140 ~ How to "Digest" Difficult Experiences

A bad meal, a ruined trip, a relationship ending, a fall down the stairs, a harsh comment you can’t stop replaying. The moment passes, but something stays. We call it undigested negative life, and it’s the hidden reason disappointment can turn into a full-blown identity story like “I’m unchosen,” “I’m not loved,” or “This always happens to me.” 

We’re Brenda and Catherine, and we’re inviting you into a real, grounded conversation about emotional processing, nervous system regulation, and the spiritual practice of taking responsibility for our desire. We unpack how undigested experiences create distortion, why overthinking is not the same as integration, and how overcorrecting can look like shutting down, blaming, withdrawing, or trying to force a lesson before you’ve even felt the hurt. 

You’ll hear practical tools for digesting what happened without making it mean you need a whole new life: slowing down, acknowledging sensations in the body, debriefing with honesty, asking what you can adjust next time, and also naming the moments when there’s nothing to “fix” because life is simply life. We talk emotional hangovers, repeating stories that signal resentment, and when it might be time to get support from a therapist, coach, or trusted friend who can help you see what your own filter can’t. 

We talk through undigested negative life and why disappointment hurts most when we turn it into a story about our worth. We share ways to slow down, feel what’s true, and choose how the experience gets to live inside us.  

Episode Bullets:
• defining undigested negative life as pain plus stuck meaning  
• noticing distortion like “I’m unlovable” or “I’m unchosen”  
• spotting overcorrection through shutting down, blaming, or avoiding  
• debriefing what happened with time and space  
• feeling sensations first instead of hot-potato reactions  
• asking what to adjust next time and what to accept  
• deciding who we want to be in discomfort  
• naming emotional hangovers from oversharing or moving too fast  
• using walks, food, movement, and attention shifts for integration  
• getting perspective from friends and seeking professional support when needed  
• recognising resentment through repeated stories and recurring patterns  

If you’ve been stuck in a loop, we hope this helps you come back to homeostasis and feel lighter on the other side.

Transcript

Meet The Hosts And The Theme

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life, motherhood, relationships, and my business. Desire has taken me on quite a ride, and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher, turned coach and guide of the feminine.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married, I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of Tired and Wired, and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker, and a forever student.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners, on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

What Undigested Disappointment Does

Everyday Examples And Taking Responsibility

SPEAKER_01 1:12

On the Desire is Medicine podcast, we talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked. Being responsible for our desire. Brenda and I truly went down a rabbit hole. Well, actually, Brenda and I go down rabbit holes all the time. We're in conversation and we're like chatty chatty, which is great. I love that we have a podcast. We get to do it more often, more often than not, and we get to share it with you, which is absolutely fantastic. What a joy it has been, truly, for me to create this podcast. I can't say it enough. The ability to share about desire, the ability to share about things that I don't really feel are top of mind in society, and that I would love it if they were, is truly a joy. Just thank you so much for being here. Thank you, Brenda, for being here. Today we're going to be talking about undigested life, but specifically, not just undigested life, because undigested life is heavy enough, but undigested negative life. Like undigested disappointment. There are plenty of times that we experience life and we're just disappointed. Disappointed. How easy is it for us when we're disappointed to just say F them, F this, on to the next. I can say that, and I have definitely said it. I've ever I've also said things like, F you, watch me. I don't know why I'm trying to be so PG on here, considering I curse curse all the time, but whatever. Today's a different day. Often when we have undigested negative life, it can turn to distortion. We make it mean something about us, and instead of just digesting the experience, we become unlovable, we become unchosen. And we tend to be quiet about it in our own closet, just spewing in our own discomfort. Undigested life can feel like too much of goodness, like I was full, like a ripe peach. Undigested negative life tends to have a hurt, an ouchy, a disappointment, a rejection, some kind of conflict. Maybe I got embarrassed, maybe I said too much, maybe I drank too much, maybe I got into something that was not my business, and I said something to someone. It feels heavy, but a different kind of heavy. Not like heavy in your belly, like you're full from life. You're like, ugh. We tend to just sit in the negative experience and start saying things like this always happens to me. Or I can't trust people, I'm not loved. And then we tend to overcorrect. Like, I'm never gonna give my opinion then, or fuck them, I'm not going there anymore. Or I just shut down, I avoid it all. Like undigested pain tends to have us sit and look at our behavior. We overthink to feel better, or we want to just move on quickly. We try to find that lesson immediately. But we tend to overall just like skip the digestion and lock the meaning that we gave it in place. But instead, we can debrief. We can look at what happened, not from a fray frame of trying to erase the experience, but we get to choose how it lives inside of us, and we need some space to do that. The negative experience is not the problem. What we make it mean is the problem. And since we're talking about undigested life, it's like how we label this undigested life is the problem. Undigested meaning is the problem. It's not what happened, it's what's staying with us undigested, that's continuing to run inside of us that trips us up. Our ability to feel it, process it, and choose to process it in a way that gives us a leg up. That's gonna be like that's where the juice is gonna be. We don't need a new life now because of what happened. We just need to digest this one that we have. Brenda.

