me. When I talk out, I actually do this out loud. It humbles me because it helps remind me of how far I've come, and the truth is that I have actually been able to create a lot, not just intangible things, but I have a particular peace and internal freedom that I never thought would be possible, and so here, as everyone witnessing me, I say thank you, god for everything that I have, brenda.

Speaker 2: 6:24

Thank you, catherine. That was really gorgeous. You can really feel. I love when you said that you have this embodied and I want to share with our listeners that that's what it feels like when somebody has something embodied, like you can freaking feel your heart when you talk about that. So thank you for not only sharing that little practice but showing us what it means to really have something embodied. So this having this expander practice actually has six, six little parts, and that was one of them. And this practice came from Regina Thomas shower, from the, from the School of Womanly Arts, when I did that program. I don't know where it came from before that, maybe she created it, I don't know, but I did not create it, catherine, and I did not create it Although we've done all the parts of this, but we're putting it together and Regina had this beautiful havingness expander.

Speaker 2: 7:20

When things are feeling crunchy, when you're hitting up against your own personal limit of what you feel that you could have, you can actually expand your havingness, your ability to have more, because we do always want more. So number one is emptying what's full, so you're full. What does that mean? It means think of it like a cup of water. Your cup is just right to the top. Maybe you've had something really good happen in your life. Like me, recently I got a new car. Maybe you went on a great vacation. Maybe you had a beautiful day with your family and you're just feeling so fulfilled in your life. Maybe you went on a great vacation. Maybe you had a beautiful day with your family and you're just feeling so fulfilled in your life. Maybe you learned something really new. Maybe you leaned into a desire, whatever it was, you are having something new in your life that's filling you up, and so sometimes we actually get crunchy when we hit that limit of what we feel we could have. So what do we do with a cup of water? We don't want it to spill. We empty it a little bit. So this practice is emptying what's full, which is doing anonymous acts of good. This is one way that you could do it. There's lots of ways. We're just giving you this one. So doing anonymous acts of good this is one way that you could do it. There's lots of ways. We're just giving you this one. So doing anonymous acts of good is so much fun. You're just emptying out.

Speaker 2: 8:45

I like to do this in so many different ways. Sometimes I just like to help somebody in the grocery store. Sometimes I just I'll just walk around and I'll smile at people and talk to them, or talk to somebody older on the boardwalk that looks like they're alone. I'll just spark up a conversation. Another little anonymous act of good that I like to do is I sometimes will take dollar bills and I'll fold them up and I'll just put them places. So I'll put one, like at the train station in the little place where you get the ticket, or in the grocery store next to a pack of cookies, and I know somewhere someone is going to find this dollar bill. So, whatever that means to you, some kind of random act of kindness, anonymous act of good.

Speaker 2: 9:31

The second one is this beautiful practice that Catherine just shared with us, which is saying thank you for everything that you have. And the third one is along those same lines. It's a list of gratitudes. Gratitude is a beautiful way to take in and capital. H-a-v-e. Have what you're having in your life. H-a-v-e. Have what you're having in your life and like integrate it into your body is just writing out a list of gratitudes, and that could mean expressing them, maybe not, that's up to you. It is really beautiful to express gratitude. I know I, when I do this gratitude practice, I get so filled up with joy and fullness and appreciation. It just feels so good that the next natural step for me is to express it. So that's just also another way of emptying what's full and emptying out. Okay, ready for number four. And emptying out Okay, ready for number four.

Speaker 2: 10:46

When you pass a mirror, look at your reflection, wink at yourself and say I love you. It feels maybe a little bit silly at first, but this is just one little practice to be self-loving towards yourself. One little practice to be self-loving towards yourself. Look in the mirror and you're having that intimacy with yourself. You're looking at yourself. You're saying this is who I am, this is my life, this is the life that I'm creating. This is the woman with the new car, this is the woman who just took the vacation to Europe that I really wanted to take. And I'm looking at myself in the eye and I'm going yeah, this is me, thank you and wink I love you. Fun little practice and that you could do anytime. Okay, number five is a really fun one.

Speaker 2: 11:39

This one is actually from the Drs Badansky. We recently had Steve Badansky on our podcast, and he has spent his life learning and teaching with his wife, vera, about pleasure and orgasm. So this one is an exercise that he wrote in his book called Visiting Dignitary Exercise. So this is I'm going to sum it up and then I'm going to tell you where you can find the practice. The visiting dignitary is preparing your space as if the queen was coming to visit, except you are the queen. If the queen was coming to visit except you are the queen we so often, when we're having company or say you're having very important company, like maybe the queen is coming to visit you, you would definitely clean up your house, you would definitely get flowers, you would definitely take out your best china, you would definitely put some care into what you're going to eat or drink right, and we do that for other people all the time. But this exercise, the visiting dignitarypleasuring during that time. So you could do that. And if you don't want to actually do the self-pleasure sexual piece, you can just set that space up for yourself and read, you can rest, you can dance, you can write whatever it is that you want. And this exercise, if you want to read more about it, it's in their book called the Illustrated Guide to the Extended Massive Orgasm, and then he also talks about it in his book called Self-Pleasure. Both books I highly recommend.

Speaker 2: 13:39

Okay, we're up to number six. You ready? She's clapping, she's clapping and snapping over there. Okay, number six is celebrate the good. Celebrate the good and brag, brag, brag. You can go back to exit, exit. You can go back to episode 49 where we did the desire quad practice and we talked more about bragging.

Speaker 2: 14:04

But bragging is celebrating the good in your life. Women generally like to one down each other. They like to say oh yeah, your life is bad, my life is even worse. It's like who gets a prize for being the biggest victim. Men are just naturally good at one upping each other. Women are really good at one downing each other. So this is brag. Say what's good about your life, say what you created. Really toot your own horn, and this is very different than boasting. You're not putting yourself above somebody else, you are just honoring and celebrating the good that you have created in your life. That is powerful.

Speaker 2: 14:51

So these are the six steps to the havingness expander. I'm just going to state them again. Number one anonymous acts of good, emptying what's full. Number two say thank you for everything that I have. Number three make a list of gratitudes every day or as often as you need. Number four when you pass a mirror, look at your reflection and wink and say I love you. Number five a visiting dignitary exercise by the Drs Badansky. And number six brag, and you can do these at any time. You don't have to do all six people, you can just do the one that's accessible to you. You could do one today, one tomorrow, but all of these activities are designed for you to integrate the goodness of your life into your body and expand your havingness, so that you can not only have what you have now in your life and honor it, but also open up to more. So that is the havingness. Expand your practice, catherine. Anything that you'd like to say? Or maybe, why don't?

Speaker 1: 16:04

you just close us out. Thank you so much, brenda, for sharing all those steps, those possibilities for us when we feel crunchy, when we feel full, that can I know. You gave some examples of that, like buying your car. I would say, potentially, if you have a full day with people, if you're like a um, somebody who potentially self-proclaimed hibernator, that at the end of that day you do something for yourself to really ground and be like all right in your own energy. Uh, thank you so much for just doing such a great job at describing all of those for us. This is a great thing to use when you feel full, when you feel crunchy. Crunchy means like, oh, you're kind of irritable and you would just really like to empty out so you could have space for more. And with that, thank you so much. Thank you to everybody who listened, because without you we don't have a podcast until next time. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 17:13

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.