142 ~ Make Space To Receive

If you keep asking for more but it never quite lands, the issue might not be your desire. It might be your capacity to receive.

We’re going deep on a simple practice: digesting your experiences so the body, mind, and spirit has somewhere to put the good stuff. When we rush past moments, multitask through them, or stay “full” of undigested stress and emotion, there’s no room for a compliment to sink in, for love to feel safe, or for an opportunity to arrive without panic. We break down the difference between getting something externally and receiving it internally, including the tiny phrases that leaks your receiving like “thank you, ..."BUT"…” and the patterns behind them: nervous system overload, distrust, conditioning to minimize, and identity mismatch.

We also talk about why over giving turns into control, why that creates resentment at home, and how boundaries and spaciousness can become a real spiritual practice. You’ll hear practical examples like avoiding double-booking, building recovery time into your calendar, and choosing presence over phone-scrolling so you can actually receive healing, connection, nature, and the life you’re already living.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Desire Matters

SPEAKER_02 0:07

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life, motherhood, relationships, and my business. Desire has taken me on quite a ride, and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher, turned coach and guide of the feminine.

SPEAKER_02 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married, I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of Tired and Wired, and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker, and a forever student.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners, on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Digesting Life Creates Space

Receiving Is An Inner Skill

Why Goodness Feels Vulnerable

SPEAKER_02 1:12

On the Desire is Medicine podcast, we talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked, being responsible for our desire. Brenda and I are excited to deliver today's podcast episode. When are we not excited? We have gone down the rabbit hole of digestion, of like what it means to digest your experiences, both when life is full and you're ripe from all the goodness that has happened, and also like what it feels like to digest a negative experience. Digesting in itself is a skill. It will take some refining, you refining what feels good to you, what helps you to slow down, what helps you to register what's happened in the body. There's a piece of this that we have actually put to the side, that we put to the side on purpose so that we could really get into it. Which is it's really hard for something new to land if you're full. If you have undigested life experiences and they're sort of sitting in your system, your energetic system, or even in your body. How does something new come? Like there's no space for this new thing to land in your life. I've heard a lot of therapists talk about the parked car. Like you can't get a new car and park in that spot if there's already something parked in that spot. Something like that. When we're processing life, we're digesting it. When we're reaping the reward and the benefit, we're receiving it. So a lot of times we're like, oh, I don't want to be with that pain if it was negative. Or I just want to get on to the next fantastic thing. But we need space in our minds, in our bodies, in our energetic field for something new to come in. So we say we want more, but can we actually receive more? And I will argue today that the more you learn to digest, the easier it's going to be for you to receive. The more practice you have in digesting, the more skillfully you will be able to receive, the more that you practice digesting the good and the bad. So you let something land, you allow it to register, you allow yourself to be with what you experienced, versus, I'm going to give some examples of how we don't do that. Somebody gives you a compliment and you deflect it versus absorb it. You have an opportunity come in and you're like panicked versus allowing it. We panic, maybe we're thinking, like, how do I make this, how do I show up perfect here? Just allowing things to happen and unfold naturally. And one of the bigger ones is sometimes there's a love interest that shows up and we're too busy questioning something versus just trusting it. So getting something is the external part, receiving it as an internal job. So you get the compliment, can you really receive the compliment? You get the opportunity, but can you really receive the opportunity? Can you really receive the love? Sometimes we're blocked because our nervous system isn't available for it. Maybe we're jacked from something else. Nervous system is like, nope. Sometimes it's because we distrust, uh-oh, this is not gonna last. This is not real. Maybe it's an identity match issue. You don't see yourself as that person. Somebody says, oh wow, you look so beautiful today. And you're like, I'm not beautiful. It contradicts an idea you have of yourself. And sometimes it's just conditioning, right? We deflect, we minimize, we want to stay humble. Somebody says, Oh, you look beautiful, and I'm like, oh, but did you see how beautiful Brenda is? Or oh, you look beautiful, oh my God, you should have seen me yesterday. Oh, you look beautiful, oh that's really nice of you to say. Like all the ways that we deflect, minimize, and stay humble. Versus Brenda and I talk about this all the time. Let's make it real. You can say thank you. But what we really say is, thank you, but oh, it was nothing. I just got lucky. And this is often how we leak our receiving. Just like we had it and then it just went through our fingers the minute we said but. It just went through our fingers the minute that I said it's nothing, or I got lucky. So if we don't digest our experiences, they're sort of just sitting out there, not fully received. So if if we're full, nothing can land. But let's make believe that we don't have any undigested life. Let's make believe that we have already digested. Now, what are we gonna do? How are we gonna receive this? Well, our age-old, age old, our old, our tried and true phrase here is we slow down, we let it register, no rushing, and we're gonna allow the edge of receiving often feels vulnerable, exposing, you feel naked, undeserved, uncomfortable. Like receiving can feel confronting. So let's talk about some practical ways to receive. Let's notice when goodness happens. We are so we talked about this on the podcast so many times. Like, we're so good at like scanning the room for the negative things. Like, can we get better at scanning for the good? Pausing so we can fully be with what the good thing that's happening, letting it land, and staying with it just a few more seconds than normal. It's gonna help us build more capacity, definitely more satisfaction. We'll feel more grounded and maybe even less chasey. Like we don't have to constantly be going after what we want. Often, when we can receive what we already have, we can stop grasping for what's next. So let's talk about it. Where in our lives are we not letting things fully land? We can practice receiving small things today and helping us build the capacity for it. But fully receiving is a whole thing, Brenda. Right? It is a whole thing.