Digest First Then Decide What To Do

SPEAKER_00 6:52

Oh my god, you reminded me just now in this last thing that you said when I was in middle school, well, it was called junior high at the time. I I was had a hard time socially. Like I had my friends, but I was also getting bullied. And my response to that was I asked my mother, can we move? I was like, Can we move? I meant it with every bone in my body. I was like, can we just move? Of course, I was a kid and have a lot of love for her, but like we can't just like get a new life, right? We have to deal with the one we have. Anyway, giving a lot of love to little Brenda in junior high school. Love her so much. Yeah, like life doesn't always go the way we want, right? We make plans and we do the best that we can, but we do sometimes have negative experiences. So I just want to give a couple of examples of what those things might be, just to like bring it down. Very simply, maybe you went to a restaurant and you hated it. That sucked, or you hated the food that you got. That sucked. Maybe you went on vacation and like everything went wrong. Your luggage was missing and the place wasn't nice, like whatever it was, like it wasn't what you expected, or you didn't have a good time, or somebody drank too much and ruined your time. Or you thought they ruined it. Maybe you had a relationship that ended, right? That could be painful. That didn't go the way you planned. You didn't go into that relationship hoping it would end badly, or a career. Maybe you had a job that didn't go well. Just last week, I was walking out the door and I slipped down steps. I slipped down five steps. Didn't plan on that. So life does not always go the way we plan. Hopefully we have all wonderful experiences in life, but that's just not the way it goes. That's not my experience. We're here to grow, we're here to learn. And so life gives us opportunities. I love me a good opportunity. So we can either, when things come in and they don't go our way, we can either make it wrong or we can learn from it in some way. So if something didn't go as planned, there's really an opportunity to ask yourself, sit with it. Instead of just reacting quickly and blaming everybody else. There's usually some responsibility that we could take in there. Acknowledge, first of all, before you even do that, like let's just acknowledge it, like say just sit with the disappointment or the grief or the anger, whatever wants to be felt without doing anything about it. Like we want to hot potato that by calling the restaurant and telling them off or giving them a bad Yelp review. But we could just sit with that and acknowledge any feelings or the sensations in your body that want to be felt. That's a really big piece. And then just giving it some time to slow down in your system. You can ask yourself, what could I have done differently? Or what could have been done differently? What could be adjusted so that this doesn't happen again? Because I don't want to fall down those steps again. I overbooked myself, I overbooked my calendar. I was moving very quickly. I was rushing out the door. I was late when one of my values is to be on time. So I was not in integrity with myself. And I was wearing my slippers going down those steps. I mean, there's so much there, right? So I have a lot of things that I can make adjustments for for next time because I don't want that to happen again. And I'm really proud of myself because I didn't beat myself up. A lot of times in the past, I've had experiences a car accident, or I yelled at my kids, or I didn't some I didn't say something so great. It didn't come out so great to a friend. And I could beat myself up. And that doesn't really help. The beating yourself up is just a sign like, oh, you wished you did something different. So instead of beating yourself up, you could just ask yourself, what would I do different next time? Acknowledge that. Sit with it. And then you can move on. Any thoughts on any of that?

SPEAKER_01 11:34

The thought that came to mind was when you said, Oh, I don't like how that went. What could I do differently next time? When we're talking about relationships, we could also ask, like, is there something I can do now?

unknown 11:49

Right?

