79 ~ Why Receiving Feels So Hard (and How to Change That)

What if embracing the art of receiving could transform your relationships and enrich your life? 

Join us as we navigate the often overlooked skill of receiving with grace.  We talk about the societal norms that lead women to struggle with the basic art of receiving. 

Brenda and Catherine offer a fresh perspective on how mastering the art of receiving leads to deeper connections and a more fulfilling life, inviting listeners to reflect on their own reception practices. 

Highlights of this Episode:

• We share our personal journeys with receiving 
• Importance of recognizing desires and the role of receiving 
• Discussion on societal pressures surrounding hyper-independence 
• Strategies for receiving compliments with grace 
• The benefits of being present during gift exchanges 
• How gratitude enhances reception in everyday life 
• Encouragement for listeners to reflect and practice their reception skills

Thank you for listening.  We would love to receive your insights about how this episode touched you.

Chapters

• 0:08 The Art of Receiving With Grace
• 9:56 The Art of Gracious Receiving
• 26:18 The Art of Graceful Receiving

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student, even after decades of inner work.

Speaker 2: 1:00

We are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked peace. That is often overlooked being responsible for our desire. Welcome back, family friends. Hey. Hey, we are back.

Speaker 1: 1:30

Me and my co-host, Brenda, are excited to talk about reception. In theory, we've talked about this part before where we all want more Makes sense. Human beings, we just want more, More, more, more. Sometimes we don't even know why we want more, but we know we want more. Like who cares why we want more? We just want more, bigger, better, that sort of thing, and that makes sense. Sometimes we haven't even finished enjoying what we have and we're already ready for the next thing, Because reception is a funny thing.

Speaker 1: 2:12

Like that, you get something you're like thank you, that was so nice. But how often do we receive and say, wow, yes, Like you look good in that. Yes, I do here. Let me give you this. Thank you so much, I love this. How often do we make ourselves fantastic to give to? And that's what we are talking about today. We're talking about being great at receiving, Because ultimately, that's what helps us not just get what we desire, but it makes us have better relationships, deeper relationships, deeper communication. Above all else, have a more fulfilling life. Isn't that what we're actually in this game of life for? So we're going to be breaking down reception today, how we receive something, whether it's a compliment or feedback, how we receive help or love or even criticism.

Speaker 1: 3:29

When someone says, would you like some feedback, we're like I don't know about that, maybe not, maybe not. Criticism isn't like French fries, like you know, when you're around French fries, you just want French fries. Everybody want a fry. When, when we're on criticism, we don't all want that, no, no. But how can we be just fantastic to give to, even if it's criticism? Right, that's what we're talking about today. What comes up for you, brenda? Criticism and french fries so good.

Speaker 2: 4:08

I love this question. How do we make ourselves fantastic at giving to receiving? And when we talk about wanting more, we talk about our desires. Whether you want to admit that you have the desire or not, in order to have your desire, you need to be able to receive it. You need to be able to have it. And wow, that is an art. We have been conditioned as women, especially being a Gen X this remember the Anjali commercial. I could bring home the bacon, I could fry it up in a pan and never let you forget you're a man Like oh, I could do it all, baby.

Speaker 2: 4:58

This hyper independence is how I grew up. It blocks our reception because we can't do it all, not all, at the same time anyway. So if you want to have your desires, you need to be a little soft, right? You need to be soft and receptive and open, and you need to be able to pause and slow down in order to receive.

Speaker 2: 5:28

I think our bodies are built that way, like our bodies as women are like soft and squishy and, you know, curvy, and our bodies are reception itself. As women, they're meant to receive. In sex, we receive. That's just how we're physiologically built. Our creativity comes in, or our inspiration, great ideas, desire. They all come to us from who knows where. We've talked about it as a wave Life force, energy. How does it land in your body? But it does, I think we've agreed on. It. Lands in our body, and can you receive it? Do you let it in, just like receiving sperm for creation and life itself? Our bodies are physiologically built this way. Why are so many women not good at receiving? I think it goes back to this hyper-independence. So the question is how do we make ourselves fantastic at giving to? What would you say, catherine?

