104 ~ Reclaiming Your Turn-On: Why Desire Fluctuates and How to Keep It Alive

What happens to our sex lives when we actively practice desire? Everything changes. When we approach desire as a spiritual practice, our relationship with sex shifts from reactive and conditional to conscious and self-responsible.

Brenda and Catherine explore how this transformation unfolds, moving beyond old patterns, like withholding sex during conflicts or expecting partners to manage our arousal, and toward a more empowered, pleasure-led way of relating. They share personal experiences of letting go of outdated scripts, like believing we should always want sex if we love someone, or that desire disappearing signals a relationship problem.

Instead, they offer a compassionate view: sexual desire naturally ebbs and flows, and those shifts can be met with curiosity, communication, and creativity. From navigating life changes like new motherhood to finding new ways to connect physically, the focus becomes honoring what’s real in the moment.

A key insight is that turn-on is our own responsibility. This reframes sexuality from something dependent on others to a deeply personal practice of self-awareness and self-expression. By tending to the things that make us feel alive—rest, play, creativity, and meaningful connection—sexual desire becomes a natural extension of a well-fed life.

Episode Highlights:
• Recognizing that sexual desire naturally fluctuates and having approval for yourself when it changes
• Communicating what you want sexually, even when it’s different from yesterday
• Why women sometimes “forget how much they like sex” and how to reconnect with that knowledge
• Moving beyond patterns of withholding sex during relationship conflicts
• Taking responsibility for your own turn-on rather than expecting your partner to create it
• Navigating challenging periods like new motherhood with honest communication
• The importance of being “well-fed” in all aspects of life to sustain sexual desire
• Shifting from externally-oriented to internally-oriented sexuality

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Chapters

• 1:42 Sex Before Studying Desire
• 6:31 When Desire Goes Flat
• 11:17 Communication Is Key
• 17:46 Taking Responsibility for Turn-On
• 23:44 Being Turned On in Life
• 27:14 Closing Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student.

Speaker 2: 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire. Welcome back listeners, family, friends. Thank you so much for listening and taking some time out to welcome Brenda and I on another episode of Desire as Medicine. Desire such a big topic. Desire Such a big topic, so big that we have over 100 episodes just on desire. It's so wild.

Speaker 1: 1:48

Right here is this thing that's somewhat benign, where you think about it like goal setting. It's something that you feel in your body, and yet we've talked about it from all different sides of the coin and we're continuing to do so. Today we're talking about desire and sex. There are so many ways to discuss sex, of course, just as there are so many ways to discuss desire. We're going to talk about it today from the perspective of how does sex look different before you practice desire or study desire, and how does sex look after you practice desire specifically? And one of the little locations that we'll be looking at is what it has meant for either one of us around loss of desire for sex, and we're not looking to create any problems. We're looking at this with tons of love and compassion and hopefully, if you fall in any of these places, you can also dose yourself with a lot of love. Brenda, what was your desire for sex before? What was it like before you started practicing desire?

Speaker 2: 3:11

This is a great question and such a good topic. My desire for sex was very responsive and, I would say, conditional, before I started on this path of studying pleasure and desire, embodiment, truth, all of that. It was very responsive. It was like, oh, I'm in the mood, or I'm not in the mood, or met someone new and things are hot and heavy about I just thought that's the way. It was Like, oh, you just want to have sex all the time, or you're just not in the mood, or you get into a fight, something happens and that's what kind of interrupts the desire for sex. Or sometimes you just get full right Like you've satisfied that itch so much.

Speaker 2: 3:58

But it wasn't something that I really thought about. I just thought, oh, if I'm with someone and I love them, then I should want to have sex with them, and if I don't, then it's a problem. And so that created a lot of problems, because none of that is really true. We go through cycles, our body is always changing as a woman, and what we wanted yesterday we don't want today. And in the past I definitely made that a problem, or found my partner wrong, or found the whole relationship wrong, or thought I needed a different partner instead of really examining what was happening inside of me.

