127 ~ Security Starts Inside: Why Money Is Not Real Safety

What if the things we cling to for safety: money, titles, degrees, even a stacked calendar, are just polished props? We go straight at the myth of external security and make a case for the kind of wealth you can’t lose: alignment, capacity, and self-trust. Along the way, we revisit an idea from a recent guest "money is the happy byproduct of alignment" and get honest about how that actually looks in real life when you’re budgeting, meal planning, or trying not to derail your goals at the checkout line.

We define alignment as the moment your insides match your outsides: thoughts, emotions, body signals, values, and actions moving together. You feel it as congruence and momentum, doors open, timing clicks, and you don’t have to white-knuckle your way forward. But alignment is built, not wished into being. We talk through choice architecture, like funding retirement over impulse buys or stocking your fridge to make healthier decisions the easy decisions. We share grounded practices for self-regulation, including slowing down when fear spikes, naming what’s unknown, and making clear yes/no decisions that back your future self.

We also explore the difference between discomfort and danger. So much of what we call “not safe” is the nervous system’s response to uncertainty. By increasing capacity (increasing your ability to be with what is) you create real security that doesn’t vanish when markets swing or plans change. From there, relationships become richer, money flows with less effort, and your desire has room to grow. If you’re ready to audit the places where you outsource safety and build an inner base that travels with you, this conversation will meet you where you are and invite you a step deeper. 

Episode Highlights: 
• Money is a byproduct of alignment, not the source of safety
• False security in jobs, degrees, titles and assets
• Alignment as insides matching outsides
• Capacity and self-regulation as the new wealth
• Community support versus hyper-independence
• Choice architecture and backing yourself
• Practical routines for health and stability
• Planning for setbacks and re-entry
• Redefining safety and working with the unknown
• Slowing down to assess needs and act clearly

Chapters

• 1:40 Money As Byproduct Of Alignment
• 4:00 False Securities: Degrees, Jobs, Assets
• 7:50 Beyond Roles: Identity And Conditioning
• 12:10 Alignment Defined And Felt
• 16:15 Self-Trust, Community, And Capacity
• 21:20 Choice Architecture And Backing Yourself
• 26:10 Practical Alignment: Food, Rituals, Routines
• 31:00 Planning For Setbacks And Tradeoffs

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:07

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

SPEAKER_01: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life, motherhood, relationships, and my business. Desire has taken me on quite a ride, and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher, turned coach and guide of the feminine.

SPEAKER_00: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married, I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of Tired and Wired, and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker, and a forever student.

SPEAKER_01: 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners, on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