Speaker 1: 6:39

Well, I have a follow-up. So how can I make myself fantastic? To give to For sure is a great question. And I'm thinking of when someone gives me something, whether it's a gift or a compliment, or they want to help me with something, they want to offer me love or maybe things I don't really want, where I'm like no, thank you, don't want the feedback, no, thank you, don't want the criticism. But in all seriousness, can I ask myself Well, first off, it's our age old advice here that Brenda and I are constantly saying we need to pause and just slow down, constantly saying we need to pause and just slow down.

Speaker 1: 7:31

Someone is offering me something and I get to feel into. How can I fully receive this with love? How can I pause, really absorb, like if I were a sponge, what's being given to me and be able to, with my full body, just say thank you, thank you for the gift or thank you for X that you've given me. This is so beautiful to receive. Thank you for saying that. Let's say it's a compliment. Thank you so much for saying that.

Speaker 1: 8:05

Saying that, let's say it's a compliment. Thank you so much for saying that. That really means a lot to me. Let's say it's help. Thank you so much for your help. It really meant the world to me that you were able to show up for me in this way. Thank you so much for either your gift or your act of service. Thank you for whatever you've given me that really had me feel loved and appreciated. It has me think, brenda. How can I pause, either right before and or during and after, to fully feel the impact of the gift that's being given to me? I then feel into how can I receive this fully with love, so that this person that's gifting me this also feels it? How can I have this moment be an actual gift exchange? They give me something and I give my gratitude, but really fully feel the gratitude before I say thank you.

Speaker 2: 9:17

Yeah, I think you're saying this beautiful piece about reception is that we, in order to for somebody to have the experience of really giving, we need to receive. I think that's one of the earliest lessons that I learned. I was like, oh, without my reception, I'm robbing someone of the beauty of giving. And it feels so great to give, so great, it feels so good to give, but if somebody doesn't receive it, I'm robbed of that. And one of my favorite things to do is to give real compliments and I will just stop a random woman on the street or in the store and just say to her you are a beautiful woman, or I love your outfit, you're so fashionable. I only say it if I mean it and they're like thank you.

Speaker 2: 10:20

This is a great point for talking about receiving. It's just the simple act of thank yous. Mostly women don't receive that. We have these unsaid agreements, unspoken agreements between us as women that we're going to dim our light, we're going to be small, we're going to not shine, we're going to pretend that we're not magnificent, amazing creatures that we are, and we deflect all these compliments all the time. It took me a long time, like actually being in a women's community, to learn about the art of receiving a compliment and you know we practiced it and if you're listening, you could practice this. You know, let's try it right now. You could say thank you, you are. You are a beautiful woman.

Speaker 1: 11:20

Thank you.

Speaker 2: 11:24

And what if you just said thank you to a compliment when you received it? What if it was true? What if the other person wasn't lying? Can you receive that? And it's a beautiful gift to give, to receive a compliment. I know, when I stop women on the street and give them the compliment, I'm only saying if it's true and I do want to be received, I want to give them the compliment. I'm only saying if it's true and I do want to be received, I want to see them own it. I think it's beautiful when women own it and own themselves, and part of that is the reception of receiving a gift. What comes up for you, catherine?

Speaker 1: 12:04

It's beautiful. I think when you, brenda, are able to offer another woman a compliment like, oh, I love that outfit on you, it's so fashionable, or you wear that so well, and she says thank you and means it it feels good, it's like, oh, the next time I see a woman that's dressed lovely and really fashionably, I want to let her know how fashionable she looks. Fashionably, I want to let her know how fashionable she looks. But if every time I turned to a woman I gave them compliments, it felt flat or they were like, oh, thank you. Or became defensive or did the age old oh, it's really nothing, this is I hand me down, or I got it over here, it wasn't expensive. They go through that. It's like, no, I didn't need to know all of that. Like, just want to let you know that you look good and what you're wearing and like, thank you would have been enough. The rest of it is so much extra, and one of I mean in our lineage they say that that is just the person receiving is having difficulty receiving and being with the sensation of the gift, and so they begin to dilute, diffuse that sensation with the explanation. It's sort of the nervous energy and the way that it comes out sideways is not no, thank you, don't give me the compliment, but like oh, this was. I got this at the thrift store. And then they get all weird and awkward about it. All of a sudden the exchange is awkward when it could have been compliment, thank you, full reception, everybody feels seen and there's an actual gift exchange. The exchange has been made. Someone gave you a gorgeous compliment. You fully embraced it, absorbed it, you gave back the exchange of the gift by saying thank you, deeply felt. And I'm going to go a layer deeper here.