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Like, is there something I can do now? But I wouldn't encourage anybody to do something now before it's digested. And when we're thinking about digesting, digestion, undigested life, especially a negative experience, something that was disappointing, we tend to overthink or story spiral. We make it mean things. I was thinking about another example of undigested life is like an emotional hangover. That can happen sometimes when we are with people we've never met before. And we're like, oh, I overshared somewhere. I wish I didn't do that. And then there's this sort of like, I want to close off now and hide, or I want to numb myself from that experience. I've had tons of things happen recently because of going too fast. I also injured myself recently while dancing. I also fell the other day. And I think that for me it could have been that I just was experiencing a lot of joy. But with this digestion that happened, I did something, I digested the time, and there was no real thing to change. I I didn't there wasn't anything, oh, I could do this part differently, or I could I have this thing to change. So digestion for me in that case looked like who do I want to be in this with this discomfort? How do I want to show up for myself? And one of the ways that I walked through that experience was I'm going to show up powerfully for myself. So that meant I was going to take care of myself. I was going to go to the physical therapist, I was going to go to the chiropractor, massage therapist to handle the fall and the injury. I tend to, it could be because I'm a life coach, want to look at what thinking or what did I do to get me here. It's not always the best use of my time because life is life and it's not always going to be great. 50%, at the very least, or maybe I could say max, 50% of the time, it's just not going to go the way we want it to go. It's life. It's not pretend, it's not a movie. We're living it. So there will be things that we love and things that we do not love. And when life happens that we don't love, we want to be able to digest it well for ourselves, be able to gain the wisdom from it. And sometimes it's just another practice opportunity. How do I want to show up with this negative experience or what I frame to be a negative experience? Because it's just my story. For someone else, it may not be such a big deal. I do want to recognize that Brenda and I do have a certain amount of privilege. We do live in the United States, right? Like we might we may have some of our problems might be champagne problems. Some of our undigested life might be champagne undigested life. And who do we want to be in that? Do we want to be bratty and like throwing tantrums? Or do we want to sort of digest so that we can come back to homeostasis? That's what comes up.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

It's such a great question. Who do I want to be in this? I mean, sometimes we didn't do anything wrong. Right? You could be driving your car on the parkway, and somebody just comes out of nowhere and hits you. And there might be literally nothing you could have done different besides just stay home that day, but we're not going to do that. Sometimes shit happens and it sucks. Right? Then what? You can digest that too. And you don't even have to make it wrong. You might be angry at that guy. Yeah, you should let out that anger to a friend or however you do it. Well, maybe not however you do it. Maybe that's the point. Like if that was me, I would do some writing about it. I would talk to probably all of my friends about it and digest it with all of my friends. And the great thing about that is that in my circle of friends, Catherine included, they're all really different and I get different pieces from different people, which is great. I'm so abundant in that way. But sometimes we just need to sit with something and give it time to integrate through our system. So what I do in those cases is I ask myself, is there something that I could adjust for next time? How would I do it differently next time? Or like you said, Catherine, what could I do right now? Who do I want to be right now in this situation? And then do what you can. There's certain actions that you might be able to take right now. And there might be things that you just kind of putting in your pocket for next time. Both of those might be true as well. And then I really like to take my attention off of it in a way. Make myself really good food, go on a walk, go to the gym, go visit a friend, go to the movies, do something different. Just take your attention off of it. And for me, going and doing that different thing allows it time to integrate in my body. So I'm like thinking about it, but my direct attention isn't on that. I'm moving on and it's digesting in my body. And it's just a little magic trick that I have. Because sometimes you just do need to move on and let the body digest it on its own.

