96 ~ How To Ask For What You Want (Without Sabotaging It)

What happens when you ask for something you deeply desire, and it’s met with rejection?

In this episode, Brenda and Catherine explore the art of asking for what we want while staying rooted in self-worth, even when the answer is “no.” Through honest personal stories—from diamond earrings to a fridge full of Pellegrino—they unpack how to hold desire cleanly, without attachment to the outcome.

This is not about getting what you want—it’s about loving that you want it.

They explore the nuances of desire as a personal practice, how to receive both gifts and refusals with grace, and why clear, fresh asking creates freedom. Learn how to stop tying your worth to others' responses and start trusting your desires as worthy in and of themselves.

Highlights:

• Brenda shares a story about wanting diamond earrings and how her husband’s reaction impacted her
• The difference between loving our desire and needing it to be fulfilled
• Why men may feel overwhelmed by certain requests, even if they want to please
• How to receive gifts graciously, even when they miss the mark
• The practice of “asking every time like it’s the first time”
• Taking responsibility for our own desires instead of expecting validation
• How to receive a “no” without making it mean something about your worth
• The freedom that comes from being in approval of your desires

🌺 Stay in love with your desire—regardless of the outcome.
Please like, share, and let us know what resonated most. We love hearing from you.

Chapters

• 0:08 Introduction to Desire is Medicine
• 1:24 Asking for What You Want
• 2:39 Diamond Earrings and Expectations
• 5:36 The Art of Receiving Gifts
• 9:21 Loving the Desire Itself
• 14:28 Your Responsibility in Asking
• 19:41 Asking Like It's the First Time
• 30:55 Closing Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student.

Speaker 2: 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire. Welcome back, hey, brenda. Listeners, family, friends, so excited to meet with you today to talk about desire, Of course, desire as medicine. I want to talk about this specific little corner around asking for what you want, leaning towards what you want. You have a desire, you want to go for it and you're in a relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise, and you ask the person and they respond like shit, brenda.

Speaker 2: 2:04

Oh my God, that's so funny. That is not what I thought you were going to say, but that's true. That's that happens right.

Speaker 1: 2:11

Yes, you ask your boyfriend for something your husband and he's looking at you like you have two heads and you just asked him to be Einstein for a day. Like you ask him for a hug and he's looking at you like you just asked for gold bars. Or you asked him to wash the dishes and he's like why you want me to walk on Mars?

Speaker 2: 2:38

It's so true, oh my God. Okay, the last episode we recorded I was talking about getting divorced, so I'm just going to dive into this one little example from way back when I was married, when I turned 40, I wanted diamond earrings. I'd never even wanted anything like that before, I just didn't care. But I was like I got in my mind that I wanted diamond earrings and I shared it with my husband at the time and he freaked. He was like you want what? He did not respond well, but you know, looking back, he was scared. I think he was scared. He was like oh, what is this huge desire? Can I give it to her? Because I really do believe I'm just going to say men and women. I really believe that men want to give women their desires. They really do. Men want to be in service to us. They want to give us what we want, which is why it's so important for us to be clear on what we want.

Speaker 1: 3:36

Well, do they want to give us what we want, or do they want to win, isn't?

Speaker 2: 3:41

that the same thing.

Speaker 1: 3:42

Yes, but I think that sometimes men give us what we want and they don't win, say more. Sometimes we are not good people to give to. No. Sometimes we ask for the diamond earrings and we're like, oh, thank you, completely not receptive, like we also want to be joyous and ask for what we want. That's a true thing that we want, so that when we get it, the men women in our lives can feel the joy that we have in receiving it, because we really wanted it.

Speaker 2: 4:24

Absolutely. I think that they want that. Yes, and it really is on us there's a lot on us over there A lot of responsibility to say what we want, right, give the adjustments, to be clear on what we want, and then to receive it, to fully receive it. And let's be honest, if it's exactly what you want, it's the exact diamond earrings you want, woohoo, that is easy to receive, right, maybe. But what if it's not? What if it's not the diamond earrings that you wanted? What if there's something else? Then what do you do?

Speaker 1: 5:00

Or it's diamond earrings and you don't like them Exactly, then what? Yes, how do you do? Or it's diamond earrings and you don't like them Exactly, then what? Yes, how do you graciously receive and adjust?

Speaker 2: 5:11

Exactly. I think it's really important to receive the gift you know, to receive the, the, the gesture that somebody gave you this thing, whatever it is, that somebody gave you this thing, whatever it is, and then you can be honest and maybe say I love that you got this for me, honey.

