122 ~ From People Pleasing to Self Trust

Ever notice how fast “YES” leaves your mouth while your body whispers No!? 

We go deep into the real mechanics of yes and no. Some reasons why we say them. How they land in the body, and what it costs when we ignore the truth to keep the peace. From the short-term comfort of people-pleasing to the slow creep of resentment and burnout, we map the terrain so you can feel the difference between a clean answer and a automatic response.

We share personal edges and self practiced tools for holding boundaries without drama, including simple scripts, partial yes options, and a quick after-action audit that strengthens self-trust. 

We unpack two common traps: saying yes when you mean no to avoid conflict, and saying no when you mean yes to dodge vulnerability and growth. You’ll hear the subtle body cues of alignment, the calendar clues of misalignment, and why it’s often more fruitful to try and fail than to shrink and stall.

We also bring in human design as a practical lens for decision-making. If you’re sacral, that gut response is gold, clear and fast when you don’t override it to be polite. If you’re emotional authority, clarity arrives over time; riding the wave and acting when the answer lands is the move. And then there's splenic, where it could change very quickly.  Not into human design? Take what works and leave the rest. Knowing how your clarity shows up is the practice. Protect the space that lets you hear it, and claim your answer with one concrete step the moment it arrives.

Holiday season or not, this is an everyday practice. This episode will help you explore the energy beneath a true yes and true no, the short-term benefits of misalignment, and the long-term costs to self-trust, time, and intimacy. Here are the rapid fire episode bullet points:

• benefits and costs of false yes and false no
• people pleasing as self-abandonment
• resentment, calendar overload, and body signals
• vulnerability of a true yes and choosing growth
• small experiments to rebuild self-trust
• holiday invitations and partial yes strategies
• sacral/emotional authority/splenic decision-making
• claiming clarity with immediate action
• post-commitment self-audit for patterns

You can find our handles below. We'd love to hear from you.

Chapters

• 1:40 Why Yes And No Matter
• 2:47 Saying Yes When You Mean No
• 8:13 Costs Of False Yeses
• 10:38 Saying No When You Mean Yes
• 16:20 Vulnerability, Stretch, And Growth
• 21:45 Everyday Examples Women Know Too Well
• 26:30 Personal Edges And Honest Preferences
• 31:20 Integrity, Discomfort, And Practice

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:07

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

SPEAKER_00: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life, motherhood, relationships, and my business. Desire has taken me on quite a ride, and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher, turned coach and guide of the feminine.

SPEAKER_01: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married, I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of Tired and Wired, and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker, and a forever student.

SPEAKER_00: 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners, on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

SPEAKER_01: 1:12

On the Desire is Medicine podcast, we talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked, being responsible for our desire. Welcome back, family, friends, listeners, to another episode. And I am here with the lovely Brenda. We are so excited to talk to you about this. We actually feel like we haven't really gone deep as deep as we can with this topic. And the topic is yes, no, like a true yes, a true no. And what we mean by going deeper is what's underneath the yes, what's underneath the no, the energy underneath it, the costs and the benefits of a misaligned yes or no? And the hard parts are, you know, when we're trying to change a pattern, are we the kinds of people that say yes to everything? Are we the kinds of people that say no to everything? And we're we want we're also today wanting to touch on human design, like what our authority is, whether we're emotional, authority, or sacral. I'm sacral and Brenda is emotional. And it's definitely something that we think about when we're being with ourselves and our own answers. So the first place that we're going to touch on the map today on the yes-no review is saying yes when you mean no. And let's first talk about the benefits of that. The benefits could be temporary peace. Like sometimes you're just like, it's easier to please them. Maybe we're gonna avoid conflict by saying yes. Maybe we get juz juz, we get approval. We're the best, because we always say yes. Um, maybe we feel needed or useful. Maybe we're just keeping our roles intact. Like, I always say yes to this, so why would right now be any different? The thing is, I know we've said this before, like every false yes is a little bit of a self-abandonment and or just like a withdrawal from self. And every time we lie, we hear ourselves. And it becomes harder and harder to know what we want because we're always kind of not telling the truth. It sounds horrible, Brenda, but it's true. When I say it sounds horrible, I mean, wouldn't it be great if we could just lie and there's no cost? But there's a cost. Not only does the other person not really know what our truth is, we start to forget our own truth because we're so busy speaking a false truth. What comes up to what comes to mind?