SPEAKER_00: 1:12

On the Desire is Medicine podcast, we talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked. Being responsible for our desire. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Desire as Medicine Podcast. We're so happy to have you. 2026 is a rolling, rolling strong. Talk about the year one, the year of beginnings, where on the podcast we've been talking about how we can be okay with where we are. And then we had our lovely guest, Karen. And there we were talking about if you haven't tuned in, you got to go back and listen. You can listen after this one, but you gotta go back. Go back. It was great. It's all about like how money is the happy byproduct of alignment. And one of the things I wanted to talk about with you guys and Brenda is the thought that that's a really cute phrase, right? Like money is the happy byproduct of alignment. Yeah, Catherine. Tell me exactly where to go to that money tree where alignment lives. I get it. I hear you. Because even though money is a happy byproduct of alignment, I think as a society, right, we look at money and we think for a lot of us, myself included, especially for a longer period of my life, like that is success. That lets you know you're doing the right thing, you're on track, like you're able to take care of yourself. You have the material things you want, you're living the life you want, right? There's a certain false sense of security that money can give you. You will feel like you're okay and you've got this. Potentially you have a degree. And maybe right now AI is taking that job. Their degree had a false sense of security. Money also provides a false sense of security. Maybe you have a lot of money, I don't know, in Bitcoin and whatever. There's a day where it all goes to hell, or gold, or silver, or the stock market. Like there are so many places where we can just bank on, I'm safe here because I have this thing, this house, this money, this degree, this job. And what we were talking about with Karen was like, well, where are you actually in alignment? Where are you leaning in towards your desire and just going where your soul is calling and saying yes to that calling? And you can see that you're doing going the right direction because you have sort of like a money trail. And we don't always have a money trail, people. Sometimes I want to say professions that potentially don't get paid that well. I'm gonna use my lovely Brenda's example, like teachers, and they do a really high-value job. Like they teach the next generation. Teach them subjects. Yes, we could argue that the education system in the United States sucks. We could argue that we're just teaching them how to be an employee. Nonetheless, still they're doing a great job. They are educating our future to the best of their ability based on the constrictions that we as a as a society provide. And so the thought becomes, well, hmm. So who's actually making money? If it's a happy byproduct of alignment, right? You will have some people in your purview that you could say, oh, those people are really like providing a need, a value. They're wealthy because they really found a need in society, like they solve a problem, and that problem has a price tag and they've made money for it. But what about like how is a teacher working and walking her talk so that she can be the happy byproduct of alignment, right? Well, here is the trick of dick. Here's the trick, trick, trick. The trick, people, is that we forget that we are more than our jobs. We are more than our positions, we are more than our education, we are more than our production. We are made up of boundaries and attachment styles and family programming and social conditioning and all these other things. And those things, when we look at those places, it's a lot easier to be in alignment, and it's a lot easier to find a sense of security that's rock solid in your body, regardless of how much money you have in the bank, how educated you were at school, how much of a good student you were, how great you do at your job, how many people to you tell you that you're doing amazing. Like all of those things are great, and nobody can provide you more grounding and more security than you can for yourself in your own body. And I really want to shine a light on the false sense of securities that we have as a society that we really applaud like material and cash, especially as we're rolling in and beginning 2026. What comes up for you, Brenda?

SPEAKER_01: 7:01

Wow, so many things come up for me. First of all, that was a lot. It was a lot. It was great. Have you ever thought about having a podcast? Isn't she the best opener, guys? She's such a good opener. She really is. Catherine has a really great gift of weaving all the things together, which is really a gift of the generator. We talk about our human design sometimes. I'm Annie Jen. I'm like flitting around where Catherine's more like slow and steady. And we learn from each other. It's really quite beautiful. Um, yeah, you really nailed it. And there are no guarantees on anything. I wish that there were. There's no guarantees on anything except trusting in yourself, being embodied, being in alignment with yourself. That is not something that anyone can take from you. It's the best thing that you can invest in. And definitely invest your money as well. Like it's great to have all of it. And I think that's what Karen was pointing to. When you're in alignment, money just comes, right? So it asks the question what is alignment? And to me, alignment is when my insides match my outsides, right? When my thoughts, my emotions, the signals in my body is my values, they're all going in the same direction on the road of life. Right? There's congruency. And you can feel that when it's happening. Doors open. You can see miracles, you believe in possibility, magic happens, you're thinking about someone, and that person calls. It's just the best. It's alignment. And that is something that nobody can take from you. And so, how do you invest in that? How do you invest in yourself? Because everything else is kind of flitting around on the surface. I have this image of scurrying around on top of the water the way birds or birds do. But really investing yourself is like that whale, like going through the ocean, right? Like solid and big. It's undeniable. So, how do we invest in that? How do we become that person? Like there's a gap, right? For most of us, like you said, most people are relying on those outside things and hoping and praying and wishing and hoping and praying and wishing that it all goes well today, so that tomorrow will come. And yeah, sometimes you have to take chances. We do we do leap sometimes, and the net appears. And even with all of that, having the faith in yourself that you got you, nothing replaces that. That is where the juice of life is, people. Do you got you? Do you know at the end of the day that you can take care of yourself, or that you know where to go to get it? I think it was you that told me this. And correct me if I don't have it accurately. But the new wealth is in relationships that you have invested in relationships, so that one day, if you weren't okay for some reason, you have somewhere to go, where you really feel good about going, where somebody can take you in and say, Rest here. I've got you. That's not a failing. That's actually something you've invested in for yourself.

