105 ~ Responsibility and Desire: The Link No One Talks About

Responsibility might seem like the buzzkill of desire, but what if it’s actually the key to deep fulfillment? Brenda and Catherine challenge the fantasy that our wants should simply appear without effort. Instead, they explore how taking ownership of our desires creates the fertile ground for them to flourish—both within ourselves and in our relationships.

They discuss the natural seasons of desire and how what we want changes over time, requiring different kinds of attention and action. Brenda shares her current journey toward homeownership as an example of holding space for a big desire even when the path forward isn’t clear. Catherine reflects on her younger self who avoided window shopping because wanting felt too painful, showing how our relationship with desire can evolve as we grow.

The conversation turns to sexual responsibility, revealing how true freedom comes from creating safety. They encourage listeners to consider the lasting impact of their choices, especially when those choices involve creating life with another person. As Brenda notes from personal experience, “We are no longer married and we are in it for life,” reminding us that some connections are permanent through our children.

Whether you’re reconnecting with a dormant desire, reassessing your priorities, or trying to understand why certain wants feel so urgent, this episode offers compassionate guidance. The magic happens when responsibility and desire work together—not as limitation, but as the foundation for true freedom.

Episode Highlights
• Taking responsibility for desires rather than turning away when they feel out of reach
• Using discernment to prioritize what matters most in your current season of life
• How “window shopping” for desires helps you become the person who can receive them
• Reconnecting with desire by identifying what works best for you—stillness for some, movement for others
• How sexual responsibility creates the safety that leads to more freedom and pleasure
• Making choices with awareness of their potential lifelong consequences
• Navigating co-parenting relationships that continue beyond divorce

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Chapters

• 1:42 Responsibility for Our Desires
• 4:47 Seasons of Life and Hierarchy
• 7:12 Reconnecting With Our Desires
• 12:07 Responsible Sexual Choices
• 19:46 The Forever Connection of Parenthood
• 22:28 Closing Thoughts and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student.

Speaker 2: 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire. Welcome back listeners, family, friends, so happy to have you. Thank you for tuning back in to Desire as Medicine podcast. I am here with the lovely Brenda, as usual, so grateful to have her and so grateful to have you. So let's get right into it.

Speaker 1: 1:42

Today we are talking about the lovely topic of responsibility. I love how I call it a lovely topic. It's the topic that sometimes people want to throw out. We all want what we want, but we just want it to happen. We want it to be delivered by the I don't know the angels, the masters, the guides. They just come to your doorstep and just deliver what you want as if it doesn't have any factor, as if your actions don't play any factors, and you're receiving what you want, which is completely untrue. We do have to take action. We have to ask ourselves tons of questions what do we want? What do we want now? How does that feel? How does that feel in my body or our bodies? And we have talked about this part in the past. Brenda and I. There is an actual hierarchy. We tend to want tons of things all at the same time and we're responsible for deciding what takes precedent. Right, brenda? How do you shuffle that?

Speaker 2: 2:45

Such a great question. I mean, I think there's different seasons of our life. We have different seasons where we want different things, and sometimes we want one thing and then we have it or we don't, and we grow and then we naturally want something else. I think that's correct. We did an episode on enough, like oh, when do you know you have enough? And the whole idea, the whole myth that, oh, you have enough, you shouldn't want more, right, but we do, I think, just as humans, we naturally want more. And so there's just a season for different things.

Speaker 2: 3:21

The season that I'm in right now is I want my home.

Speaker 2: 3:26

I've been traveling around a lot.

Speaker 2: 3:28

I've owned two homes in my life, so I've had that, but I haven't had it in this form now in my life and it takes an enormous amount of responsibility for me to have to hold, I should say because I don't have it yet but to hold this desire of having my home again, having my beautiful home.

Speaker 2: 3:49

So that's the thing that I'm working on right now, which means that I'm taking deeper responsibility for my finances right and holding that desire. It's very easy, when we don't know how we're going to have something, to dismiss it or drop it or hot potato it onto somebody else, and what we're talking about here is holding your desire, being responsible for your desire, like having the rightness in your internal system that I want this thing, and sometimes it's so big and it feels unattainable you don't know how to have it, but yet it's calling you, and I think when things get scary, it is maybe our natural tendency to turn away from it. But if we are saying that our desires call us to something bigger, call us deeper into who we are, into this new iteration of ourselves, while then holding it and following the breadcrumbs hashtag, being responsible, it's not about attainment.

