92 ~ Are You Actually Free? True Freedom vs False Escape

What does it really mean to be free? Is it doing whatever you want—or something else?

In this episode, we explore the difference between true freedom and false freedom. Many of us chase a version of freedom that actually leaves us feeling more stuck—mistaking impulsivity, people-pleasing, and structure-free living for liberation, when they’re really subtle forms of escape.

True freedom arises when we make conscious choices aligned with our values. It’s not about having no limits—it’s about making intentional choices rather than from wounds or conditioning. This kind of freedom brings clarity, safety, and spaciousness into our lives.

Surprisingly, structure—often viewed as restrictive—can be a powerful ally in cultivating freedom. Supportive routines reduce decision fatigue and create space for what matters most. Like skyscrapers that sway in the wind, flexible structures help us remain grounded and resilient.

Main Points:

• Awareness precedes choice—you need to know you have options before you can exercise freedom
 • False freedom often looks like reacting from impulse or emotion without considering impact
 • Structure paradoxically creates more freedom by eliminating decision fatigue
 • Like skyscrapers designed to sway with wind, effective structures have built-in flexibility
 • Regular practices (morning routines, consistent sleep schedules) support freedom rather than restrict it
 • Saying yes when you mean no might feel easier but compounds into less freedom over time
 • Small choices compound over time—consider the collective impact of daily decisions
 • True freedom involves owning your impact with love and integrity
 • Self-trust and self-awareness grow when you honor your needs and limits

Reflect:
What structures would truly support you?
Where are you experiencing true freedom? Where might it be false freedom in disguise? Where are you trying to escape?

Chapters

• 2:31 True Freedom vs False Freedom
• 5:45 The Role of Choice and Awareness
• 9:16 Structure as a Path to Freedom
• 15:40 Building Flexible Structures in Life
• 20:45 Owning Your Impact and Closing Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student.

Speaker 2: 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire. Peace that is often overlooked. Being responsible for our desire. Welcome back, friends.

Speaker 1: 1:29

So freedom we've been having such a great conversation around freedom, just talking about what it means to really be free. It's not about just doing whatever you want, however you want, not considering others or the impact or consequences in your life. It's about do I have the choice to go either way, or am I just saying, oh, our ability to respond to life right From a place of our values, instead of our wounding or conditioning, where we're able to really see and feel into what's true for us. What is it that we really want? What would feel the most nourishing, the most generative? The most nourishing, the most generative For me, my own personal life. I would say that the more responsibility I take, the more freedom I have, and we're going to get into this a little bit more, like even desire as medicine.

Speaker 1: 2:40

When we're responsible for our desire, it is truly so healing, because this is where we get to get free in the places where we're sort of stuck and we don't even know that we're stuck. We could potentially not even know. We have a spaciousness that opens up inside of us, like where there's no fear, shame, guilt or people pleasing. We get to feel safe in our environments, in our body, clear in our minds, connected to our hearts. Freedom looks like many, many things, and Brenda and I today we're going to go far out there like aliens and talk about false freedom. Like what does false freedom look like? It's the places where we think we're free but we're not really free, right? One of the ways is when we react from impulse or emotion, we just have to have it True freedom versus false freedom. Brenda, do you have any strong response around true freedom or false freedom?

Speaker 2: 3:52

True freedom or false freedom? Oh my goodness. Choice that's what comes to mind is just a choice which, before choice comes awareness, which before choice comes awareness. Before you can make a choice on something, you need to know that you even have a choice, which means you have to have some level of awareness of what's actually happening in front of you, what's the reality in front of you, what are you dealing with? And then curiosity is all part of it. Before you can even get to the choice. I think a lot of people are just kind of walking around feeling victimized, like everyone out there is an asshole and everything sucks because of something external, because of some outside reason. But we really have a lot of choice and all of it. But if you don't know that, if you're not aware that you have choice, then you're really just stuck in that hamster wheel of blaming other people and constantly feeling like you don't have what you want.