SPEAKER_00: 11:02

I actually think that the new wealth is in self-regulation. I think that as we increase our capacity to be with, we are definitely wealthy. And yes, absolutely. I think that it is extremely wealthy to have relationships to lean on and have that sort of like spelunker person or people in your corner that have you and back you. But I feel that that is great when you need it and it's great as a bonus. But for me and the clients that I hold, I'm always like, let's make sure you've got you. Maybe you don't have you today. We'll have all these, you know, stand-ins or resources to get you resourced. Like these resources that we call on to get you resourced. But I understand that I guess I'm gonna slow down here. I feel like in society, this is one of those topics where it's like, how independent are we? Like we're hyper-independent. We're not big, we're not part of community. We we used to be live in a village. We depended on other people. And I think that a village and a community is strongest when, yes, you help one another. And if you had to, you could also hold yourself. Because there's a specific energetic when we're all leaning on each other. It's like everybody's wobbly versus when we're all grounded and we help each other. It's not the same wobble.

SPEAKER_01: 12:33

Amen. I'm total agreement with you. I'm not saying that you should lean on others instead of yourself at all.

SPEAKER_00: 12:40

Oh, I wasn't thinking you were saying that. Oh, okay. You said I think you said this. And I was like, yeah, I think relationship is great, but the actual phrase that I use is like, you know, the new wealth is definitely more of like the self-regulating, self-capacity building because that is so priceless. And it's also a lot easier to have, like having great friends and great connection and great community, that takes some time to build. You got to find the people, be on the same page, like the same things, go to the same places, have the same hobbies, love each other, get along. There's all these caveats. Versus when it's just you, you're like, oh, when they talk about my mother, I want to cause some violence. All right, let me go take a look at that. Like, note to self. I need to self-regulate what people talk about my mama or whatever it is that is like touchy, scratchy, itchy, like prickly inside of me. That means if I know how to be with all of myself and enjoy my own company, I can be anywhere with anyone and have a great time. If I am only feeling supported with these people under these circumstances, well, now I have all these conditions to my great time. Like I want to have a great time because I want to have a great time. I want to enjoy this life. It's very short and very long, and it's the only one I have. So I want to do the best with what I have. How do I get there? Right. And I think it's really easy to think that when you have money, all of those things happen. And it's false. And it's really, excuse me, it's very easy to think to yourself, if you're not in a place of financial abundance and financial abundance, that term is going to be different for everyone based on where you are. And let's be honest, we're human beings, we always want more. Who doesn't want more of whatever? Anything, insert thing, we want more. You think that if you have the money, right, all of the other things fall into place. Like, oh, you won't have to be uncomfortable. You know, you don't have to be in coach. You can be in first class, you don't have to eat the food you don't like. You can just buy food. Like, yes, money can help with conveniences, but it's just furthering or lessening the capacity that you have to be with discomfort versus when you increase the capacity inside of you, which is really, I think, what provides internal safety, then we're really looking at the real deal. Like we're really setting up a really strong foundation. That is a lot better than any New Year's resolution, any closure that had that was had, wasn't had, any new beginning, like you take you wherever you go, and the strength of you will just strengthen that moment or that next goal or that next season.

SPEAKER_01: 15:38

I would say, I would even argue that the more you are self-related and the more you can be with yourself, the better your relationships will be. I mean, goodness gracious, that's just true. And the more in alignment you are, the more money you'll have too. That's what Karen says.

