93 ~ Loving Without Losing Yourself

What does it mean to love without losing yourself?

Freedom isn't about avoiding responsibility, it's about staying rooted in yourself while loving others fully. When we overextend in small, constant ways, always saying yes, always accommodating, we slowly drift into self-abandonment and codependency.

True freedom begins when we trust others to navigate their own journey. Seeing each person as a divine being capable of growth allows us to step back without guilt. While our desire to help may come from love, it often prevents real resilience from developing.

This shift requires internal work, especially regulating our nervous systems so we can sit with discomfort instead of jumping in to fix. Whether you’re a parent, partner, or healer, freedom grows when you honor boundaries and let others rise in their own time.

Episode Highlights:

• Loving without losing yourself means maintaining boundaries even when you have the capacity to give more
 • Seeing everyone as a "spark of God" creates freedom from needing to control or fix others
 • Nervous system regulation helps us sit with discomfort when witnessing others struggle
 • True freedom comes from trusting that everyone is making the best decisions for their growth
 • Motherhood offers powerful opportunities to practice loving without interference
 • The distinction between helping clients professionally versus loving people personally
 • Giving others space to learn and grow is the greatest gift we can offer them

Join us in this exploration of freedom through relationship and share what resonates with you most from today's episode. Share with us: how do you practice loving without losing yourself? Feel free to rate us and leave us a review.

Chapters

• 1:35 Loving Without Losing Yourself
• 4:34 Seeing Everyone as a Spark of God
• 8:07 Freedom in Surrender and Flow
• 14:20 Motherhood and Letting Go
• 18:37 True Freedom in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student.

Speaker 2: 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked peace. That is often overlooked being responsible for our desire. Welcome back. I am so excited, for today we're going to go down the story hole. So we've been talking about freedom and what is freedom, what's true freedom, what's false freedom, and we want to give you some examples.

Speaker 1: 1:43

One that I resonate with deeply is like loving without losing yourself. I love really hard and I really want to make sure that the people that I love are good and safe. And there was a time in my life when I would just overextend, but it was a tricky, tricky overextend because I have a lot of stamina and ability. So I'm overextending but I'm within my capacity, and it took me some time to figure out that I was not within my capacity. But by the time I could figure it out, I was already too far gone. Let me show you how. So technically, it's like I was loving while losing myself. So that looks like if I was going to meet up with friends, let's say, I could drive the whole way. I don't have to drive halfway. Right, it's not a big deal, but I can do it. So, instead of it being like, maybe so it's an hour and a half drive because I don't mind driving, or maybe it means that I'm the one that's always cooking because I don't mind cooking, or maybe it means that I'm the person that walks to meet you because I don't mind walking, like there are all these things that are within the realm of my ability.

Speaker 1: 2:59

But overall I wasn't looking at how Loving in this way was snipping at my time and space and ability to be with self, and so it was a bit of a little bit of a rabbit hole for me to sort of get myself out of. I didn't know it was happening air quotes until I was already lost, and what I mean by loss is when you love other people and you lose yourself in the process, you become really codependent, and so when those friendships or relationships start to fall apart, you feel a certain heartbreak, almost feels like you'll never be on the other side of it. You'll never be on the other side of it, and I know television makes it sound like that's the way it is, but it's really not that way Like we get to love hard while not abandoning ourselves, not losing ourselves, being able to grieve something if it ends and still be intact, like heartbreak doesn't kill you, but what we have it mean, especially if we've lost ourselves, that is not freedom. I love that Well.

Speaker 2: 4:14

I was going to ask you how do you do that? You gave such a beautiful intro and I'm like genuinely curious how, how Catherine does that? How do you love hard because you really do and also not lose yourself in the process? What does that look like for you?

Speaker 1: 4:34

For me it really looks like, first and foremost, seeing everyone like a spark of God. Spark of God. It's so, so important that I see everyone in my life as capable, as loved by a higher power, so that I understand that there is my business, their business and God's business. It's so important. It's a Byron Katie thing to say, and I'm sort of pointing to her book, but that was the way I learned. I learned like, oh, this really feels important, this is really important in that person's life. I really want to overextend and help them here, but this is really their opportunity and if I do it for them, I in the short term term, help them but in the long term, hurt them, because this is one of the opportunities where they can step up for themselves and learn their lesson.

Speaker 1: 5:36

But the next time that that opportunity shows up, it might be really painful, like 10 times more painful than what I'm trying to save them from right now. Like they're able, they're skilled, like they're a child of God. How can they not? How is this not in the realm of possibility for them? And if it isn't, at what point do they learn? If it isn't, at what point do they learn? And so how can I love them where they are, not overextend myself, not lose myself in wanting to fix something and just have it be? How can I say no, I'll meet you halfway. You meet me halfway, even though I know that for me it's not a big deal? Like how can I implement more of those moments? That was important. That's how I do it, or how I've done it.