Speaker 1: 5:03

Yeah, feeling like you don't have what you want. Yeah, I feel like you don't have what you want. Feel like you can't choose. Right, I always think of freedom for me. Definitely, as a child, you know, I was like I just want to be free. I don't want all these limits these people are giving me or putting on me. But freedom isn't like the absence of a limit, it's the presence of choice. It's like how can we be in the presence of choice? Right, Freedom is when we can make, like Brenda's saying, conscious choices. Right, Align with your values. I would also say that freedom is when we own our impact with love and integrity. Right, Brenda and I meet frequently and one of the things that I wanna make sure is that we're connected. That has an impact not just on us individually. Together and also the podcast.

Speaker 1: 6:04

What are some of the structures that support us in being this way? Awareness, for sure, Like you said before, being able to be clear on oh, this little place over here where somebody cuts me off in traffic and I literally want to stalk them like, drive behind them until they get home, get out of my car and tell them you have to apologize for cutting me off, or something crazy like that. When I think about freedom or lack of freedom, I definitely think road rage, Like how many people lose their minds behind the car Excuse me, behind the wheel of a car, Like it's bananas, just bananas. But think about it. You're in traffic, you're stuck, you're literally not able to drive where you want to go, You're not at the location that you want to get to. You feel all this resistance internally and externally, and then there's an explosion. That is not freedom at all. It's like you wish you could just get out of the car and destroy the other person or destroy their vehicle, and it's really escapism, right? That's not really freedom. Even if you could do whatever you want, there would definitely be consequences. It's not like destroying somebody else's property is okay, right? Like?

Speaker 1: 7:31

Another place where an example that comes to mind is how often do we say yes to just avoid discomfort? And is that freedom? I guess I think you can argue both ways, Like, oh, it's just easier to say yes and do it. But I think that's only true if you're someone that says no often, because the cost of that yes to avoid discomfort isn't such a big deal. But if you're constantly saying yes to avoid discomfort and you're like oh, just what? What does one more yes matter? And like it matters, it really matters, because that yes could be a no and that no, that beginning boundary, is like your first baby step towards freedom in that area. Right, Brenda? Like you're just.

Speaker 2: 8:31

Yeah, baby inching closer. And let's be honest, one yes when you mean no isn't the end of the world, but it can be a slippery slope, kind of like I don't eat cheese and if I start eating a bite of pizza, that's a slippery slope for me. For sure, one time of doing that it's just not a big deal. But if you're at the beginning of your journey or you're somebody who is constantly saying yes and you're not saying no, if you're exhausted all the time and you're fighting with your partner and yelling at your kids and not sleeping at night, you probably have a lot of cortisol in your body, you're probably stressed out, you're probably doing more than what your capacity is and you're probably we can distill this down to many things, but we're talking about yeses and nos. I know for moms who are busy and potentially working outside the house, probably saying yes to a lot more things than you actually have capacity for and it can get really dangerous over time.

Speaker 2: 9:36

One of my teachers used to say two people come home from work at the end of the day. One of them goes to a bar and has a beer, the other one goes to yoga. No big deal, either one. We can have approval for either one right, and that's true. Nothing right or wrong about either one of those choices, but cumulative over time, at the end of a month or at the end of a year, what do you have? If that same person who's getting a beer at the end of the night, where are they in a month or a year, as compared to the person who's going to yoga because they're stressed at the end of the day after a year, where is that person?

Speaker 1: 10:16

It has me think about the compound effect of creating a particular structure that's contributing to you getting stronger in an area to be able to then be more responsible in other places and be more free, versus, like one is you're sort of leaning into a little bit more control and responsibility and the other one is sort of a little bit more of escapism. That's what comes to mind for me.

Speaker 2: 10:45

Exactly, and there's nothing wrong with it. But over time it can really be hard, and I love that you're pointing to structure. I think structure is a really huge part of freedom, and structure built around how you want to live your life is very different than rigid rules that you live by. That's very different. So I have a lot of structure in my life and it's very flexible. It's like when they build skyscrapers they don't build skyscrapers just super solid. They're built to sway with the wind, because if the skyscrapers sway with the wind then they're actually safer that way. And that's kind of how my practices are.