Speaker 1: 5:07

It's about growing into the person who can have that thing 1000%. I'm thinking about something that we've talked about in the past. You just mentioned holding your desire, and it had me think of window shopping. There was a time when I was a teen and I had some roommates. Mom had passed and so I couldn't just buy whatever I wanted. There was definitely a hierarchy of what I could have and I could not window shop. It just felt so sad to pass by stores and see something that I wanted and I couldn't have it, which makes sense as to why, when I did have more finances coming in, why I was buying, like you know, x amount of t-shirts in different colors because I liked the shirt or the jeans or the bag, because I had such a hungry ghost energy around that particular piece, because I couldn't give it to myself in the past. There is a location where part of becoming the person that gets to have it is the window shopping of whatever that looks like. Sometimes it's a vision board. Sometimes, if it's a house, maybe you start visiting Zillow or MLS listings and just seeing oh, would this be the house? Would this be the house, would this be the neighborhood, really feeling into what feels good to me what feels like a yes.

Speaker 1: 6:22

As you continue to move day to day holding the desire of I want this new home, and I know, as a person who couldn't window shop, that sometimes that in itself is hard to hold, but that is our responsibility. I could have easily said, oh, I can't have it because of, or put the blame on someone else. It because of, or put the blame on someone else. I'm sure our society does tons of that. There's endless amounts of examples of that. But if we don't do that, one of the options is if I am responsible for having what I want, then what would be the next step towards getting this? What's one small step? And focusing less on the attainment, on the outcome, focusing more on just the next step? I know what I want. What's the next step from here?

Speaker 1: 7:14

So thank you so much for sharing that on the house. I love that so much. I can't wait to see what comes up, what kind of magic you create. And you talked about the hierarchies, you talked about the different seasons, and I also want to bring into the ring that we're responsible for feeling that desire, holding it and feeling it right. That's a whole different conversation in itself that we've talked about in the past of what happens when you don't feel tapped in or connected to that feeling, but it's our responsibility to get re-tapped in, to do it all over again. For me, one of the major ones is practicing some stillness and I think, for you right, one of the major ways you do it is that you move, you go into movement.

Speaker 2: 8:01

I really do. Yeah, I love that we hold different poles for this. And it's not that stillness doesn't work for me, it absolutely does, and I do need stillness. I definitely like to go into nature, I like to swim, I like to dance a lot. When I dance and move, I remember who I am. No-transcript.

Speaker 1: 8:25

I think it's important for us to know what that is.

Speaker 1: 8:28

Exactly that is our responsibility to know. Oh okay, I need some stillness. For me, stillness, I think, is one of the go-tos, because sometimes, when I'm not tapped in, I'm going too fast, my brain is going too fast or I myself am going too fast. Maybe I'm going from appointment to appointment to appointment, zoom call, zoom call, zoom call, or conversation, conversation, and there's just so much movement that somehow I get sort of untethered, potentially not necessarily fully ungrounded, but I get this feeling of I don't feel so sturdy and I have to kind of like pause and collect myself. Sometimes it is going for a walk, because sometimes I have so much energy moving through my body but I don't have the energy to do anything and my mind isn't working, and so movement is the best thing for me at that time. But it was my responsibility to figure this out and through practice like this is what works for me and it sounds like through practice, you've also found what works for you Absolutely, and it is a practice and it's so personal and it can also change.

Speaker 2: 9:31

So what worked for me last week or last year or when I was in my 20s or 30s, might be very different when I'm in my 40s or 50s. And I love that you brought up about being responsible, because it's so much easier when you don't know how to have something to just deny it altogether. But you're saying, oh, I really enjoyed window shopping and what a beautiful gift to give yourself. It's just kind of like being in the desire, just like looking around and what do you want and just letting yourself kind of be in that. It's very often we just, well, I don't have any money, I can't shop, so I can't go, and that's really just kind of cutting ourselves off. And people will do that with food as well.

Speaker 2: 10:15

You were talking about the hierarchy of desires and that makes me think about food. Right, I want to eat all the yummy things that I love and I could say, oh, that's my desire, right. But if I'm really responsible with my desire, I'm actually not doing that, because my deeper desire is to be healthy and to feel agile in my body, which is another really big thing that I'm working on right now. So it's not about denying yourself, but it really is about discernment. Like what is it that you and sometimes do I give myself the ice cream A hundred percent, but not all the time, because then it does kind of fall into like compulsion or hungry ghost kind of thing where I'm looking for it to fill a need. But the discernment is really important here when we're talking about how can we give ourselves what we want, and I think that does come with maturity.

