66 ~ Making Decisions with Confidence

Ever find yourself craving something as simple as dinner out with a friend, only to realize how complex the decision-making process actually is? Join us as we unravel the intricate layers of understanding and expressing desire. 

We share a playful story about a dinner outing together that turned into a lesson on how our values, conditioning, and external influences shape even the smallest decisions. Our conversation is a deep dive into the art of truly knowing what we want and highlights the joy and fulfillment that comes from living in tune with our authentic desires.

We also venture into the realm of decision-making, dissecting the tug-of-war between society's pressure on us to make a decision and orienting inward by taking the time to really sit with what you want. Through personal anecdotes, we uncover how our changing emotions and gut instincts play a role in our choices, particularly when it comes to addressing our basic needs or past conditioning. 

This episode encourages listeners to give themselves the freedom to explore their desires and decisions without judgment, paving the way for personal growth and genuine connections with others. Tune in to discover the rewards of embracing the ongoing journey of self-reflection and authenticity.

Chapters

• 0:08 Following Desire
• 16:24 Understanding Decision-Making and Self-Reflection

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire.

Speaker 2: 0:14

Inviting you into our world. I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life, motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student.

Speaker 2: 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desire as Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire. Welcome back everyone to the Desire as Medicine podcast. I am here with the lovely Brenda. We have a very special episode today. It's special because the beginning of this episode is going to be me making fun of us. So check it out.

Speaker 1: 1:45

Last week we recorded this great episode on how to really train, guide, share who you are with your partner, your man, so that your man partner knows exactly how to win with you. In that episode at some point we were talking about how, like, what do you do when you don't actually know what you want? Brenda and I are sort of going back and forth. We're talking about the lovely pause and how much you get out of the pause and how pause just brings you back to yourself and helps you share of yourself with your man and partner. So we're all excited. After that episode, she and I are like, yes, next week we are going to record a toolbox. This is amazing, it's going to be great, but I'm pumped.

Speaker 1: 2:36

And today here we are, we're recording and we're going through a little bit of a sort of step-by-step. All right, what do we want to teach? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I just want to let you know that, yeah, it's not so simple Feeling into what you want, feeling into what you need. Then, after that, it's not just about pausing, because with the pause we realize, oh, we actually do many other things. We take our values into account, we take our conditioning into account, we take others into account.

Speaker 1: 3:16

So, yes, there is discomfort of the pause and prior to today's conversation with Brenda, I probably would have been lying and said, oh, it just requires us to pause. But I'm going to invite Brenda now to give an example. It's going to sound simple, but it's really not simple. Or maybe it doesn't sound simple, you guys can let me know. But it was so funny. I giggled so hard today, because the truth is that it does begin with a pause, like just taking some time. But there are definitely some other steps and regardless of whether it's four or five or a million steps, it is so worth it. Tell them how and why, brenda. Tell them.

Speaker 2: 4:07

Oh, my goodness, I love the setup for this episode because, like you said, we were like, okay, we're just going to teach how to take the pause when making a decision. And I said, you know, I feel like a fish in water, because I feel like I do this all the time that I almost can't even see it. And when we started breaking it down, we were like wait a minute Pause. This is actually really complex. It's really not so simple. It's definitely a practice that you can build up over time, and I would like to say that I think that you and I are pretty good at it, but it's taken a lot of time and I was not always this way. I don't know about you, but I was definitely not always this way. So I'm going to tell a little story. So last night, catherine and I were out to dinner. We had this lovely Mexican dinner. We both had the fajitas. It was great. We're talking for a whole long time and we're walking through the city and we're talking and all of a sudden, I see a boba restaurant place whatever you call it Like bubble tea, so good, I've been wanting bubble tea and it hasn't worked out. And I saw this little boba restaurant. I was like, oh my gosh, I want bubble tea. And Catherine's like, no, she didn't want bubble tea. But I'm like, great, let's go in anyway. And right there I just want to say I could feel the joy and ease of friendship that wasn't always there for me. I don't know that I would have ever in the past, really, going back, taken the space to be like, oh, I want that thing. I think I was more of a follower in that way. So we go into the boba place and I'm feeling so excited at the potential of boba bubble tea. Then I realized, oh, it's eight o'clock at night. I definitely don't want caffeine, I don't eat dairy. So I asked her what kind of non-dairy, non-caffeine bubble teas she has. And already I'm feeling, oh, this is narrowing down the choices. She gives me the choices and they're all like fruity and strawberry and I'm like, ooh, that they could be very sweet. And I realized, oh, I don't want all that sugar. And so I realized this isn't actually it. This isn't going to hit the spot of my desire. No caffeine, no dairy, no sugar. It's becoming no fun. So it just wasn't the spot. So I paused for a second and Catherine's just standing there and I checked in with myself and I realized no, I actually don't want this bubble tea right now. And I thanked her and we left.