Speaker 1: 4:43

Well, I love that you brought into the conversation that we change and something that we liked yesterday like we don't like today, and your partner can easily look at you and say, but you liked it yesterday and you're like, yeah, I didn't like it today, and how to have approval for that? I think it's a lot easier to have approval for that when you know, oh, this is completely normal, like it's completely normal to enjoy this activity or sex in this way for this long, and then all of a sudden want something different, or this doesn't necessarily satisfy me in the same way as it did yesterday, and that's okay, there's nothing wrong, this is not a problem. What I need is to just be able to describe and communicate what I do want. That's what's most important.

Speaker 2: 5:33

That's the hardest part. I think that's where we get tripped up and I think that's where I used to get tripped up. I just thought this was something that, like your body did and you just kind of it just kind of went on its own. I was like, what I need to say, what I want? I need to be responsible for this. I mean, those weren't words that I used in the past, but wow, that's really a lot.

Speaker 2: 5:56

That's a hard thing for most women to do is to say what you want and then also, that piece of what worked yesterday doesn't work today is sometimes confusing to us as women, let alone be in approval of that and then communicate it to your partner and we do change. I told the story a couple of episodes ago about the Pellegrino that I was dating someone and he asked me what I wanted. And I said, oh, I the Pellegrino that I was dating someone. And you know, he asked me what I wanted and I said, oh, I love Pellegrino.

Speaker 2: 6:28

And the next time I went there, the entire fridge was filled with bottles of Pellegrino, right, well, it's up to us to tell our partners what we want, and then it's also up to us to tell our partners. I've had enough, I'm full, thank you, thank you so much, and now I would like sparkling grape juice or whatever. We have to be aware of that. We have to be in approval that what we want changes, and that's kind of the fun part of being a woman. Let's be real, and it can be complex and confusing because we have to understand it and then communicate it.

Speaker 1: 7:02

I love how you say the fun part of being a woman. It is definitely not in the owner's manual. Society tends to look at us as complicated. Or she must be on her period, or she must be in a mood, or some version of that, some version of that, and I think we contribute to it by not being an approval of. Oh, this changed for me, and that's okay. Nobody died, like there's no grief here. I just want something different and that's okay. Like I can ask for the new thing.

Speaker 2: 7:43

Totally, and it's like getting to know yourself so well that you could actually give your partner an owner's manual about yourself. Right and ideally. This takes time to build. Which is the joy of having a longer relationship is that you can tell your partner what you want and how you work, and then they can give it to you or at least do their best or at least understand how you tick.

Speaker 1: 8:13

Well, the hope is that, if you are in a long-term partnership, that you have been practicing along the way, having this then be easier than a new partner, because you have had more conversations and you've had more reps around this particular cycle of uh-oh, my desire changed Totally.

Speaker 2: 8:33

I don't always find it easier in a long-term relationship to say the things that I want. It really depends. Sometimes it is really easy, to our point from two minutes ago. Sometimes it's really easy and sometimes I'm like I feel like choked up, I'm like I can't get it out. Sometimes it's just so vulnerable, so vulnerable to say what we want. Somebody finds it wrong or like why do you want that? Society definitely does that. You're selfish. Why do you want that? Oh, you had that yesterday and now you want more. Like we don't really award desire in that way.

Speaker 1: 9:35

No, it's like why do you want that? You don't need it. Like, why do you need that? It's fine, you can do without it. It's luxurious or opulent or abundant, Like you don't need that. And so we're looking at this from the perspective of having approval for our changing desires. And let's talk about what happens when our desire for sex goes flat.

Speaker 2: 10:11

And specifically, let's talk about how you looked at it going flat before studying desire. I would think something's wrong. Something's wrong. Well, I didn't really think something was wrong with me. I thought something was maybe wrong with him or the relationship it was, and it was in a way, responsive. It was like, oh, we got into a fight or he did something that disgusted me or I didn't like the way he said X, y, z, and now I don't want to have sex and that really would throw me off. So I was in confusion, I was in blame, I would shut down, I didn't quite know how to communicate those things or call a girlfriend.