Speaker 1: 5:40

And can we pick out something a little different? I'm thinking of a boyfriend I had who bought me like cupcakes for my birthday, like four different kinds and flavors, and the gesture was sweet. I had not asked for cupcakes, it wasn't a desire, I didn't really ask for anything, which probably had him flailing and trying to figure it out. And it felt so generic to me, like, oh, he must have done this like a million times for other women because it felt like a go-to kind of thing, like something he just does, and I could not receive it at the time, like it was so hard. It was a different time in my life. But I think now, if I were under those same circumstances, I think I'd be like, you know what? Who the hell doesn't like cupcakes? Like, thank you, like. But I was so stuck in my head, my ego of, oh, you know what is this really? Is this really a big thing? Come on, stop it.

Speaker 2: 6:41

That's so funny. I would love to receive a box of cupcakes. That sounds really really good. Well, here's one. So I was dating this guy in San Francisco when I lived there many years ago and I was going there to visit him and he asked me what I would like to eat or drink. And I told him I would love a bottle of Pellegrino, that I loved that, and so he got me the Pellegrino. And then I went back again the next time and he said look in the fridge. I was like, okay, I looked in the fridge. I kid you not, the entire fridge was filled with Pellegrinos, the entire fridge. God bless him. But it's such a beautiful example of how much men want to please us. He knew I loved Pellegrino and he was like I'm going to please this woman, I'm going to give her Pellegrinos forever and how our egos can make stories about it Like is it too many Pellegrinos?

Speaker 1: 7:52

Is it just right Pellegrinos? It's like we can get so wrapped up in the logistics of something that we just can't receive. But I don't want to go too far out, because we started to give examples of things that we've gotten that are funny, which is great. But I want us to go back to when somebody, when we're asking for something, and the person receives our ask like shit, like we've asked them to do something, that is like a contortionist and it can be hard to receive. It's almost like the person said no. I mean, they might as well have said no, because I used to have a boyfriend that used to say I know I get upset and I know I'm uncomfortable, but eventually I do it and I'm like yeah, but first I have to see you receive it. Like shit, like it doesn't feel good.

Speaker 1: 8:43

That was sort of like a sticking point for me. I didn't, I didn't think that what I was asking for was a big deal, and then so by the time he would come around to be able to do the thing, like I already did it. It was done and it happened. Um, but the thing that I've learned since then is if I really want my boyfriend or a girlfriend to do something, how can I stay with it and keep the ask alive as if it's the first time, or be honest with myself of what the ask is? To stay with it, like I have a girlfriend and she listens to this podcast.

Speaker 1: 9:21

So this is, if this is you I say this lovingly and it was we don't spend time together that often and I wanted to go and see a show with her and we had. We've honestly been trying to and we've honestly been trying to create a time to meet maybe three years Easy. She, you know, we would have. Maybe we're going to go see Alicia Keys one time, or we're going to go see this thing on Broadway. It's my birthday, her birthday, my birthday. It was just sort of like a back and forth tennis thing and we finally got to go somewhere this year and it felt so beautiful.

Speaker 1: 10:03

I was so excited to spend this time with her, but I could have easily just given up. How do you suggest it, brenda? How do you stay in the room and continue to ask as if it's the first time, whether in relationship, any relationship, when people are like either yes, we're going to go, this is amazing and they never are available. The days don't work. The this, the that, it's like just a non starter. Or you ask someone for something and they think that they have to do cartwheels and they're like I don't want to do that, that feels like shit.

Speaker 2: 10:42

Okay, now it's getting juicy in here. What you're talking about is how do you hold your desire? How do you hold your own desire in the face of it, maybe not coming to you right away, right. If you want something and you get it right away, well, great, that's wonderful. But not every desire is like that. Sometimes we have bigger desires that may take a while to happen and they might not even ever happen. And then there's desires that you just have to wait for other people. If you're asking somebody else for something, well, they might have feelings about it.

Speaker 2: 11:22

And do you collapse there and say, okay, forget it, I don't want this thing, yeah. Or do you hold your desire? And here's the thing, this is the piece You've got to love the desire itself. You love the desire, you love the desire. So I wanted to not only have the diamond earrings, but love my desire for the diamond earrings. And if I fall in love with my own desire and I just love the fact that I want this and I could have that in my body and just be an approval that I want this thing, that may or may not manifest, that's freedom, because then I'm loving the desire, I'm in enjoyment and pleasure of my own desire, which is completely unattached to the manifestation of it completely unattached to the manifestation of it.