Speaker 2: 6:31

That's so beautiful. When you say you love big and you love hard, this is big and hard baby, it really is. I mean wow, it really is. I mean wow, you love so big that you are seeing people as a spark of God first, where you don't need to change their experience, make it better for them, and I know you've done the work with your own system to be able to handle that yourself, to be able to handle somebody else's discomfort.

Speaker 1: 7:11

Yes, I wanted to say that, yes, I have done a lot of regulation around my nervous system, because one of the things where I was not free is if I was seeing someone go through something, I wanted to jump in right. It's like, oh my God, jump in Right. It's like, oh my God, they're drowning. It's like, no, catherine, nobody's drowning, they're human above water. Nobody's drowning, they are fine. And so it's like how can I regulate my own nervous system? How can I be solid and grounded in my person while also witnessing them in whatever mess they're in?

Speaker 2: 7:49

that's some incredible trust and faith in the journey and trust and faith in God. And I would, I would say, and I'm going to ask you this maybe the real freedom and you can confirm or deny is that seeing yourself as a spark of God first. Does that come first? I think what came first is.

Speaker 1: 8:15

This is an interesting question. Thank you, I appreciate this. It's having me think. So it's more of like a chicken, chicken or which one came first, sort of a question. I don't know if I was like, oh, I'm a spark of God.

Speaker 1: 8:31

So it's a few parts, because I think in the past it was just I don't want to rob someone of their experience and in doing that, found so much freedom in letting go of somebody else's outcome and allowing them to be the masters of their life. That's what it looked like a few years back and learning to be and sit with the discomfort. And in the beginning it was like, oh my God, I could see the train wrecks and I had to be uncomfortable with the train wrecks. I'm like, oh, I want to jump in, I want to jump in. It makes me think of double Dutch, when you're just sort of like weaning in and out, wanting to jump in. Not that I know how to double Dutch, but I've seen the women do that and that's how it feels, how they're doing it. It feels that sort of the double-dutch. But now, at this location, where I'm at a different level, where the experience is, I'm really being with what? If everything is perfect. I can't even believe I'm the person that's asking these questions now. I don't. I'm just so proud of the versions of me that came before that I'm even here at this location. But I'm really starting to look at and there's a huge titter, totter, like seesaw action inside of me sometimes where I'm like, oh, I really messed up over there. No, I didn't mess up, it was perfect. Oh, I really messed up over there. No, I didn't mess up, it was perfect. Oh, I really messed up over there. No, I didn't mess up, it was perfect.

Speaker 1: 10:02

Sitting with. What if every decision I've ever made was the best one? And if that's the case, then that's not just the case for me, that's the case for everyone. What if every decision everybody has made is the best one for them, their highest self and their growth? That's one of the newer stages that I've had, one of the newer learnings, lessons, landings that's happened for me, and in that that means that there's this divine intelligence web thread. That's happening. That's way beyond anything my mind could wrap itself around. That's happening. That's way beyond anything my mind could wrap itself around. And if I am living in this amazing intelligence or amazing universe full of all this intelligence, I'm not here alone. So is everybody else. So there's the spark of God, and we're just all chilling in this miraculous world, and so I get to experience miracles, they get to experience miracles.

Speaker 2: 10:59

Everybody gets to experience miracles like that. That's gorgeous. I kind of picture us all at the beach, on the cosmic beach. We're just like chilling and God is up there just sprinkling down the miracle vibes I mean from that place that you describe what. Where I go to from there is who am I to interfere? Who am I to put my will or interrupt somebody's process? That's where I go from there. So thank you for sharing all of that. Let's just take it one step further, because this is so interesting, and if I'm curious, then our listeners must be curious too. We're talking about freedom. So what kind of freedom does that give you in your life and in your relationships, when you are seeing everyone as a spark of God and allowing not even allowing? It's like who are you to even allow? Not even allowing? It's like who are you to even allow? Just seeing every decision and everything that everyone's ever done as the right, best decision, so much approval on the path. What? What freedom does that give you?

Speaker 1: 12:04

oh, my goodness it's. It's sort of like there's so much surrender, there's so much flow, because there's nothing to grip to, there's no gripping, there's no like. Oh, this has to feel or look this way, or this person should be blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like, yes, I have opinions and right now, even though I have opinions, I'm always like and this is my limited mind Like I just don't know Right, because I am in no way my human, is in no way, shape or form, able to compete with somebody's higher self or God. Like they've got this handled. It's as if I'm at a play and someone looks like they're about to fall off the edge of the stage and then all of a sudden, zoop, those zip lines just pulls the person up and it's like here I was in the audience, so worried and they were just so handled and so taken care of, or they fall and because of the fall, the next thing I know there's a zip line there for them.