Speaker 2: 10:57

Or when I called a girlfriend back then, it was a lot of colluding because we just as women generally in our society, I think want to find men wrong and we want to find ourselves right. I mean, we want to be right, right. So it was a lot of finding it wrong and thinking there was a problem instead of just accepting it as part of life. Just part of life. We're not going to be like horny and wanting sex all the time. Who would do the dishes? How would we eat? How would we get the kids to soccer. Practice Like this isn't just the way our bodies and life works. I love that.

Speaker 1: 11:39

Who would do the dishes For me. There was a time when I was probably moving too fast, had too many things happening and I felt like, oh my God, sex is another thing on my to-do list, even though we both are talking about examples where we had already been having sex and we knew the pleasures of it, and still it was like, ah, either you did something, I'm mad at you or I have so much to do. Do I really want to do this? Like, if I do this, this is gonna take an hour or two hours out of my day and I have all these other things on here. This is sort of like our take on it.

Speaker 1: 12:20

When we were pre-studying desire, I want to say and so for me, I was annoyed. For sure, I wasn't necessarily withholding sex because something had gone wrong with us that wasn't necessarily my MO, but if I had too much, it was really hard for me to drop in and reconnect with myself, and that was the hurdle at that time. But then, after Desire, after studying Desire, I think this changes right. So what happened for you when you started to practice and feel into what you like, what you want, like? How did those things change for you?

Speaker 2: 12:57

You know, I just need to go back a little micro step, because you brought up a really great point that I really need to speak to, which is it felt like something else to do on my to-do list. That is a really big spot for women, and if you're working, if you're married, if you have children, whatever it is, we can get really busy and it can feel like a chore, even if we know that we like sex. Somebody said to me once women forget how much they like sex, and I think that there is a truth to that, that men don't forget but women forget. I definitely can forget, but what I want to say is being a new mom oh my goodness, talk about no desire for sex.

Speaker 2: 13:38

Your body had just went through this big transition. You're breastfeeding I was breastfeeding You're holding a baby all day long. You're not necessarily getting out, you're not necessarily looking your best, you're not really feeling sexy, and it feels like something to do. It feels like a chore and that can be really confusing and really hard to communicate and really hard for your partner to understand, especially if you don't know how to communicate it. Well, I'm just going to talk heteronormatively. Men need other men. When a woman has a baby. Her man needs other men to go to. He needs other resources to go to, not just you, so that we can talk about these things in community, because otherwise it's very, very confusing.

Speaker 1: 14:36

You said you know you don't know how to communicate that. Well, I mean, how would you communicate it now with the that? Well, I mean, how would you communicate it now with the information you have? Like, how do you communicate that? Well, you just had a baby? You don't feel like it. Do you have any tips there?

Speaker 2: 14:50

Well, that's a great question. First of all, just having more awareness about my body and just being able to communicate that which starts way before you had a baby.

Speaker 1: 15:00

This is not what I was right. That's what I was thinking. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 15:03

Yeah Well, you're 100% correct. It starts and this could be translated to anything like starting a new job or having any big change in life it starts way before. This is why we practice, so that when it's time for the game, we know how to act. But there's also so many other options on the table besides sex, besides penetrative sex.

Speaker 1: 15:28

Yes, I was just kind of pointing to specifically you said. Well, I didn't assert we don't always have the tools there and I'm going. Well, even with tools, this is probably a really difficult conversation. But to your point yes, even with tools, this is probably a really difficult conversation. But to your point yes, if we do start having this conversation way before baby's, even in the room, then it's so much easier. Hey, I've heard that this can happen to women. I'm really afraid that this happens to me and if this happens to me, what the impact is on our relationship? Like, is there something that we can set? Like, can we have a spelunker? Can we have some kind of guardrail? Can we bring something into the relationship and relating with one another around sex when there is a newborn and I am feeling like I haven't showered, like how do we? And sex isn't top of mind for a new mom?