Speaker 2: 7:00

But in that pause, what came up for me? I could feel my conditioning of I chose to come into this shop, she's all ready to make me a drink, take my money. And I felt my conditioning of I'm supposed to follow through with this. I said I wanted boba tea and now I've activated this sale and I'm supposed to follow through. I felt it. It didn't lead me. I thanked her and we left. And I want to say that I left the boba restaurant feeling great Because even though I didn't get my boba and we talk about this a lot here, about desire isn't about manifesting, it's not really about having the thing, it's about following the desire and the joy of following it and I left feeling, ooh, I followed my desire. This is a lot of fun and I also felt really good and right with my decision that this just wasn't it. Do I still want boba? Oh, yes, I do, and I'm going to get that boba when it's right.

Speaker 1: 8:12

That's such a great story. We know you want your boba, I get it, and you should have it even better than you expect it to be. But yes, see how I was talking about this before. As I set it up I set up the story we really were like, oh, we're going to set this up and, it's true, there is a moment where you can just pause.

Speaker 1: 8:35

Often we don't know what we want because we're moving too quickly and we just don't know how to take the time. Like the two minutes, the five minutes, to just even if you can take five deep breaths, like really feel your lungs being filled, will help you drop back in. It's so helpful, not because, oh my goodness, breathing is magic even though, yes, breathing is magic and it's necessary to survive More because often, where we're moving so quickly from thing to thing or we have even the tiniest amount of stress, it shortens our breath and we just don't have the same cadence in breathing. So taking a minute, two minutes, five minutes to come back to ourselves and breathe is so beneficial. But if I were to take Brenda's example here on what it takes to make a decision right, she saw the boba. She was like I want it, I want it, so we go in. She's like what do I want or need? She wants the boba. What does she need? She needs it to be dairy-free and she needs it to be caffeine-free. She could have overridden those needs right, but she's stuck with her needs. Okay, stay there, no dairy, no caffeine. Then, as she's listening to her options, the woman behind the counter is giving Brenda the options. Brenda realizes the options that I'm being given. They have too high a sugar count for this time of evening. It was about eight o'clock at night, so now it's rubbing up against her values. And then, on top of that, there was the conditioning behind it of oh wait, I'm making my friend go into Boba, or oh wait, I'm going into a store and not ordering.

Speaker 1: 10:38

We also take others into account when we're deciding a yes or a no of what we want. All of these things are happening behind the pause, and these are just the things that we came up with today as we prepared for this conversation, for this episode, but I'm sure there are probably even more things that go into this that we're just not accounting for in this moment. But the pausing is key. We have to sort of slow ourselves down so that we could even feel it, because our life can be so packed that just getting to the place of learning to say no right, so we can understand what we're truly available for. Taking all those different parts into account, what we want, what we need, what our goals are, values, conditioning other people all of that it's not so simple. All of that, it's not so simple and at the same time, it's completely doable, like 100% doable.

Speaker 1: 11:45

I would say that Brenda and I have different compositions. Brenda can be with something sort of sitting back and forth of do I want to do it, don't I want to do it. That doesn't happen to me, as often I potentially am a slightly more trigger happy right now, but at the same time I think when I see Brenda make her decisions, I'm like, oh, that's a woman who really thought it through, like she really gave herself the time, and I want to say that's like a beautiful thing. Brenda. I really want to applaud you on that.

Speaker 2: 12:24

Thank you so much. It's taken me a long time to get there and do that and I really love that. You brought up different compositions and I think that's really important here, because we're not all the same, our systems are not all designed the same and you and I are very different in our designs and how we approach decisions, and I think there's a lot of pressure in our society to be one way to be, a way of being asked a question and know what you want. There's a lot of pressure to know what you want and kids are graduating high school and they're supposed to know what they want to do for the rest of their life. How are kids supposed to know that? And even how are adults supposed to know what you want to do for the rest of your life? There's so much pressure to know and that if you don't know, there's something wrong with you. But I think taking that pause and kind of feeling into it is so important.