Speaker 1: 13:15

It's learning that. It doesn't matter that I'm not part of that. Like I get to witness it and love them, whether they fell or they had the secured line. That's my only job. Like it's as if I am an employee and my life or my job just my job title got so much lighter, like the only thing I need to do is just love people. That's it. Like I don't have to figure it out or decide if their life works or doesn't work or any of those things. I get to just witness and be happy for whatever they have.

Speaker 2: 13:57

Thank you so much for sharing that. And just so everyone knows, catherine is in pure glowy smile right now. We're on video because, yeah, we haven't quite figured out how to bring video to you. We're just not there yet. Talk about honoring our capacity. Now that's freedom, right? Thank you for sharing all of that. It's really quite beautiful.

Speaker 2: 14:14

What's coming to me is how I love my adult children now in that particular way. I don't think I had that peace when they were growing up. I had to learn that along the way, which I feel that I really did, and wow, what a difference it makes, because the way the generational pattern goes in my family is, you know, there's a lot of doting and being involved and I think in many families, like micromanaging and controlling and putting your opinion on what you think the kids should do, and gosh, I don't do that at all. I mean that would be really squashing. I really subscribe to this beautiful vision that you're talking about of just trusting that my children and people, my clients I mean I could focus it in on motherhood, because it's actually my most pure example are just living their lives and they have everything they need and trusting that I've given them everything they need and their father has given them everything they need and I've provided everything that I possibly can along the way, which has been my biggest intention at Hope. And now they get to live their lives and honestly, I learned when they were teenagers, when I started my personal development journey oh, the less I interfere, the better it actually is. They have really developed a strong sense of self and they know how to fall and fail, because I haven't shielded them from that, them from that, and that's painful. I think that's really one of the most painful spots as a mother and I would guess as a father as well is seeing your kids falling and hurting, and I think that's why a lot of parents interfere.

Speaker 2: 16:03

But this idea that you're talking about is something that's just so beautiful. It really encourages people to be who they truly are and be the fullest expression of ourselves, which is, I believe, what we all want. We all want that kind of freedom. To me, that's really freedom when I could fully be myself. And then, as a mother, I think that's my greatest role, especially with adult children. Greatest role, especially with adult children how do I show up for them with pure, freaking love and admiration and approval, never interfering with their process. It's quite beautiful, it's really quite beautiful, and they're both successful in their life. It's a beautiful thing to see, when you curate this in your life, in your relationships, that there really is fruit on the other side.

Speaker 2: 17:02

And we think that letting go is scary and people are going to get hurt. We have to save them from themselves. And it's actually not true what you're pointing to. The opposite is actually true. You're actually giving someone the gift of being their true selves, living their true life, learning their life lessons along the way. By not saving them. That's freedom. By not saving them, that's freedom. And it's freedom for you too, because then you get to live your life. How many mothers do I see of adult children who are just still all in their kids' lives? They don't even have their own life. It's a great distraction and it's really a disservice.

Speaker 1: 18:02

And it's really a disservice. It's a disservice to yourself, it's a disservice to your children to not so you said you show up fully, do your best in that way for your children and your clients, and then they can see it modeled, they can see what it looks like, they can see someone taking responsibility. I, too, do the same. One of the things that was coming up for me when you were talking was like oh yes, I do get to exercise the muscle of sharing and guiding right through my work and it's taking me some time to learn to not do that in my private life. Right, there is a learning there. Like there are people that pay us to ask us hey, what's your site? What do you see? And then there are people that are literally not paying and not asking, and that is to be honored. They're not looking to be held, they're not asking for help with their path.

Speaker 1: 19:02

Those people in our life are usually just wanting to be loved and seen for who they are. Not that our clients don't want to be loved and seen they do as well but they are investing their time, their money and they've chosen. Oh, I want you to walk this path with me, which is very different than us injecting ourselves in someone's life, like, hey, this is what I think and this is what I, these are my opinions and this is why my opinions are right, et cetera. That's not it. Versus with our, and even with our clients, we aren't doing that right. We're sort of helping them excavate what they want, helping them come to what's freedom for them, helping them see what are the sticky parts that are happening in their life and how can they have more clarity there. How can they have less guilt and shame, less people pleasing, better boundaries, more clarity. We hold the space for that, for those things to evolve and be seen for them.

Speaker 1: 20:01

But with our loved ones, it's more of you're a loved one, not a client. How do I just love you here, and what a gorgeous thing to give someone. Just love you here, and what a gorgeous thing to give someone. So we started off today talking about, like, how to love someone without losing yourself and how loving someone without losing yourself is true, truly freedom, and we're we're just loving, talking about freedom, and if there's anything in today's episode that resonated with you, we love, we would love to hear from you. This is such a big topic. Everything is relationship, really Relationship to self, relationship to other. Thanks so much for listening. Until next time.

Speaker 2: 20:59

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

Speaker 1: 21:02

Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.