Speaker 1: 11:24

For sure practice. I think you mentioned hungry ghost, and for sure I think one of the reasons why window shopping was so difficult was because there was a hungry ghost and I knew that nothing would satisfy or satiate that peace. And it wasn't about the peace that I wanted. Something else was occurring and I knew there would be dissatisfaction. And so how do you? I just didn't have the tools back then. We're talking about way back when, many, many decades ago. So I don't have like hindsight is always 20-20. At that time I definitely did not know what I know now.

Speaker 1: 11:59

Let's see if we can move when we're thinking about responsibility and desire, if we can start moving towards, like going inching our way towards responsibility of sex, and one of the things that can happen to us is that when we're starved of sex right Like being responsible of getting fed what does that look like for us? What does it require? Does that mean that we need a boyfriend, a girlfriend, like, do we need a partnership? Can we have something that's more casual? Are we not that casual? Are we more of an attached archetype, like what do we need in order to be able to fulfill this desire? I think that's our responsibility. And does something pop up for you. Okay, she's not telling us the secrets, people, she's like keeping it to herself. She unmuted, but she's just looking at me like you know what, catherine.

Speaker 2: 12:50

I'm not going to tell you Jack, diddy, jack. No, jack Diddy for you, keep going, you're on a roll.

Speaker 1: 12:56

When we're thinking about responsibility, we can start looking at responsibility towards sex. And are we starved? How can we feed ourselves? Are we someone who gets attached? Does this mean that we cannot have something casual, because it would be like ouchies for our heart and we can't do that sort of thing? Maybe that means that we lean towards a boyfriend. Maybe he's not our forever man, but definitely our for our for. Definitely. Maybe not our forever, but definitely a for now, depending on what season of life you're in. If sex is a need, if you have a starvation type sort of hungry ghost there, how can you touch that in a very responsible way If you're not planning on getting pregnant?

Speaker 1: 13:47

Responsible way If you're not planning on getting pregnant, are you using condoms? Are you making sure that you're taking STD tests? Are you guys sharing your tests? How safe are the tests? Are you just sharing screenshots? Are you sending PDFs? Do you see the dates on them? Have they been altered?

Speaker 1: 14:05

All these questions that we need to ask ourselves before deciding okay, I'm going to engage in a sexual activity with this other individual, because sometimes we have to remember that love is not enough. Maybe you even just love this person, but do you love them enough to have a child? Or have you talked about what it's going to look like if you potentially get pregnant? Do you want to co-parent with this person? Would you like to have a little mini me that is, behaves and looks just like this other individual? Is that what you're looking for Like?

Speaker 1: 14:36

These are all questions that need to be asked. This is being responsible. It's not just willy nilly. Oh, the fantasy was so great. I just had such a fun time. Like we need to be able to marry fun and responsibility together. Not just look after our turn on, look after being resourced, make sure that we're not starved, but in doing that that we're also responsible, because as women, we can create a life. And it's not to scare everybody and say you know, I'm practicing some form of religious what is it called, brenda, when somebody's not having sex?

Speaker 2: 15:13

Celibacy, abstinence, abstinence. I like how we both just came up with completely different words, but they're both true.

Speaker 1: 15:19

Yes, I don't mean I'm not advocating for that, but I am saying you have to think about it for yourself. One of the things that comes to me when I'm talking to either women or clients is when they say I can't believe this happened. I'm like really, you can't believe this happened. You were literally in the baby making like position. What do you mean? You didn't know it was going to happen. This didn't look like something I was going to do. It's sort of like I put the egg on the frying pan with the oil and the heat on. I can't believe it's cooked Like yeah, that's how it happens, exactly like that, and so I need us to be responsible ladies.

Speaker 2: 15:59

Oh my God, you're so funny, that's so funny. I think when that happens, we're just in wishful thinking, like whatever it is and that's a great example, but it's like, oh, I don't want this thing to happen and I'm just going to take the actions anyway, without being responsible, and just cross my fingers and hope for the best. Well, it's kind of like playing the roulette wheel in life, and maybe we've all played that in different ways. But we're talking about being responsible and what I want to bring in is that when you're responsible, you have a lot more freedom. I mean, just going back to what you said before and you brought back my single days of STD testing and asking someone have you been tested?