Speaker 1: 12:25

Okay For myself and everybody else that's in the back. What is the opposite of loving your desire?

Speaker 1: 12:29

Because I love how you said it. I just want to love my desire, love the earrings, and if I love the earrings, she's cracking up. If I love the earrings, then I just love loving the earrings and I'm just in the love of the earrings she's cracking up. If I love the earrings, then I just love loving the earrings and I'm just in the love of the earrings. Okay, now come back. Come back and talk to me. Feed my Capricorn. I'm like I have so many questions. What are you talking about?

Speaker 2: 12:54

Oh, my God, I'm cracking up right now.

Speaker 1: 12:57

Okay.

Speaker 2: 12:57

I did. I did ham that up a little bit, but it's also really true. And this is foreign, because we're not used to loving the desire itself. We're used to loving the thing that we want and the manifestation, and we have to have it. So what does that look like? Well, years ago, different boyfriend years ago, different boyfriend.

Speaker 1: 13:23

Well, hang on, hang on, let's stay on the earrings so that I can know. Okay, so the new way would be just loving the earrings and just loving that I have the desire for the earrings. That's the new way. What was the old way like?

Speaker 2: 13:36

The old way is I want this thing. I wasn't in the loving of the desire at that point. Here's the thing At that point, when I was turning 40, and I was on the verge of wanting a divorce, like something was happening inside of me here and I didn't know what the heck was happening. I said to myself if he doesn't buy me these diamond earrings, I'm fucking out of here. If he doesn't buy me these diamond earrings, I'm fucking out of here. I was like I'm going to leave this 20 year marriage If this man does not buy me these earrings. Okay, is that rational? No, but it was a real feeling.

Speaker 1: 14:14

But it's a real thing?

Speaker 2: 14:15

Yeah, it was. It was very black and white. It was like very clear in here. It was like, if he doesn't buy me these earrings, I'm done.

Speaker 1: 14:24

I think that's what's not being said when we talk about loving the earrings or loving the desire for the earrings. That it's like I love the outcome of the earrings and if I don't have the outcome of the earrings, well, there's a consequence Exactly you, my friend, will pay. Whoever the friend is, whether it's a friend, romantic partner you're going to pay for not giving me the thing that I want, and I think that's normal. I think that's what women do.

Speaker 1: 14:52

I think that's mostly what women do If you don't give me what I want, you're going to pay and we withdraw our love, we withdraw our sex, we withdraw our attention, whatever it is if we don't get what we want, if we were to slow down because originally we were talking about how we're asking for something that we want, and it feels really crappy when they don't give it to us, right, like if we were just to bring it. It makes sense, like we want these MFs to pay because they didn't give us what we wanted, and it's like you will now do a little bit of prison time and the prison. Maybe you don't have sex or I'm not talking to you. You're going through the silent treatment or whatever else. Whatever else I'm going to put you through because I had to live through the discomfort of not getting what I wanted and there is a consequence there is hell to pay.

Speaker 1: 15:50

I mean that is one way yeah, go ahead. No, no. We could keep hashing this out. I think, ultimately, what I want this episode to point to is that it's hard to not get what we want. It is yeah.

Speaker 2: 16:07

It is hard and we're upset. Yes, it's disappointing, for whatever reason and whatever you make it mean. Yeah Right, what did I make it mean if my husband at the time didn't buy me these earrings? Well, so much that earrings Clearly, clearly. But, and that's how it felt at the time, and I do want to give a contrasting example because I think it's important.

Speaker 2: 16:33

So years later and I had to learn this, because back then it was like if you don't get me this thing, I'm out of here, which is literally ridiculous for a 20 year marriage right, but it was there were other, deeper things obviously going on. So years later, when I was on a path of following desire, following pleasure, living life more authentically, I had a boyfriend at the time and I sent him a desire list and one of the things that I really wanted was this perfume. I really wanted this one particular perfume. I loved it and he said I want to get you this perfume. I was like, oh my God, this is so great. He couldn't find it anywhere. And I said, oh, you have to order it online. You can only get it online. So he would research it and research it.