Speaker 1: 14:02

When we're not getting defensive about you know, I get that we can get defensive about feedback or criticism. If we can just listen, pause before we respond and say, oh, thank you so much for sharing that. Like, if somebody is criticizing something, I don't have to take it on as truth, I don't have to become defensive or get upset. I could just say, oh, thank you so much for your honesty, thank you so much for sharing that, because they're letting me know something that was not easy to share, or maybe it was easy for them and it wasn't easy for me to listen to or receive, and we can just let that be. It's said, it's in the space and that can be enough. I don't have to go into all the ways in which and claim my case. I could just let that go and just say thank you so much for sharing that In my head, knowing I don't really know how hard or not hard it was for this person to share this with me because it's uncomfortable.

Speaker 1: 15:03

They're not letting me know that I'm wearing something fabulous. They might be telling me something else that's not so nice to share. Can I just say thank you so much for sharing that. Thank you for your honesty. I'm really going to think about that and leave it at that. It doesn't have to be more than that and I want to move the conversation into like part of reception is presence. Can I be present to what's happening in this moment? I don't have to defend myself if it's criticism or someone's being defensive. I get to listen, full stop, pause, respond with my thank you for your honesty. And just as I am present for something that may be awkward or uncomfortable or highly sensational, I also get to be present for the hug or for love or beautiful words, a gorgeous gift, an act of service. The thing that tends to take us out of presence is the brain. The brain then has an opinion, a judgment, a thought about what just occurred, and it's wah, wah, wah, wah, wah wah, and it's wah, wah, wah, wah, wah wah.

Speaker 2: 16:28

What just came up for me when you were talking about that was how much being in your body matters for reception as opposed to being in your head. Right, think about let's just talk about sex the kind of sex that you might have if you're in your head or you have an idea of how it's going to go, as compared to if you're just in your body and you're in receptive mode, if you're in mode of allowing and flowing, instead of forcing or controlling or contracting like. Think about the difference in that kind of sex. So we're really talking about the more you can be in your body, the more you can receive. That's a great connection. I love that.

Speaker 2: 17:19

And what about receiving when it's out of your preferences, like we've all gotten gifts that we don't like. What happens when you get a gift and you don't like it? Can you be receptive for the gift? I learned this in a class I was in once I was in this women's class and we all received these beautiful crowns and one woman was like I don't want this one, I want that one, I want the pink flowers, I want the purple flowers. And it turned into a beautiful lesson in just receiving and receiving the gift, like we were being given this gift that was unexpected and not putting your preferences on it. Can you just receive the gift for what it is without getting too involved in whether you like it, whether you want it, whether you wish it was something different?

Speaker 2: 18:17

I think a great example of this would be like a mother receiving a noodle necklace from her kid. I have a pin that my son gave me. It's puzzle pieces that were painted gold and glued together with like feathers on it that he gave me when he was a little boy and I just oogled and oogled over that, this present that he gave me. I was so happy to receive it and like when I tap into that, the beauty of receiving that gift from my little boy, and how I just was so happy and how happy he was to give it to me, this puzzle pin brooch. I don't even know if I ever wore it Maybe I probably did, but I remember seeing it and looking at it and the beauty of that moment just lasted for so long for me. So that's just a great example of reception. And what if we did that more?