Speaker 2: 16:14

No, it's really not. And exactly to your point. I think the communication is really most important thing. And then, really talking about it, you might not know this before you have your first needs met without having sensual or penetrative sex? You can cuddle, you can touch each other. There's so much that you can talk about. What are your desires? We all have different needs and a lot of people really do have the need for physical touch. Sometimes the only way that that's met is through sex. Well, this is a great opportunity to explore what else is available. How can we meet this need for connection, for skin-to-skin contact? You know, to feel good and close without sex, and just having that conversation and kind of bearing your heart in that way touches on that really deep spot of connection that we're really looking for.

Speaker 1: 17:25

Yeah, Thank you for that, thank you for circling back, and now I'm going to go back to you and ask you the same question, because you didn't answer that one. You took me all the way back to babies and mamas and sex, no sex. So we are talking about how do you see or feel into your desire for no sex now that you have studied desire? It's a really good question.

Speaker 2: 17:56

I think it's just having approval for the process. I mean, sometimes I just don't have a desire for sex. I am in a long-term relationship and it just happens, and I've learned to not turn away from my partner when that happens. I've learned to turn in and just name it, just say, oh, I'm not really feeling like having sex today or this week, or oh, I haven't really been in the mood lately. Just saying that kind of melts the room in a way, you know, because I think men can get scared, especially if they have a history of not getting the sex that they want.

Speaker 2: 18:35

Whatever it is like that has come up in my relationship, just me being loving and kind and thoughtful and saying, oh, let's snuggle, or just having connection in a different way. So for me, the ultimate that I'm pointing to is communicating it and just being in approval of it myself. And I'm going to keep going back to it, because when we're in approval of something ourselves and I say, okay, this isn't a problem, I'm just maybe not in the mood or I'm busy, or right now we actually do have a lot of family things going on and it's has been a little crunchy sometimes and I haven't really been in the mood. So communicating that and being in approval is for me really huge, because that is what moves the needle, and then also noticing when I do have the spark of desire acting on that. And sometimes it's not loud Like I think it really used to be very loud, and sometimes it's just quieter these days, and that's okay too.

Speaker 1: 19:42

I think that's something to bring into the room. I do think that we have seasons, especially as we age as women, that sex and desire begins to change shape and form and you're not just like horny all the time, wet all the time, ready all the time, and communicating that, I think, is really important for sure, like bringing connection and that your partner knows exactly what's occurring with you and your body, so that you're connected over it and that it doesn't feel like you're in your camp over there and they're in their camp over there and there's no connection.

Speaker 1: 20:17

It's either you are or aren't having sex. It doesn't have to be that way. It could be whether we are or we aren't, we are connected and I know what's happening to my partner, especially in the realm of turn on. Like is my partner turned on? What are the other options on the table? If one of us is not really like in the mood, does that mean that we get in the mood or not? Are we ready to just put the kibosh on this or something else?

Speaker 1: 20:44

One of the things that Brenda and I talk about often. I don't think we've had a podcast on this often. I don't think we've had a podcast on this. But we are responsible for our own turn on and I think before Desire, I was kind of lazy, so I would say that I when I say lazy, I mean I only wanted to date people that I was turned on with or by. I didn't necessarily have to or want to work on that, but because I feel that chemistry is a very undertapped resource, but we are responsible for it and if something's in the way of our turn on, it's our responsibility to bring it to our partners. If something's in the way of our turn on because of circumstance.

Speaker 1: 21:28

I think it's also our responsibility to share that Amen, it's really true, yeah, I mean when we're thinking about our turn on, when we're thinking about it's our partners, like they didn't do it like this or they didn't do it like that, or we've been out in the sun all day, or why are you annoying me with X, y or Z? We, as women, we can become punishing and want to withhold sex, or like you don't deserve it because you did da, da, da, da, and we're not thinking about how does the phrase go.