SPEAKER_00: 15:57

Yeah, we can just invite each other to be in more alignment. And that will just be like alignment's all about choice, right? It is all about choice. Are we choosing? Like if I want to live a healthier lifestyle, am I choosing the healthy choices? If I want to live a strong lifestyle, am I choosing the activities that create a strong body? If I want to have, this is one of my goals, a strong retirement. Am I doing the things that need to be done in order to have that retirement? Or am I like, oh no, no? This I really need to buy this thing. I really need this luxury item, even though I'm not fully ready for retirement. Yeah, this luxury item, this is what I'm gonna do. That that would be out of alignment, right? Like it's not in alignment with what I say I'm doing or wanting. And this would be, I am gonna use one of Brenda's phrases, like it would be me not backing myself if I purchase the luxury item. Me backing myself is, oh no, this luxury item can wait. Not because today's Catherine has to suffer, but this is part of the effort that I'm putting into my choices so that I can continue to be in alignment, so that I can one step at a time get closer and closer to what I'm creating. And the universe says yes to our choices. Universe is not looking at morality like or value. Oh, this is a good thing for you to do, this is a bad thing for you to do, or this is no. The universe is like, oh, I see that you're always taking action from obligation. Let me just give you more obligation. I want the universe to say, oh, I see you're taking tons and tons of action towards funding your retirement. Let me give you more ways to fund your retirement. Like, that's what alignment looks like for me at this time. And there's a learning curve.

SPEAKER_01: 17:55

There is a learning curve to get into alignment with yourself. And there's a learning curve and a journey and a process in becoming the person who can have this desire that you want. So for you, you're talking about retirement. For me, I'm talking about vibrant well-being in my body, getting strong. And it is pushing me, it's it's stretching me in all of the ways because I need to be the person who's basically not going to eat that bread. Bread just it's not agreeing with me. And so I've taken it out, but I'm not quite the person who can look at bread and not eat it. So I make really good choices when I'm home. I don't have it in my home. You know, I'm making quinoa in the morning. I stock it in the fridge. I love to make over easy eggs with some spinach. I put it on quinoa. It's delicious. And one of the ways I back myself is by stocking quinoa in the fridge so I have it ready to go. Because I don't want to be boiling that shit every morning. So it's like, what are the choices that you can make each day to have what you want? And we hit it, and sometimes we don't hit it, and sometimes we have really long stretches where we're like, oh, this is great. You're you're on a roll, right? And then something might happen that takes you out. Maybe you go on vacation, there's a holiday, something happens in your life that you didn't expect, and you get thrown off your game. You could see that as a failure, and it might pause you on your journey of where you are. But you're not the same as where you were back then. You're a different version of yourself, time has passed, you've never been here before. What have you learned? What do you want? And how can you get back on the train? How can you get back in alignment? How can you make the choices that will back you in having the life that you want? Because you're the only one that can create it. You're the only one that can create it. If I say I want a A loaf of bread, my partner's gonna go out and buy it. He just is because he wants to fulfill my desires. We celebrate Shabbat every Friday night. When he says, Oh, do you want hala this week? I have to be the woman to say no, even though it's so good. I'm like, no, don't buy the hala, because I want to lather the butter on it. And I don't have any judgment on that. It's great. Give me some good old hala with butter, but I'm realizing that it my body actually feels better without it. So I need to be the woman that says, thanks, honey, but no thanks. And that is sometimes hard. And then to do that every week and to do that every day in some form. It takes self-responsibility and it takes holding of yourself and takes self-awareness. You have to know yourself. And you have to know all your little tricks. All your little tricks. Well, he asked what I he asked if I wanted it. And I love to practice the game of receiving, a little new age one. So I said yes. And there I am, slathering butter on bread, feeling like shit the next day.