Speaker 1: 19:25

That's such a great example. I love, love, love that example. It really shines the light on how much easier it is to receive when we have no expectation. Right, here's this little boy who probably did something in an arts and crafts store or arts and crafts in school. Maybe it's a holiday, you know he's going to come home with something and you have school. Maybe it's a holiday, you know he's going to come home with something and you have no idea what it's going to be. It could be finger paint, his hand, it could be you know his favorite poem mommy is whatever, and you get to just receive it, have him feel fully seen and loved, and you love it because he made it for you. And how gorgeous is that?

Speaker 1: 20:13

This, for me, points to when we're receiving a gift. Can we just be fantastic to give to? Can we fully receive this with love, without adjustment, because there is a time for adjustment and maybe non-adjustment. Usually it's based on circumstance, right? If your partner buys you a gorgeous, I don't know, $50,000 ring, but they're in debt or they can't pay their rent and you're asking yourself, how is this happening? Maybe that's part of thank you so much for the loving gesture, but I don't think we're really in the position to do this. Is there a way that I could fully receive what you want me to know from this gift, what you want me to feel from this gift, and also have it feel good to fully receive it, knowing that it's not putting you out in any way?

Speaker 1: 21:12

Right, sometimes we are making adjustments for gifts, or someone hasn't slept in three days and they're like oh, you just had a baby. I want to come over and watch the baby overnight. You're like thank you so much for the thought, but I think you should take better care of yourself, right? There is a place sometimes where an adjustment is needed, but more often than not, a thank you is enough, and adjustments usually are for the people that are closest to us in our lives. And so maybe I would add okay, we're receiving a gift, we get to pause, absorb, full stop, thank you and adjust if necessary. But maybe not even in that moment, maybe the adjustment could be later, after the sort of high subsides, the high from the gift giving and receiving.

Speaker 1: 22:06

And this is having me go to the last thing I wanted to say, which is can we just practice? I want to invite everybody to just practice saying thank you really meaning it and just continuing to practice more gratitude. Brenda, I know you have a huge gratitude practice, gratitude journaling practice. I go over at least a minimum of three gratitudes a day. What was I really grateful for? And it does have me sort of. It does help me keep my eye on what am I really grateful for today?

Speaker 2: 22:51

Dawn. What am I really grateful for today? Yeah, what am I really grateful for today? That gratitude is a great practice to get into your body. It softens you and it opens your heart and it's so connecting. So when we talk about how do you get into your body to receive, that's a great practice to do because it drops you in.

Speaker 2: 23:15

And there's a saying that gratitude is a reflection of your genius. If somebody gives you a gratitude, they're really just reflecting to you your genius, what you're really good at. They're really just reflecting to you your genius, what you're really good at, or your beauty or your outfit or your skills, whatever it is. And can you receive that about yourself? Like, can you see yourself accurately? And sometimes that's hard and we need reflection for sure, but can you let it in? Can you let it in If somebody says, wow, you're a great rollerblader or wow, you're so good at that, you're so good at holding space for me, or you're so beautiful?

Speaker 2: 24:04

Can you receive the compliments about yourself and not deflect it Like? That's just probably the easiest way to start practicing being more receptive in your life. Just start with compliments, receiving them authentically, letting them in, like Catherine said, pausing, let it in, be a sponge and that could be a little uncomfortable because, going back to the quote that it's a reflection of your genius, you'd have to admit that it's true. You'd have to admit that you got some mad skills or that you're beautiful or really kind and generous, whatever it is. And it's a lot to see ourselves because, like I said earlier, we do have these unspoken agreements as women about how we're going to make ourselves smaller.

Speaker 2: 25:02

And I think that's why these conversations are so important, because if we want to have the life that we want, the life that we go to sleep dreaming of, maybe the life that we see somebody else over there having or any part of it, and we want something more in our life, we have to be able to hold it, we have to be able to receive it and even let's just go back to the very beginning admit that we want it. Just to admit that you want it means that you have received this desire from wherever it comes from. And just to even have that and admit this most tender thing inside of you that you want means that you're taking up space. It means that you believe that you can have it, or even maybe just say you want it before you even believe you can have it. We can do that too, but you're claiming it. You're claiming something when you say I want this thing and that's a really beautiful first step.