Speaker 2: 16:33

And having those conversations is a huge form of responsibility, and once you do that, think about how much more of a good time you can have. And you know, in order to really have our desires, and especially around sex, we really need safety. As women, we need to feel safe to fully let go, and so if we have the information that has us feel safe like this person has had their test and I've shared my test and we've communicated it wow, well, the whole path just opened up for a lot more freedom, or else your mind could be worrying about oh my God, I hope I don't get pregnant or I hope he doesn't have an STD. You don't have to think about any of that if you've done the work in advance, and that is responsibility.

Speaker 1: 17:25

So it's like oh, we're responsible for our own freedom yes, and I would add that even if you've exchanged a cd test, it's not the answer for like no condom use totally, yeah, yeah, totally, and that's a great point.

Speaker 1: 17:40

It's like the test helps your mind, but I would ask myself if I got pregnant from this, if I caught something from this man. Am I okay, because they're all possible, right, even with testing, like we just don't know Even with condoms, you can still get pregnant. Sometimes condoms break Even with the pill. Sometimes you get pregnant, like I think it's stats are what? One out of every, I think it's two people out of every hundred get pregnant with a condom, and I want to say 12 for birth control, 12 out of every every hundred do you know what you call people who use diaphragms as birth control?

Speaker 2: 18:33

no, parents, welcome to our fun show over here. Oh, that was so good. Yeah, to your point.

Speaker 1: 18:44

Yes To my point. There are. There are things, there are methods where you just don't know. And then here you are and let's say you want to be a parent Great, but you knew this going in, hopefully right. If you're listening to this podcast, chances are you're not a teenager, like I don't know if we necessarily have a teen demographic. I think we mostly speak to women who are grown, and this is important. If you make a baby with someone, that person, at the very least, whether there's child support involved or not, marriage or not, he will be in your life for the next 18 plus years.

Speaker 2: 19:25

Oh, I can attest to that, I really can. I mean, I think about this often. Talk about responsibility with your choices. I was married, for we were together for 21 years. We were divorced like around the 25 year mark. We are in it for life. We are no longer married and we are in it for life, and not even that. But he's in my children. That.

Speaker 1: 19:52

but he's in my children.

Speaker 2: 19:53

So even though I'm not actually in talking relationship with him, with this person, I've chosen to marry, divorce and have children with he's in my children. My children have his blood, have his patterns, have his life force inside of him. So I think about this a lot. That is truly a soulmate relationship and someone who you will be in relationship with your entire life.

Speaker 1: 20:17

Yeah, that's true. I mean I know I say 18 years, I just mean like 18 years co-parenting, but then, past the 18 years, you have these other things that Brenda's talking about. You will see your ex in your children. They will have your ex's DNA. They will have your ex's patterns. You will be hearing about your ex and his life forever. You have to sometimes share holidays or share experiences with somebody that you potentially are not with. This is not meant to scare you. I'm bringing this forward because I don't think we think about it. We don't.

Speaker 2: 20:51

No, we don't, and we're pointing to responsibility. So this is just a great example If you have sex with someone and you don't use protection, do you want to be connected to them forever? That's a good question to think about and then act upon the answer. The forever piece is big. I think it's really huge. Forever, I mean what is forever? Even actually mean I guess it means until one of us dies, but even still our relationships continue beyond that. But now we're just going to get really out there if we go down that road.

Speaker 1: 21:27

Yeah, we don't have to get so esoteric. But, brenda, thank you for bringing that forward. I had not thought to myself about what it would feel like past the 18 year marker or past the grown marker. And you're right. You will see your ex and your children Like there are so many pieces that potentially go unthought of, unchecked.

Speaker 1: 21:46

Hopefully, on this episode, we have sparked a little bit more of responsibility inside of you, where you are aware it is your responsibility to be turned on. It is your responsibility to be a resource. It is your responsibility to be fed so that you're not starved. It's your responsibility to know what season of life you're in. It's your responsibility to know what desire am I actually going after or what am I just going to simmer in? Because at this season of life I can't as Brenda has stated in one of our podcasts. She's like you can't have peaceful Sundays and have newborns right, like we have to know what season of life we are in With that. Thank you so much for listening and tuning in. It has been a pleasure bringing this podcast to you and, if you like it, share it, follow, write a review on Apple Podcasts and send us a screenshot. Thank you so much. Bye for now.

Speaker 1: 22:53

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.