SPEAKER_00: 4:04

An example or just thoughts, Brenda? I think this is an epidemic. I think this is an epidemic in our society. And that's why I was so passionate about recording on this today. I feel like we touch on this in so many of our episodes. If you go back, you'll you'll hear us. Almost in every episode, we say, well, what is your true yes and your true no? But we've never actually recorded a full episode on it. And our last episode was on obligation, which is why we don't often say our true yes and our true no. But it is an epidemic, and I am not exaggerating. Women are constantly saying yes when they mean no. It's people pleasing, it's self-abandonment. And I love how you just snuck in that your people are lying. Oh, when you're lying to yourself like that, you're not being honest. You're lying to yourself and others, perhaps to the people that you love the most. And I don't think it's deliberate like you're trying to be a liar. There's so many reasons that we say yes when we mean no. I mean, for me in the past, when I used to do it, I just didn't want to deal with the conflict. And I didn't know how to deal with the conflict. Or I was dealing with the same conflict over and over in so many ways that I just was sick of dealing with it. And I see that in a lot of my clients as well. It's like, oh God, this is so hard. It's very hard. It can be hard to practice the no and holding it all the way through. Takes a lot of responsibility and a lot of being willing to sit with your own discomfort because it will be uncomfortable at first, and the discomfort of others, you will feel guilty. You will feel wrong, you will feel like you're making a mistake, you'll feel like you're letting people down. If you're aware of that, and you can sit with the real discomfort of those feelings and say, I know I feel guilty right now. I know I feel like I'm letting this person down. I've never done this before. This is uncomfortable, but I'm just gonna sit with this discomfort for the longer gain of being more honest with myself and others because it is a practice. You don't just do this overnight, you don't just be a people pleaser and uh shift this overnight, especially when you may have been seeing people in your family, the women before you, your mother saying yes, watching her say yes when she means no. You could just tell because she's pissed off and resentful. And so you want to do it differently. You need to be willing to sit with this comfort. And you might not always hit it. And that's okay. It's a practice. This this is a practice that takes a long time and a willingness to sit with yourself while you practice it.

SPEAKER_01: 7:34

So just to repeat, you're talking about when we say no, when we mean no, we need to practice that because it's hard. And when we say yes, when we mean no, there are some very real, like I just mentioned them, short-term benefits. Like it's sometimes you just don't want to deal with somebody else's response to your no. And there are some real costs of which you've mentioned already. Like when we say yes, when we really internally mean no, we are resentful, we do get exhausted, we are self-abandoning, there is an energetic leak. Oh my god, there's a time that like we just stuff our calendars with so much, and the misalignment starts to compound. There's body symptoms, we're tight, shut down, irritable, pissed off, as you say, rage. Like, and so that feels pretty clear. I think we know. Oh, I can't believe I said yes to that. I really don't have the time, don't have the space, don't really want to. Sometimes we start to hear it after the fact. Like it, the yes is such a knee-jerk reaction. I often give the exercise to my clients to just say no to everything, even when they say they mean yes, even when they want to, because I want them to miss something. I want them to feel what that yearning is, what they really wanted, and to live through that part so that there could be like a reference point in the body of what that felt like. Because to be honest, if we're constantly saying yes, it really dilutes our no and it dilutes the yes too. Because it's never really yes from this place, like I really want to do it. It's like yes, because I have so much I want to avoid. It's like, yes, I want to avoid the conflict. Yes, I want to avoid the discomfort. Yes, I want to, you know, all the pieces. So I'll move on then now, and we can start talking about when we say no, when we mean yes, and there are benefits. Sometimes there's temporary safety. Like if everybody else is saying no in our tribe, we want to be a no to. It above it avoids us having to feel vulnerable. Like, oh, we I really wanted that, that thing. But I'm gonna say no because I don't want to be seen as stupid or silly, or I don't want to be seen in that way. And I'm saying no because if I say yes, well, I'm gonna have to expand or I have to change and I don't want to do any of those things. So I'm just gonna say no. I'm just gonna stay small. I'm just gonna play this game where I'm safe and I don't have to step into anything bigger. Because sometimes saying yes when we mean yes means we have to back it. I mean, maybe we don't have to, but it definitely feels like we do. I think there is something that happens inside of us when we have that intention. I intend to something, something. I know you and I have done episodes on word of the year, and our intention is to grow into that word. And even saying the word is vulnerable, like admitting the yes. Oh, I want to do this, I want to create this, I want to do, I want to grow into this identity, I want to become the person that gets to have. And then what happens when we fail? And like we just don't quite hit the mark. So saying no in those circumstances can feel safe, but there's a cough.