Speaker 1: 26:17

And that's a really beautiful first step. It really is. I'm thinking of the circumstances when someone gives us a compliment and we really love the person that's coming from and we think the same of them, and how jarring it can be. So maybe someone says, thank you so much for holding space for me and I'm like, oh wow, but this person holds such gorgeous space for me too, and the temptation to be like, well, you do it too. Actually you do it better than I do.

Speaker 1: 26:45

Right, when we sort of deflect a compliment and I just because it came up, when I offer the mirroring of the compliment where someone can say something to me, I can absorb it fully and say thank you, I'm so glad I feel like you do that for me often. Or someone says they love my outfit and I feel like they're always dressed well and I get to say thank you so much. That means a lot coming from you. I see you like a woman that has the most gorgeous fashion sense right. I don't have to trample on it because I think they're better at something. I still get to say thank you fully, receive it and let them know that it just means a lot coming from them because of X, y or Z.

Speaker 2: 27:38

That's so good. I have to jump in right here, because the way you just talked about that, the way that you just transmitted receiving the compliment, taking it in and then also sharing oh, this means a lot from you because you do this and then also sharing oh, this means a lot from you because you do this is very, very different than compliment commerce that we do. Oh, you're so beautiful, thank you, so are you. It's very, very different. You could feel it oh, I love, I love your boots, thank you, I love your boots. You could just feel the falseness in that, even if the person actually loved your boots too. You can feel the lack of reception in the way they said thank you and immediately took the attention off of them and bounced back with a reciprocal commerce compliment, and it doesn't feel authentic. It just doesn't. But the way that you just transmitted that, I could feel your reception.

Speaker 1: 28:46

So interesting that you say it feels fake.

Speaker 1: 28:49

I think that's a great thing to point out, thing to point out that our lack of reception either feels fake, feels off, feels disingenuous. At the end of the day, it just does not feel good to the gifter. So our job as receivers is to do a better job at receiving. Ultimately because this is the Desire as Medicine podcast and we are here to have more and experience more life based on what we desire, living lives led by desire and a reception practice really helps us expand. It helps us grow our receiving cups, it helps us grow in our reception, which then therefore means we can actually receive more, which ultimately is a beautiful thing and for listeners don't get me wrong this doesn't mean that you're in your life and all of a sudden you have all these things coming into your bucket. It's sort of, when we open our reception, it means we get to actually feel grateful for what we have, see the beauty that's already available to us. As we do that, then we actually begin to expand our ability to hold and see beauty and gifts and everything.

Speaker 2: 30:22

So beautiful. This is reminding me of how much people that we love want to give to us, and I'm just going to be heteronormative for a moment. Men want to give to us as women. They want to give us what we want. We just have to know what we want. They feel good to give it to us.

Speaker 2: 30:45

My partner just said to me yesterday I think I said something like oh, how do you want to do this? He said I'll do it anyway. Just tell me what you want and I'll do it. And he meant it. I was like, oh shit, I have to really know what I want here. It's very easy to not, but they want to give to us Just like, honestly, as a mother, I want to give what they want for the holidays or for their birthday, because I want to give it to them. If they don't tell me I can't do that and it like blocks me and I don't have that joy. And so you know, women, can you own your desire and can you share it? You say you want the relationship that you want, and I will tell you that reception is part of it. Receiving from your partner is the elixir that. It's a nutrient. It's actually a nutrient that helps you have the relationship that you want, and it takes some time to build that skill 1000%.

Speaker 1: 32:02

I would take that statement even out further and say our gratitude. Our reception, our ability to receive from others is a way to have deeper relationships and to have a more fulfilling life, and we want all of this and more for you. If any of this resonated with you, please let us know If you feel so moved. We would love a review, especially on Apple Podcasts. Let us know what part of this episode filled you. Thank you so much, until next time. Bye for now.

Speaker 2: 32:47

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

Speaker 1: 32:50

Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.