SPEAKER_00: 21:10

That's such a great example. Bread and butter is one of my favorite things. It's so hard to say no. I love, love, love when you said your insides have to match your outsides, right? Like how we invest. And I think as a society, we invest a lot on the outside. And we don't spend that much time thinking about the inside. And I would say that in this realm of false sense of security, and how do we get stronger on the inside is that we know that as we are creating more self-regulation, as we are increasing our capacity to be with difficulty, as we are focusing on being in alignment, we will be practicing the age-old saying of one step forward, two step back. And it's not that the stepbacks aren't going to happen. They will. I know that we've talked about it from the lens of like failure, or okay, we're we're just taking another cruise around that spot for the second time. We're sort of different, we're arriving at the same circumstance, but as a different human. But how can we plan for that step back? Like, we don't always look at the cost, right? So I love how you said, well, when he asked me, do you want this? And you're like, hmm, this is a great time for me to exercise my desire, my art, the art of receiving my desire, asking for it. It's also a great time to exercise you backing yourself, right? And it's also a lot easier to back yourself when you had already thought about, oh, when he asked me if I want this bread, I understand that that is the cost of what I'm looking for right now, which is to have less bread for whatever the reasons are. It's like we can anticipate the things we have to give up. Like we kind of know what we have the things that we have to give up in order to have the things that we want. We know what we have to do on the inside, in our noggin, in our brain, we understand what is required of us on the inside so that we can then have the things that we want on the outside. And that's really the thing that we're inviting you to talk to think about today. Like, where are you giving yourself a false sense of security? Where do you feel secure? Because you have the house, the home, the job, the title, the friends, the family, the children. And where can you say to yourself, oh, I've got me in all of these areas, even if those all of those circumstances changed, I have still got me. Because there's something to be said. If at the end of the day, everybody for whatever reason isn't available, you have got you.

SPEAKER_01: 24:20

What are you thinking about? Thinking about how good that feels to know. I feel like I've put in the work at this point in my journey that I do trust myself. And I don't have all of my desires. I don't, I'm not exactly where I want to be in all the areas. But I have the embodiment, I have the self-trust, I have the connections, I know how to work with myself, and I've really invested in that a lot of money, a lot of time, a lot of energy. And I'm grateful for that. And I want to go back to something you said before because you said, you know, we have to give things up sometimes. And then the other way to look at it is that we can add things in. I'm gonna go back into the weeds for a minute because I do love the weeds. We invested in a juicer, a brand new juicer. It's like shiny and beautiful. And then every week it's investing in all the vegetables that we want to juice for this health journey that we're on. And it's it's pretty big investment of time and energy and money. It really is. And then my partner's like toothbrushing. The juicer comes with this like special, it looks like a toothbrush, and you're like cleaning the juicer. We drink the juice, and every morning I'm washing all the vegetables. But we add that in. And I think that it's easier to add things in that you want, and then the other things can melt away a little bit. So, one big thing that we talk about a lot here, and we have a couple of episodes on it, go back a few episodes. This is the Catherine and Brenda magic. What is your true yes and no? That is one of the easiest, best ways to get into alignment with yourself. What is your true yes and your true no? Are you speaking it? Are you honoring yourself in that way? One of the best ways to get into alignment and one of the easiest ways to practice getting into alignment with yourself. You could do that all day long. There are so many opportunities that come across your desk that you can say yes or no to and ask yourself, is this true? Am I answering honestly? Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00: 26:46