SPEAKER_00: 11:46

Yeah, I think when we have a knee-jerk no, when we really want something, we're really denying ourselves. We're really denying ourselves what we might want, what we have asked for, what the universe wants to give us. And it can be scary to have our desires, you know, it can be scary to not be in control. Something comes over to you that is an offering of the universe, whatever it is, and you're like out of control at that point. Like lying about your yes and your no is very manipulative and controlling. You get to control everything. But being in resonance with life, and something comes across your plate and you want to say yes to it is really juicy. It's like, oh, the universe uh just sent me this man or this job or this friend or this opportunity. That doesn't mean you have to marry it or follow it or eat it. But can you just be with it and explore it? Could be kind of juicy.

SPEAKER_01: 13:12

I once was confronted um with the question. I had said no to something. And the person was like, but did you did you think about it? I was like, did I think about it? Of course I thought about it. I was like, who says no without thinking about it? I was just like, what? People do that. I so I was so thrown back by the question. And then I realized, oh, often people don't be with and sit with an opportunity long enough to feel into is this something I want or I don't want. And I for sure think about it. Because when I'm saying yes, that means I'm automatically saying no to other things. Because you can't do everything, not at the same time. You can do a lot of things, but not everything. And the more that reality, that truth, that wisdom lands in my body, the more I really want to honor yes and no. Because I understand that time is our limited commodity. We don't have a lot of it. And how we use it really matters. And our yes and our no's are a way for us to use it wisely. Let I mean you've mentioned some of the costs here to saying no when we mean yes. We've missed opportunities, we have delayed desire, we're shrinking our life, weakening the self-trust muscle because we're not really going for it. This one happens to me more when I say no and I mean yes. It's like I feel stagnant, like stagnation happens. I it feels like, oh, I'm in not quicksand, but something like it. Like I'm moving, but not really going anywhere. The truth is that our false knows like keep us small and disconnected from our desire. It's a lot more fun and fruitful to fail. But it's hard to do that without the courage to say the yes. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 15:35

Do you think more women are saying no when they mean yes, or yes when they mean no? Or maybe is it is it both?

SPEAKER_01: 15:44

I think it's interesting. I think we say probably more yeses when we mean no when it's obligatory and somebody wants something from us, and we're like, oh yes, I can sew your sweater, oh yes, I can make you tea, oh yes, I can get you coffee, oh yes, I can drive you to, oh yes, I can uh accompany you in that sort of thing. And then saying no when we mean yes is like, oh, can I get you? And I'm like, oh no, I'm fine. Can I can I get you? Uh would you like coffee? Oh no, no, I'm fine. Can I get you a water?

SPEAKER_00: 16:20

Oh my God, you literally just nailed all women when you said that.

SPEAKER_01: 16:25

Would you like some chocolate? Oh no, I'm good. Would you like another serving? Oh no, I'm okay. I'm I'm satisfied. Thank you. That was enough. Oh, would you like some more? Would you like the last piece? Oh no, no, I'm okay. Oh, uh, would you like to go up next on karaoke? Oh no, no, I don't sing. Would you like to dance? Oh no, I'm okay. Thank you. I just ate. Would you like to? There's all these places where we could easily like there are these books, right? That are like the year of yes, or like go for it. And depending on where you're standing, you probably you might be reading the title saying, I say yes all the time. Like I'm constantly doing things. But I think that they both have validity. There are times when we say no, when we mean yes, and but the no is there because the yes would be such a stretch. And then there are times when we say no. I'm sorry, excuse me. There are times when we say yes when we really mean no, because saying yes is just so much easier. Like holding the no would require growth on our part. Like tons and tons of growth to stand with that no. And for me, I would say we can talk about why is this hard? I'll talk about the places where it's been hard for me. The saying no when I mean yes, or saying yes when I mean no. Saying yes when I mean no, the hard areas for me were around obligation and I had to just get right with that. What was I willing to sacrifice? What was I not willing? Saying no when I mean yes, that's harder because that means I have to step into a higher version of me, and that requires a lot more courage than sometimes I have at my fingertips. But it's the fastest way to grow. Like saying yes when I actually mean yes. And that growth is required for me to fully step into the life that I want. Because if anywhere in your life you want more, it's going to require you to become a version of you that doesn't exist yet. And that will mean that you will be saying yes when you mean yes. It means admitting that you want something, being vulnerable. And that part for me was definitely harder. The mantra of I'm not failing, I'm learning. That's been harder to learn. Perfection gets in our way for sure. That's been the harder places for me. Where sometimes I'm being called to tell the truth about something, whether it's a yes or no or a statement. And I'm like, I don't really want to get involved in that. And so courage is lacking, so I I just don't get involved. Those are like the most common harder parts. And then there's one that is part there's a hard part of my personality, how I identify, which is I'm pretty easygoing. Like left, right, same. It's fine. Like for the most part, things are fine. There I have some hard stops because of physical reasons. Like I don't want to go to somebody's house that has pets because I'm allergic to pets, or you know, things like that, that I'm not so easygoing around just because. Because it well, it's physically uncomfortable. I had to practice asking myself, do I really not care? Like, is this okay? And I guess if I were to be even more honest, there was a time where I was a lot more uptight, definitely in my early 20s, where I said no often for some things. Yes, often for other things, but I had a lot more black-white thinking. And with personal growth, I've had a lot more gray and a lot more like, hmm, either way is fine. I don't feel really passionate about one or the other. And having to check in with myself and say, is this true? Or do I really have a preference? I'm still working on that part. Like, yes, I could go left, right? Yes. And do I have a present preference that I can't quite hear exactly? And I think you'll be able to share how, like, where it's hard for you. But I've definitely heard you talk about the places where potentially you froze or you fawned, or like you weren't willing to say things, right? What comes up for you around like where is this hard?