Speaker 2: 11:26

In the morning I have a practice, I have many, and they change over time. I wouldn't say I'm super structured with my practices right now, but I do do some movement and yoga every morning. That to me, is freedom because it just loosens me up. It gets me into my body. I could have my yoga practice be 20 minutes. I could have it be six or seven minutes, depending on my day and what's needed. I could have it be six or seven minutes, depending on my day and what's needed. But it's that time for me to connect with myself and it sets up my day for success. It gets me into my body and I also have a spring cleaning practice. It's a morning call that I do with a friend. We do that four days a week, tuesday through Friday, so that's a lot of structure. The call is basically at 9.15 every morning. And do I always want to get up to do it? No, sometimes I'm like I just want to stay in bed for five more minutes. Mommy, I'm mommy.

Speaker 2: 12:36

I have that 45 minute time in the morning with a friend to, and the call itself has a lot of structure and a lot of flexibility inside of it to release whatever wants to be released, move something, connect with a friend, just move whatever emotions maybe get clear on something, and I always feel better after both of those things. Sometimes I don't want to do the call and I always do the call. It's kind of like well, do I want to go to the gym or not go to the gym? You don't usually go to the gym and then say, wow, that was a mistake. Generally right, you feel better after it. So these structures support us in our life. They're supposed to support us in having the life that we want. And in order for me to show up for my clients, in order for me to show up for my partner and for this podcast, I need to move things through me all the time. I'm like constantly processing emotions, crying, moving, trying to get clear on something, whatever it is, and without those structures in place, the pipes can get clogged.

Speaker 1: 13:44

Yes, I'm thinking about you know something getting backed up because you just haven't had, you don't have the structure in place to address it Right, the structure in place to address it right. So right now we're talking about how, like, avoiding structure completely does not really contribute to true freedom. Avoiding structure completely is sort of self-sabotage, right? Sometimes, when clients are like, oh, I just really like to be in the flow of things, I'm like I get that. I get feeling like what do I want to do? And being a yes to what feels good in this moment. I get wanting to make choices that are aligned with my values or aligned with my desire, line with my desire. The thing is that when we don't have structure I don't know if this is going to be a mic drop, but when we don't have structure, there are high chances of experiencing decision fatigue.

Speaker 1: 14:50

Like, there are certain structures that I have in my life. I have certain co-working sessions that happen every week. I have certain work times that happen every week. I have like a money practice that happens every week. There are things that I check on and I know what day and what time it's happening. I don't have to guess and I don't have to find the time in my schedule to do it and I don't have to find the time in my schedule to do it, and that, to a certain extent, is freedom. Right, just like batch cooking can be freedom. You don't have to think about when you're going to cook in the day, because the food is made for you for the tomorrow, because you handled it during the time that you handled it. Maybe food prep is on Sunday, maybe it's on Monday, maybe it's a different day, but these things that visually can be like, or even conceptually, oh my goodness, why is there so much structure? This is so like it feels like a prison, you know, or it feels so forced or so masculine, potentially like all terms that could be misconstrued in our coaching environment.

Speaker 1: 15:55

But the truth is that avoiding structure completely really leads to decision fatigue. Because if you could decide on some structural pieces that handle the bigger parts of your life, so that your life can hem and haw and sort of go according to plan in the way, and it will be really supportive, as opposed to like the cost of just chasing your pleasure and not having any structure in place to really handle your responsibilities, because, let's be honest, abandoning ourselves is not freedom, right, ever right, like any place where. So why would I have to look at my week every week and decide when I'm going to batch cook, or when I'm going to go to the supermarket, or when I'm going to the gym, or when I'm going to handle my money date? I could just have it in place and then it's thought of and it's handled and it's there and I don't have to make it up as I go.

Speaker 1: 16:54

Now, yes, there will be times when maybe I'm staying with a friend or I'm traveling. There are exceptions to the rule, and if I were doing that, if my exceptions were my daily, I definitely would have decision fatigue. I don't even know what it would feel like by the time I open my closet, because it's like handling all of these balls in the air when it's not really necessary. Not in our day and age, when we have digital calendars. You have physical calendars. We could tell Siri to put it in our calendar. There's just all these places where we could properly really hold ourselves to the highest version of us.