I the first thought I had was I don't want to wash vegetables all every day or clean the juicer. So I get that we're adding things in. And for me, I would be like, okay, I'm gonna be juicing every day. And I have to understand that this is the time that I have to invest, that's part of the cost. Washing the veggies is part of the cost, right? Because I have said this is something that I want. I want to introduce one last thing to this before we close, which is I really wanted to talk about security because so many people talk about safety. I don't feel safe. I didn't feel safe in that space. I don't feel safe in this conversation, I don't feel safe at this job. I don't feel, and I'm not saying that, you know, airplanes don't fall and people don't get into accidents and we don't have terminal illness. I think when I think of safety, I think that that is what safety is to me. Or I fell, I hit my head, and that was my last breath. Those are like unsafe moments in time when we are gone, like when death has arrived. But when we're just uncomfortable in a situation, like how about we grow capacity? Like that's a great sign. If you're feeling unsafe in your body, if you feel like, oh, something's happening, it's a great time to pause and reflect on what is air quotes wrong. Where are my spidey senses going up? And what, if anything, do I have to look at in myself so that I can address it here first? I can address the inside so I can start seeing the change on the outside. I know that for me, this was one of the things that I had to work on. I had to increase my capacity to feel safe. I have a really high hyper-vigilant, like I'm hyper-vigilant. And in some places, I guess just like a few episodes back, in some places I had to just remind myself like there's no danger here. There's no line here, there's no like live electric wires near the pool. Like, I'm fine. No electrician, electrician, no, I can't say it. No electrocution coming along quickly. It's all okay. Like the fears are in my mind. And often when we have fear and we feel unsafe and not secure, it's because there are tons of unknowns. Like fear lives and screams really loud when we don't have enough information, right? I think of the the littles when they're like, There's monsters under my bed, and you're like, look under the bed to make sure there's no monsters under the bed. We have monsters in all these different places where we have to be like, is it really a monster? Is it not a monster? And can I face my monsters? Can I face the dragons? Can I face the demons? And bring more, I want to say clarity, but that's not quite the word. I think when we can define something, really see it for what it is, it's less scary. When we're worried about the unseen, unknown, super scary. But when we can bring it into the light and just see it and feel it and accept it for what it is, and ask ourselves, what do I need here in order to feel good, secure, like I've got it. We can feel a lot more secure in ourselves. Like I've got this.

SPEAKER_01: 30:42

Thank you for adding that in. That reminds me of another piece of wisdom that we always point to on this podcast, which is slowing down. In order to do what you're talking about, you need to be able to slow down and assess. If you're on the hamster wheel, going, going, going, it's really hard to ask yourself that question because you're really in survival mode. But if you can slow down and look at it and say, well, what do I need here? And we could do that in every moment while we're breathing, there's more possibility available. And in order to have our desires, we are always increasing our capacity. Always increasing our capacity. So when something's challenging, you can look at it as it's challenging. You can be victimized by it for sure. Or you can say, oh, the universe is trying to give me what I want, and I'm being grown here. I'm being grown and stretched so that I can have my desire. You're becoming the person who can have it. You're becoming more embodied in that way. And especially increasing your capacity to be with the unknown. I think that's a really big one, especially if we're talking about security and safety in yourself and following your desire. How can you be okay with the unknown?

SPEAKER_00: 32:14

And that's it. I mean, that's some of the biggest, I guess, posts along the road, the biggest signs. Normally we will feel safest when we are financially stable or financially secure in some way, even if it's a false sense of security. We think we have this job, title, money in the bank, and therefore all is good, knowing good and well that all of that could be wiped for various reasons. We think that the materials we have, house, car, maybe friendships, et cetera, like we lean on those things. And I would say we have to sort of lean on ourselves and then just enjoy those things more. Like our own ability to be with ourselves and self-regulate and increase our capacity. That is the safest place to be. In our own power, always seeing where we have our power and what we are responsible for so that we can continue to grow into the people that we want to grow into, so that we can have the desires that we want to grow into, because we're looking to live big lives. That's what desire is all about, right? Like, what's the next thing and the next thing? Your soul just wants to live and expand and grow. And the best way to provide the ecosystem for that is to have the ability to be with yourself, to slow down, to regulate, to have got yourself. That's the sweet spot. Everyone else and everything else is just a bonus. So we are inviting you to really audit your security and your sense of safety. Like what would provide you more a feeling of being more safe within yourself? And where do you need to check yourself on the places where you feel really secure and it's outside of you? Like it's a circumstance. We'd love this for you. Thank you so much for joining us tonight.

SPEAKER_01: 34:38

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

SPEAKER_00: 34:42

Desire invites us to be honest, loving, and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.