Tools To Process And Integrate

SPEAKER_01 18:02

I'm thinking about two things based on that. One is that a clear flag for me of that there is some form of life undigested, whether it's a positive experience or a negative experience, is that somewhere I can tell I'm having difficulty staying present to my life in this moment. And you touched on something great, which is when we have to sort of put something down. Maybe it was something so big, like where you're saying to yourself, not today, not right now. It's not something I could really digest right now. Maybe going for a walk or change of scenery, change of action, so that you can just put it down. Maybe it's not something that you can physically pick back up or emotionally or mentally pick back up for now. And maybe it just stays back there and you're gonna look at it another time. That's okay too. But we want to make sure that that's a conscious choice. Not that we're just going so fast that we never really make that decision for ourselves and that we don't really pause. For me, when I've had a negative experience and I need to be with something, the easiest way for me to do that is to slow down. Talk to my circle, like you said. Definitely talk to my friends. I also have friends that have different perspectives, which is great. It's really needed and necessary. Because my filter is my filter. I can't see what I can't see. Other people can see other things. Especially when it's about us. We're not always the best judge when we're looking at ourselves. Because there are so many things that are just outside of the mind's eye, like outside of our peer view. We don't really see them. They're not in our filters. If I were to boil this down, it's like, where in our lives are we still holding on to something maybe that has gone undigested that maybe we may want to put attention on. Maybe it's through writing, maybe it's through talking to a friend, maybe it's a voice note to yourself on your iPhone so you can listen to it. Maybe it's to a voice journal. Maybe it's you decide that you're going to think about what occurred, and maybe you're going to go for a walk in nature while you replay the story in your mind to see if you can have a clearer, clearer um path around it, clearer purview, clearer picture. Maybe it means you're going to run. Maybe you need some cardio with it. If you're going to do cardio with it, I definitely suggest a track because when we're trying to muster up emotional things, we don't want to like trip and fall and like down rocks or anything like that. So try to make it as contained, the movement as possible. Maybe it means that it's time for you to seek support around the negative constant, you know, experience. I think a therapist, psychiatrist, a coach, someone that can witness you if needed. And you only you can judge that. Like only you know. Is there anything else that I would add to this episode?

SPEAKER_00 21:35

I could tell when somebody is stuck in a negative experience. Or I am, when they're repeating the same story over time. Do you have any people in your life and they're just constantly telling you the same story over and over and over again?

SPEAKER_01 21:53

That's a sign, people. You mean you're hearing the same story over and over again, but with different characters in it and potentially slightly different. Circumstances.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

All of it. Some people just have the same story over and over again with different names and faces. Some people have the same story about Uncle Lester, who did that thing in 1997, whatever. I mean, there's a time to just let it go, but that's how you know you're stuck in the experience. You haven't digested it. You're you have a resentment. A resentment is a rescending thought, a thought that is rescending through your mind. That's how you know. And it's a sign that you're stuck.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

I'm thinking about the experiences, like when there's an uncle Lester, and then there was Tom that did the same thing, and then Harry did the same thing, and then Gary did the same thing, and you're just constantly retelling the story, but there are different characters. But the listener can hear it and you're like, oh, why does this always happen to me? And the other person might have some insight. Totally.

SPEAKER_00 22:59

Totally. Yeah. So don't go around telling other people that they don't have a digested life. If you spot it, you got it. What stories are you telling? Where are you stuck? What might need some digesting in your life? That's what we're pointing to here. Specifically when things don't go your way, right? That vacation that you really were looking forward to, and then it sucked. What didn't go well? And Catherine and I sometimes have podcast episodes that we've recorded and we're like, wow, that I don't know, that didn't really feel so good. And we'll talk about it and we delete them. We've only done it a few times. But we've deleted a few. We've really only deleted a small handful of them because that's really just abundant. Like there's no scarcity. We could just do another one. But we learn from it. We're like, oh, what didn't quite go so well here? And what do we want to do next time?

SPEAKER_01 24:04

I love that example. I mean, that's I think the best part of that, and hopefully Brenda and I will teach on this sometime, is that we do a debrief. Like we actually pause and look at all the different factors that had us hit the delete button, or all the different factors that had us hit publish, right? Ultimately, we want to provide you with episodes that we feel are full of wisdom and growth and that help you become the woman that gets to have her desire. Or if you're a man on listening, hey, thank you for thank you for tuning in. Ultimately, we want to deliver to you something that is useful. And on this episode, we're talking about how do you digest something that was experienced that was a negative experience where you felt hurt, disappointed, rejected, maybe you had conflict and it feels really heavy. Where maybe you're making it mean something, maybe you mean making it mean you're not chosen, or this or you're getting stuck on this always happens to me, or I can't trust people, and you try to overcorrect or withdraw. And we're saying there is ultimately no right way, but you're wanting to feel lighter on the other side of the digestion. So what's going to get you there? Is it writing? Is it walking? Is it finding support somewhere? Maybe that it means that there's an action for you to take to course correct. Maybe there isn't. But take the time to be with yourself and figure it out, no matter how it looks. Know that Brenda and I have got you. We see you and we've been there. Thank you so much for tuning in. Until next time.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

SPEAKER_01 26:04

Desire invites us to be honest, loving, and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.