SPEAKER_00: 21:19

For me, historically, it's been hard for me to say no when I really was a no, because I didn't know how to be with the discomfort of somebody else and my own discomfort around somebody else's discomfort. That has been the hardest spot for me. And I've learned some painful lessons along the way to get to a place now where I can be with people's discomfort more because I can be with my own discomfort. So I'm more willing to say no when it's true. And I still catch myself sometimes. You know, I think that that's a vulnerable true thing to admit here that there's it's not perfect. We're human. I think we often will go back to our default programming, and that is okay. It's really about noticing it. And what do you do when you're there? And we can course correct at any time. So holding the weight of myself and my true desire is the most important thing to me. It's like my integrity with myself at this point in my life. And I think saying your true yes and your true no is mature, sober, sovereign. These are things that make us the best versions of ourselves, who we aspire to be. And we don't have to hit it in every moment, but we get to practice. We get to practice, and we say, we're always on the mat, always learning. And this teaching is so beautiful for those people who are people pleasing and always saying yes, you really can't trust them. You can't really trust it because you can't trust someone's yes until they're willing to say no. And that's why I love that practice that you give your clients. And I do a similar thing where you're just saying no to everything. And you could try that if you're listening. Just say no to everything for a day or an hour, if that's all you could do. Right. And feel into your body when something comes across your table. Do I want to do this or do I not? And you might be in your default programming where you're just saying yes or no. And you're like, wow, you might notice yourself doing that. And it's so interesting to notice because you might be listening to this going, oh, yeah, I'm really honest. I say yes and no appropriately, attuned to myself. And you know what? It just could be that thing that you don't know what you don't know. So we wanted to bring this up at the holiday time because this it is highlighted at holiday time. There's so many invitations, there's so many festivities and quote obligations, and you don't have to say yes to everything. Who would you be if you said no to certain invitations? And also, sometimes we're a yes, but we're not a yes to the whole thing. So if somebody invited me to the city for the day, I might not be a yes for like a breakfast, lunch, dinner, into the evening Broadway show, City Day. I would be a no to that. But I could be a yes for two to eight p.m. So sometimes it's a matter of what can I say yes to? And are you willing to stick around for some negotiation and discussion? Because that's a really juicy spot too, finding your yes. What can you say yes to?

SPEAKER_01: 25:15

I find that the the automatic audit of what you're talking about, let's say you have an obligation or you somebody invites you to something, whether you say yes or no, is it relevant? It's more of after the fact asking yourself, was I really a yes? Was I really a no? And then learning, oh, I normally insert analysis. And that helps you get to know yourself. And ultimately, all of this is so that you get to know yourself. That's really what it's for. So that you could live a more fulfilled life using yourself, your life, and all the material that's in it as the catalyst. I don't want to forget this little thing. It's not a uh might be a little or big thing. I don't know, it depends on the human. But if you know your date of birth and you know your time of birth, and you know your place of birth, you can also find out your human design. And in human design, they have something that's called a sacral authority or an emotional authority. And I am a sacral authority, and that just means that I have a gut response. It's pretty immediate, like yes or no. And my body sort of knows before my mind knows. My body is sort of clear and the clarity comes in through a sensation. It's not a thought. And for sacriles, authority like myself, we get into trouble when we accommodate others because we want to be a polite or we just flat out want to accommodate. And Brenda has different authorities. She has an emotional authority, which is beautiful. She has to kind of ride the emotional wave, which she does beautifully, better than any other emotional authority I've ever met. She truly has worked on this and I've seen it, and I've seen her become just so much better at her, yes, no, from this place. Like she becomes clear. She's like, oh, right now I feel this, but give me some time. I wanna. For that authority, it's a matter of no rush. She's just gonna be clear when she feels emotionally sober. Like there's no high, high, right? Sometimes emotional authorities can feel pressured if people want like a quick answer, right? Or if they answer based on they're just on a high and having a great day and everything's a yes, or they're on a low and everything's a no. But if they can just write it out, and I'm gonna let Brenda speak to this. Like, how has it felt in this journey for you of finding like the sweet spot, I guess, in your authority?