Speaker 2: 17:32

I love that you're saying the exceptions are freedom, and it had me think that the rigidity is a prison, like when we're not flexible. It just feels like a prison and I think that when we build our life with too much of that, it feels confining. I think the whole idea is that building that's swaying a little bit, like there's flexibility inside of it, that building that's swaying a little bit, like there's flexibility inside of it and you can't you can't sleep till noon every day, right, I mean, but the exceptional day where you sleep till noon, that can feel really great. But I slept till 930 one day over the weekend and I had to also get out and wow, that did not feel great at all. So it was like it's like a double bind in a way. It's like the sleeping late felt good, but then it actually just messed up my day and wow, that did not feel great at all. So it was like it's like a double bind in a way. It's like the sleeping late felt good, but then it actually just messed up my day and I felt stressed out for the whole morning trying to do what I needed to do to get out the house, and I don't want to live that way.

Speaker 2: 18:27

So one thing I'm working with right now is a more consistent sleep schedule, like getting up more at the same time every day, which I actually don't do because I'm thinking, oh, I need more structure in my sleep, I need more structure in my sleep schedule so that my days are actually smoother and have more flow, and then I can make that call In full disclosure. My partner and I actually haven't done this call in about a week and I could feel the difference in my body. So I am a big proponent for structures. What structures do you need in your life? What do you want and what would support you?

Speaker 1: 19:17

Totally. I'm hearing you say, like responding to your life, what do you want and what would support you? Totally. I'm hearing you say like, responding to your life, like from a place where you're grounded in your truth. You're talking about, oh, I notice, if I sleep in, it sort of does something to my day. Right, I feel pressure. Or, oh, if I miss my calls, well, I don't feel as cleaned out, I feel somewhat more backed up.

Speaker 1: 19:35

So you're really responding to what's true and you're gaining clarity. Right, you're able to make conscious choices based on your values. Like you're owning the impact of your decisions on yourself, the people you love. Right, you're wanting to be in more integrity. You're saying to yourself I want to make sure that I have a sleep schedule, that I have a certain level of sleep hygiene. I want to implement that because I'm noticing that without it, it's not that my life is unmanageable, it's that it could be better. And being better is what freedom feels like. Right, then I could really enjoy my evening, my morning, I could know that I'm going to wake up rested, et cetera, whatever else that means to you, and you're really able to honor your needs and honor your own limits. Right, and that is freedom being able to say no to staying up late or maybe binging a show because you want to honor where you're at right, rooting yourself and backing yourself, and then in that, you gain so much self-trust, so much approval for where you are right, and I think that's a place where most people thrive. Like you start to see okay, I can see what my life looks like when I am responsible for this. I can see what my life looks like when I'm not. I can see what my life looks like when I have the structure. When I don't have the structure, I can see what my life looks like when I am truly in choice. All right, I'm going to create the structure that supports my desires, because I see how that's favorable. All right, I'm going to really put attention on the things that nourish me, that provide me pleasure. All right, I'm going to really put attention on the things that nourish me, that provide me pleasure. All right, this is great. This is supporting me. I can see the positive impact and just staying connected to ourselves while we're choosing this is so powerful because we don't always do that.

Speaker 1: 21:33

It's so easy to drop it. It's so easy to say I just can't make those calls because I'm so always do that it's so easy to drop it. It's so easy to say I just can't make those calls because I'm so busy this week. I'm just going to stay up late because I really want to watch this show and I had a stressful day today and whatever Tomorrow's another day, I'll figure it out. It's really easy to let these things go.

Speaker 1: 21:50

It's easy to forget what freedom really is and what true freedom is and what false freedom is. It's really our desire that everyone feel into, like, what freedom looks like for you. We're going to go deeper into this, but for now, leaving you with the question of where in your life are you truly free? Where do you have false freedoms? And you don't have to. It doesn't have to be that deep. You could just look at the past few days. Where can I adjust? What's the information that I have Like? How can I gain a little bit more clarity here for myself? If anything that we've said today resonates with you, please send us a message. We love hearing from you.

Speaker 1: 22:44

Bye for now.

Speaker 2: 22:51

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

Speaker 1: 22:54

Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.