Speaker 2: 13:25

Now I'll say that I have in human design I'm not going to get into this too much that I have in human design. I'm not going to get into this too much, but we do have an episode on this, episode 10 on human design. I have emotional authority, so that means that it takes me time to feel into what I want. Not always I'm also a responder, so I can look at the boba restaurant and be like I want that and I know now to follow it because that's my joy in life. I go into the boba restaurant and I follow it, but then in there I take the time and the space to actually go through it thread by thread and feel into what is my desire here and what do I want, and take the space for it.

Speaker 2: 14:08

That's a small example. Bigger examples could be making plans for a holiday. Or you know, I recently moved. Where do I want to live? Or I recently bought a car. What kind of car? This doesn't into what it feels like to have the silver car, what it feels like to have the dark gray car or the white car. Sometimes I know immediately and sometimes I don't.

Speaker 2: 14:46

And I think it's really important to know yourself, and that's what I love about human design. So go find out what kind of authority you have. And, catherine, you have sacral, which means that, which is why I think it's easier for you to make a decision. You just know Now. You're human, so sometimes you just need to sit with it and think about it. But I think in our relationship I'm the one who does need to pause and sit with it a little bit longer, and I've learned the rightness of that, because I didn't always have it conform and make a decision, and I've learned how not right that is for me. And what I am mostly wanting to attune to in my life is myself and my capacity and what I truly desire, because when I follow that, my life is better and my relationships are better because I'm more honest with myself and with others. What about you?

Speaker 1: 16:02

I'm smiling because, oh, this toolbox, which is no longer a toolbox, it is an episode, because the thing that they just came up from me you were talking, brenda, about how you have so much more permission now for being an emotional authority and you like urged others to potentially go look at, look up their human design. You are emotional authority, meaning that your emotions kind of go up down, up down when you're deciding on something. So one minute you're like yay, next minute you're like nay, and then eventually it evens out and you can feel into what's actual for you. I'm more of like a yes, no, and I usually know in my gut. But here's the caveat, people, because if you are a yes, no out there and you're like, oh, I know immediately, I'm like Catherine, I know right away. Well, I'm about to put a little kink in our little two-step here.

Speaker 1: 16:55

The kink is sometimes I have to check my yes or check my no for other things. Sometimes I'm like am I saying yes because I have a need, as in a need, and a need would be like the Maslow hierarchy of needs. So maybe I have a need to feel safe, or maybe I have a need to belong, maybe I have a need to feel loved and so I'm saying yes to something, but what I'm actually leaning my yes against isn't a goal or a value or conditioning. It's like, oh, I'm wanting to fill this need and often when I want to fill a need with a decision, that's a yes. With something that's outside of me, it doesn't really feel fulfilling. That's usually not the way it works. Normally, if I have a need, it's something that I need to do for myself in order for it to really feed my soul or my human. Sometimes my yes or no could be a trauma response, right, like I have. Sometimes my yes or no could be because of conditioning. My yes or no could be because of conditioning. Maybe I see myself as an individual that always says yes to X or always says yes to Y. I remember I was definitely the type of person in my 20s and my teens that always said yes to the party, like who didn't want to go to the party. Now I'm definitely a no to that, so the yes was of the time. When I think of trauma response, I think, brenda, you're going to have to tell me, because I'm assuming I have, but I may not have. For those that don't know, my mother died of stomach cancer when I was a teenager, and so I have a lot of conditioning around eating. The conditioning is mostly or trauma response. Well, I can use those words interchangeably or take them out altogether.

Speaker 1: 18:56

The bottom line is I don't like to eat in any sort of discomfort. I prefer not to. I will opt out to eat, like out of eating, if I'm somewhere and the food is surrounded by flies, or if I'm somewhere and the music is really loud, or if I'm somewhere and we're all standing and it's really tight. Like if I am in any way shape or form uncomfortable. Where my nervous system is not regulated, I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat in a rush. I'm always the last one to finish my food. I'm always the last one to finish my food and I'm okay with it. Like it's not something that I feel I need to change.

Speaker 1: 19:37

But I am aware that that behavior that like I am a no to eating fast, I'm a yes to taking my time comes from somewhere. I don't think it's necessarily my yes, no, sacral. I am Still a beginner, yet advanced enough as a practitioner to know that that's where that comes from. Like it extends to other pieces in food too.