Speaker 2: 17:23

Now, meanwhile, he really wanted to get me this perfume, but I didn't get involved in the how he was going to get it or the if, because I knew that you had to order it online and I knew it was hard to find. But he loved to research stuff. So he just did it on his own, but I didn't get involved in any of that. And he would come back and he would say I found it online. Wow, that was really expensive. And I didn't collapse there, I was like, yeah it is, it's kind of pricey. And I just stayed radiant, stayed magnetic, did not get disappointed in his frustration of trying to find this thing, because he really wanted to please me. It took a long time. He would come back every few weeks and just give me a report on the find it, him trying to locate this perfume. And then a fast forward, a couple of months, it was my birthday and he handed me a box and I knew exactly what it was. I knew it was that perfume and it was, and I was so happy to receive it and he was so happy to give it to me. But in that whole time, the frustration of how do I get it and how much money is it, does he want to do it and is he going to do it None of that was any of my business.

Speaker 2: 18:46

None of that was any of my business. My only job was to love my desire and approve of my desire and enjoy the desire itself. Oh, brenda really wants and would love this beautiful perfume. I love that, I want this perfume and I didn't make it mean anything, if anything. I was just turned on by the fact that he wanted to get it for me and was researching how to do it. So if you look at those two examples, they're really quite different and I had to learn that. I had to learn not to get attached to the thing that I wanted and to ask for it cleanly and lovingly and stay radiant and magnetic and also not make him pay if he didn't give it to me. He felt my approval and love.

Speaker 1: 19:32

Such a great example. That's really the part. It's if we were to look at it from the area or the drone view of steps. It's like first step, we have to get clear of what we want. I love that you sent him a desire list and, for anyone that's listening, we actually have a toolbox on how you can write a desire list. You have to feel into your desire, feel into what would make please you what you want, ask for it and you may get a response that rubs on you in some way and that's our work. I know, I know, I know You're probably like damn it, catherine. I want it to be his work. I want him to hear my desire and just want to give it to me. It's possible.

Speaker 1: 20:28

But one of the things that Brenda didn't mention in her two examples, as we talked about earrings and perfume, she does kind of lean and say, oh, that was years of work, but it's how to get clean, and clean just basically means there's no residue. So she's not going to murder him if he doesn't buy the perfume or if he just doesn't get it. She doesn't withhold love or attention or make him wrong because she didn't get what she wanted, because the truth is that if we have, we're in partnership in any sort of relationship. This could be romantic or otherwise. We're always in relationship. It's continuous, it's always happening.

Speaker 1: 21:14

So we're not going to ask just for one thing. We're probably going to ask for many things. And how do we stay conscious when it's not well-received and how do we feel into? Ooh, that hurt, what was that that it touched? And how do I clean it on my side so that the next time I ask there's no residue? And I know, I know, I know you're probably going to say I said it in the sweetest way and with the sweetest voice and I was wearing the most gorgeous dress, but there's an energetic that men feel. That is undeniable, and so there's that. That's gorgeous.

Speaker 2: 21:55

So two things that I want to add to that. First of all, I love that you said clean. That's very important. That was a really important piece that was not in the diamond example. I was like, if you don't get this for me, I'm done. And the other one I just had so much love and approval for him, even wanting to get the perfume, regardless of whether I had it or not. Two things I want to say.

Speaker 2: 22:17

One it takes an enormous amount of responsibility to hold your desire. It's on us to do it. It's our desire. It's easy to pass the hot potato to somebody else, but even if your partner or somebody else wants to give you your desire, it's still your desire. You're responsible for holding it. That's why we have to love our desires and we have to be right with our desires. We have to be right with wanting things. We have to be right with wanting more.

Speaker 2: 22:53

And if we're in approval of that, if we're in approval of I am a woman who has desires and you're willing to hold the weight of that, that's a very different path. And look than collapsing because your man is like, oh boy, that's expensive, right, give him a chance to get it for you. Give anyone a chance, whether it's someone in your family or your partner, your kids, whatever. Give the person a chance to work it through and get this thing for you. And that takes you to hold it, because if you say, okay, nevermind, I don't want that thing, you're just going to be resentful.

Speaker 2: 23:42

So that's one thing that I want to say is, holding the weight of responsibility is yours. And the other thing this is the thing with men that I've realized you have to ask them a lot of times for things. You can't just say I want this thing and then think they're going to hear you and get it. Well, maybe that's the case sometimes, but for the bigger things, or the things that might have a little bit of a rub, you might have to ask many times. You might have to share your desire many times for a particular thing I'm going to give you an example what if you were going to ask this?

Speaker 1: 24:16

might be hard to do, but let's try. I had somebody talk to me about this client the other day. You go to ask your boyfriend for, like can you hold me? And he's like, oh, what's wrong? And my response I'm curious to hear what comes up for you Instead of for me.