Speaker 1: 21:59

I'm cutting my nose to spite my face, like I am taking away pleasure from my partner, but it's also mine, oh my God.

Speaker 2: 22:09

The punishing pattern. Oh my God, that is so rewarded in our society as well. You withhold your sex. You punish him with it. Oh my God, I definitely did not mention that on the before side. That was definitely something that I did. It was a commodity, it was like more commerce, right when now we're taking responsibility for our turn on. We're taking responsibility for our life. Sometimes, when you're having a conflict with your partner or things just aren't, you know, going smoothly, you could just have sex, you can fuck it out. That moves the energy, you know. But if you withhold it, then you're not tapping into that resource because your turn on. Your sexuality, your sensuality, is a resource and you can use it. But if you're holding it as a commodity and putting it up and withholding it from your partner, you're also withholding it from yourself. I don't think that we think about that so much.

Speaker 1: 23:13

No, I don't think we think about it. But there are tons of things around sex that we don't think about Like so our turn on should really be our responsibility. Like am I resourced enough? Do I need a babysitter? Do I need a housekeeper? Yes, these might be luxuries to have. It may not be on everybody's. I can list, but it does help. Like having solid assist helps on like lower and diminish your to-dos on your to-do list. If you have tons of responsibility, bringing outside help to help with certain chores is going to help your to-do list dwindle.

Speaker 1: 23:55

So sometimes we're responsible for our turn on, for just being resourced or chores in the house. Or maybe it means that we're not working those extra hours, we're not doing the overtime. Maybe it means we're not working weekends. Maybe it means we're taking a day off so that we can be with our spouses, we're doing something so that we have our time with them. So our turn on is really our responsibility. It's not up to them to make us in the mood.

Speaker 1: 24:23

Also, whenever we withhold, like you said, brenda, we're withholding from ourselves as well. It's very bizarre, but we do do that. Society applauds that and we are much better as women when we're well-fed sexually. It just is a truth. And I'm not saying that we have to have unconditional sex or that we have to have sex out of partnership. I just mean, let's be honest, usually well-fed women are better off and that just is like it's part of and I would say men too, like anybody who's sexually fed is better off. But it is our responsibility to look at if there are circumstances that are in the way that are making it difficult for us to be turned on, that we address them, that we communicate it with our partners, because it's our responsibility to say the thing Amen.

Speaker 2: 25:13

This is such a huge myth in our world that somebody else is responsible for our turn on. It's really the biggest difference of before and after is being externally oriented, like oh, I'm turned on by X, y, z, as opposed to being internally oriented and really attuning. Like you said so beautifully before what do I need? What do I need to give myself so I feel resourced in life? How can I take care of myself in all the ways so that I feel juicy and fulfilled and turned on? And I don't mean turned on in a sexual sense, I mean turned on in life, like turned on in life. Are you pursuing projects that you like? Do you like your job? Are you having fun times? Are you getting good sleep? Are you going to see that movie? Are you going to get that steak that you want? What is it that you want in your life? What are some of the littler desires? Are you giving them to yourself so that you feel fulfilled and you're coming to the table like a well-fed, juicy woman? Amen, I love that.

Speaker 1: 26:26

Thank you so much for saying that so beautifully. Amen, I love that. Thank you so much for saying that so beautifully, absolutely. I think the thing that we're really touching here is that, as women who have studied desire, the difference for sex and life before was well, maybe something's wrong with me, or what is this person doing or not doing, as opposed to after studying desire, really seeing how responsible we are like, really seeing all the places where it's our responsibility Ultimately, seeing that our internal world, we are responsible for that, whether it's turn on for sex or just turn on for life. That it is and it falls underneath our own responsibility, and if it's not there, then by God, we need to go get it and make it happen. With that, I want to say if you loved this episode, follow, like, share, leave a review on Apple Podcasts, thank you very much, and send us a screenshot Until next time.

Speaker 1: 27:33

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.