SPEAKER_00: 28:12

Well, it started out as hell because before I knew about human design, I just thought I was completely indecisive. I thought I, I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn't tell. Do I want to do this thing or do I not? Because I think that our society rewards sacral. Like we think that we should just know. And that that's not true for everybody. I think the fast moving society that we live in is like, oh, what's your yes? What's your no? And for emotional authority, it's not that way. So it was hell because there's certain things that come in. So I'm a manifesting generator in human design and I'm a responder. So there are things that come in and I have a sacral yes or no. And that's great to notice. And I could tell that by my response, how I feel, my sounds. But then there's other things that come in, and now I know they they fall into the bucket of emotional authority. I'm like, oh, that one went in the bucket. So we don't know the answer to that yet. This is, like you said, I need to ride the waves. It's like I need to feel into all the possible scenarios. And this is part of my design. It's a strength because I get to really sit with all the ways that it could possibly be. This used to drive me insane. And what I've learned about emotional authority and practiced, because we you practice your human design, it's really fun, is I need to pivot. So instead of putting all my attention on and pressure on trying to decide the answer to this big thing, I actually need to take my attention off of it completely. Now it's it sits there, it's like in the bucket in my body. I do other things, I go out into the world, I interact with people and places, and at some point, some random moment, the answer comes to me and I could feel it land in my body. And then I know. And for emotional authority, what I've learned for myself is when I feel that yes or no come in or the clarity, act on it. Claim it. Because if if you miss the door, it can it just can go back into the poor, into the bucket. Then you could just like could be in a loop if you don't work with it well, and that's the hell. And I want to also say there's actually another authority, and I'm not an expert on this, but there's splenic. And so we're not gonna really get into that too much, but splenic authority is moment-to-moment intuition. So it comes through the body and it could be true right now, but then in an hour or two, it might not be true. So I just want to say that there's that as well.

SPEAKER_01: 31:12

You spoke about your practice with this. You've spoken about when you miss the window. So you were saying, oh, you need to act on it. The thing I want to ask you is what does acting on the yes, once you hear it as an emotional authority, what does that mean for you? What is a version or an example of you taking action on that? Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 31:33

That's a great question. So somebody invites me to an event. I don't feel an immediate yes or no. Okay, that went into the emotional authority bucket. I'm gonna sit with it. I'm gonna go out, live my life. I'm just at the supermarket picking out my avocados, and all of a sudden, bang, it lands in my body. Oh my God, I want to go to that event. Yes. So acting on it means claiming it in my own self. Oh, I want to go to the event. And then for me, it's helpful to sit in that portal of my yes and text my friend, call them, take some kind of 3D action, buy the ticket, look up the train, make the plan. So it's like an action in that way. And then it's done and it feels great. But if I miss that portal, and this isn't always true, it's it's not like there's one hard and fast rule for this. If I miss the portal, I mean, the bigger the thing, the harder it could be to go through the mental loop. If it's something small, like, you know, what kind of sandwich do I want, or do I want to go to this event? The yes might stay with me. But I could lose it. I could very easily lose it if I don't claim it.

SPEAKER_01: 33:01

Thank you so much. I love that added layer of claiming it, like taking the action, letting the universe and/or the other human know I want to do this. I'm a yes. What's next? That sort of taking action. This whole episode has been so great talking about yes, no from different angles. What are the costs? What are the benefits? Under what circumstances is it working? Under what circumstances is it not working? And ultimately, desire lives in our true yes and our true no. Like, what do we really want? And our authority is helpful. Like knowing your human design is helpful for you to know how to hear those truths for your individual makeup. And let's say, for whatever reason, religious or otherwise, you don't want to know your authority, and you're like, that's not gonna work for me. Then we really invite you to play with what is gonna work for you to become more intimate with your yes and with your no. We can't wait to hear how this episode landed for you. That's it for now. Till next time.

SPEAKER_00: 34:21

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

SPEAKER_01: 34:25

Desire invites us to be honest, loving, and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.