Speaker 1: 20:03

If I take a bite of something, and it's not super desirable, once I'm past the point of satiated I don't want to eat anymore, like I won't eat something that I'm not just in love with, because, you know, believe it or not, even after a few bites you're not starving anymore and then you don't need it. Right? I wish this meant that I didn't ever overeat, but that's not the case. If it tastes good and I am regulated and it's in the best of conditions, yes, I can easily overeat, but there are under certain conditions I cannot continue to partake in something. So I just wanted to give an example of like.

Speaker 1: 20:43

When our response, our sacral response, is a yes, or when you're like oh hell yes to something, there are still even times to sort of sit with where is this coming from? And know that even if it's coming from an air quotes not like completely value, neutral place, it's okay. This is, this is life, and we're just here to learn more about each other, to stay connected to growing connection right, to know ourselves better, so we can share of ourselves and enjoy the world more, without just being on everybody's ride but being on our own ride, and this is sort of like a way to take a deeper look into why your ride looks the way it looks.

Speaker 2: 21:29

Why your ride looks the way it looks. I love that. Yeah, thank you for sharing that story. It's such a great example of all the reasons that you might be a yes or no to something. Like it's not just maybe as simple as desire. Like there's other reasons, and I love the permission that you're giving it's okay. Like this is where we are. We're not trying to be somewhere where we're not. Maybe you have a desire to clear something out or be more aware of your yes or no, but that there's other factors involved.

Speaker 2: 22:06

I loved when you said I'm the last one to finish eating, which is true, and I don't think I knew that about you. I think I've witnessed you doing that. I didn't know that that was the reason, so thank you for doing that. I didn't know that that was the reason, so thank you for sharing that. And what I'm, what I'm really hearing, is this taking up of space in all of this and in these stories, that you know the pressure to make a decision or eat quick or whatever you're doing, to say yes or no. It kind of keeps everybody comfortable. It keeps things moving, but things can move too quick and then we can lose ourselves. But taking the time to pause, wherever you are, and feel into what is it that you want? And sometimes you know, and sometimes you don't know, and this is all okay. But here's the other thing. Sometimes, like you said, it matters, and sometimes it doesn't know, and this is all okay. But here's the other thing. Sometimes, like you said, it matters and sometimes it doesn't matter. Right Like last night before we went out to dinner during the day, catherine sent the restaurant that we're going to meet at and I loved that I got to go on your food ride, because we didn't talk about what we were going to eat.

Speaker 2: 23:14

She was like I'm taking you out to dinner for your birthday. I was like, okay, great. And she just sent me the restaurant and I was like, oh, great, I don't have a preference here, I'm just going to go on your ride. And I was such a yes. I was like, ooh, catherine sent me this great Mexican restaurant. So sometimes we do go on other people's rides by choice, because sometimes it matters and sometimes sometimes it doesn't like it depends where we are, and there are times where a particular restaurant does matter to me and then the question is am I willing to speak up and say that?

Speaker 1: 23:51

or not. I love this so much. I think we've touched on some really great points today in our conversation. We've talked about what originally was going to be just like the power of the pause to be able to breathe and make a account, making accommodations for our conditioning and others, being able to be with the discomfort of, I guess, taking up space to pause, really thinking about how having a packed life right affects us and remembering that learning to say no is probably the best lessons we'll ever ever have for ourselves and our own sanity.

Speaker 1: 24:41

Thinking about different compositions and how some of us really need to kind of be with ourselves a little longer to feel into what feels good. Some of us know our yes or no really fast and how this can give us an insight into our capacity. But even with a fast yes, no person right. We? We have to. We have to look at am I saying yes or no because of a need I have, or is this? Am I activated? Is this the trauma responses? Where's this coming from?

Speaker 1: 25:08

And it doesn't have to be the biggest of things. This is just for you to know yourself, for us to know ourselves. It's not because we have to do anything differently. This is for us to get to know ourselves better, for us to know what we want, to get closer and closer to knowing more about ourselves, so that we can then share it with those we love, so that then those we love know how to love us in a way that feels really, really good to us. I hope that you have thoroughly enjoyed listening to this episode. I don't know if you've enjoyed it as much as Brenda and I have had recording it, but nonetheless hope you enjoyed it too. If you loved it, please share it, review it, it tag us, dm us. We would love to hear from you, and that's all folks.

Speaker 2: 26:03

Until next time thank you for joining us on the desire is medicine podcast.

Speaker 1: 26:13

Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.