Speaker 1: 24:32

If that were me, I wouldn't be so activated that he's like oh, what's wrong? I would be thinking to myself what has happened where I've trained him that something is wrong if I ask for this? And how do I change that so that nothing has to be wrong? It's just something I want, right. Like I just. I could respond and say I just love it when you hug me, I love being in your arms, I just love being in your embrace, nothing's wrong.

Speaker 1: 25:06

Or if something is wrong, me saying actually everything that's wrong can be fixed just with you, your hug. If that's really what I'm looking for, right. But if I take it to mean, oh, you don't want to hold me and I ask for you to hold me, that means you don't love me, or that means you don't want to hug me, or that means that you're not available to. Or if I give it any sort of charge. How hard is it for me to just love that I want to hug, like, wow, I'm a human being that has needs. I'm using Brenda's speech now, loving that I want to hug. If I were to use my terminology, I would just say how can I be in approval of what I'm looking for? And that it's completely human and normal to ask. It's a completely normal ask. There's nothing out of the ordinary in my ask and this person can say no, right, that's a valid answer. And if they say no, I get to say is that not right now or no forever, like I get to be in communication and understanding of what's unfolding with the hug.

Speaker 2: 26:22

That's a really gorgeous example. I love the fact that you brought up is this a no forever, or is this a no right now? Like, do you never want to hug me again?

Speaker 1: 26:31

Yes, I'm like. Well, what are we talking about here? Is there any kind of negotiation Like what are we talking about?

Speaker 2: 26:38

I think it's a great question Like oh, when can you do it? Maybe later, maybe the person's just not available right now. I think that's a really important distinction, because somebody might not be available right now for something, but maybe in an hour they are, and then inevitably, if they're not available for it, well, how do you take care of yourself right there? And the other thing that I want to bring up as far as this topic is asking every time it's the first time, oh my God, it's such a big one and it's hard, it's so hard.

Speaker 1: 27:16

It takes so much practice.

Speaker 2: 27:18

I've been practicing this one for years, like over a decade. People Asking every time, like it's the first time, almost like asking somebody if they would like a cup of tea. Would you like a cup of tea? Would you like a cup of tea? You wouldn't get resentful over a cup of tea, right?

Speaker 1: 27:38

You're like do you want tea now? Yo bitch, do you want some tea? Come on now. You know you want tea. Don't tell me you don't want the tea, but we don't do that with a cup of tea, right?

Speaker 2: 27:49

No, but it's a great example and it's a good place to practice just asking every single time like it's the first time. And that is a great one to work with, with your partner and with children. Asking every time like it's the first time, Because people don't hear it the first time. They might not hear it. You might say I said it as plain as day, I was so clear, but they don't always hear it. And so if you think somebody doesn't hear your desire, do you crumble and do you drop your desire? Or are you willing to hold the weight of it and be an approval of oh, you have this desire and just ask again? You can ask again later. Will you hold me? Or maybe tomorrow is a different day. We are literally different people every day. So what's not available today is available tomorrow. But I think it's very easy to get our feelings hurt, find our desire wrong and then cut ourselves off, and then we don't get what we want and then we end up resentful at our partner.

Speaker 1: 28:57

It's not a good look. It really isn't. Resentful, is horrendous. To be resentful towards our partners or friends because they didn't give us what we wanted or we didn't get what we wanted in the way that we wanted it. It all is not cool I get, and the only way to not be there, I mean it's bad enough that maybe somebody doesn't want to give it to us. Like that part in itself is outside of our control. But we get to be with and put attention on Ooh, why was that such a big ouch? Oh, what part of my needs or conditioning did that hit? Oh, what did I have? That mean when I didn't get it from someone? And how can I practice asking for it as if it's the first time? How can I remove the charge here? Like, where is my work here? What is the most up that I could put my attention on? Truly, it's big work.

Speaker 1: 30:04

Brenda, thank you so much for diving in and giving such juicy examples. Thank you, listeners for listening. We really hope that this episode touched something in you and really want to encourage you to ask us if it's the first time. I really want to encourage you, we really want to encourage you to not have or make not getting something mean something and, of course, if it's continuous, then you reevaluate in whatever way you see fit. But please practice, because this is going to be a lifelong lesson, always asking as if it's the first time and not taking their reaction to mean something about us, about you. Know your worth, now and always. That's it for today. Bye, for now.

Speaker 2: 31:02

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

Speaker 1: 31:06

Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.