Overgiving Turns Into Control

SPEAKER_01 9:04

She's like, it's a whole thing, right? It's such a funny thing that we do as women blocking our own receiving. Because, like you said, it's really vulnerable to receive. Because in receiving something, you are letting yourself be seen. You're giving up control. And let's face it, control feels good until it doesn't. It's actually not as good as receiving and being surprised if you're attuned to that. If you're receiving, you're creating a space for your emotions to come through. And that could be really vulnerable. Maybe you don't want to or you're not comfortable with what emotions might arise. So it's easier to just say, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, put that down over there or block it in some way. Somebody gives you a gift or a compliment. You're not in the giving position. And we're so used to, as women, being in the giving position. And we are natural givers. We are caregivers, we are life givers, we are lovers, we are meal givers, and we are good at it. And it's necessary in our families and in our life. It's a it's a gift that we have. But when it tips over into overgiving, overdoing, chasing, controlling, producing, your systems jacked up for whatever reason. Too much scrolling, too much technology, too much doing. These are all ways that we block our own receiving, and it gets out of balance. Our ability to receive is out of balance because we're in an overgiving position. That's when it blocks our receiving. And right in that spot is where women get really pissed off. Because we're like, why is he not helping with the kids? I'm the only one who can change the diaper. Why does nobody empty the dishwasher? That whole line of thinking. If we're controlling and we need things done in a certain way at a certain time, well, eventually other people around us are we we're just creating them to be dumb and incompetent with our criticism and our control. And eventually people are gonna stop. And in that space is where we're just, well, I have to do everything. And there's like a comfortable discomfort there. We get really comfortable with our discomfort, where it actually just feels good in a way because all our other friends are doing it, and that's how we relate to everyone around us by complaining about how our partners don't do enough and our kids don't do enough. Now that's our social circle. So it just gets really messy and muddy. And there is a way out. You can get out of that trap, and it is a trap because it's not a happy life. You're miserable, you're complaining, you're not having what you want. And the funny thing about it in my own life, when I've seen this kind of thing happen, is the people around me, or say my partner wants to give this to me, but I'm doing some kind of dark magic trick to block it.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Like it's right there, you know, it's right there. And I'm saying, no, no, no, don't give me this thing that I want.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

So we can change it. And that's exactly why we're talking about this today. Because our listeners are people who want more in their lives, and we're just so committed to talking about all the ways that we block ourselves because there's a lot of juice there.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

I love when you talk about this is like the idea of some kind of dark magic that has it be that you don't get what you want. Makes me think of the manifestation talks. I know we don't talk about that sort of thing, but that everything you want wants you back. And that the only reason why you may have not have that is because something's in the way. Right. And I think it's really hard to find what's in the way. It's not an easy Easter hunt. It is not. It's so much harder to find what's in the way of you fully having what you want or fully receiving what you want than it is to look at what do I want and what has to be true for me to receive it. So trying to think of what would be a good example of that in real time. I have wanted to be set for retirement. I'll use that example. I've talked about that a few times on this podcast. I could easily go down all the spiritual hallways of, I don't know, I'm thinking of genetic coding. I'm thinking of down my maternal or paternal lines. Why is that the case? Why am I not ready? Oh, they weren't ready to retire. I could go through all of those things. Or I could ask myself, what is a really small thing that I could to do, I get to do to get me a little closer to that? And for me, it was can I just know where my money's going in and out? And one step at a time become closer and closer to being the kind of woman that gets to receive a comfortable retirement. That was a really big and broad example. I'm trying to think of a smaller example. Someone says, I love that dress on you. And let's make believe I don't love the dress. I get to say thank you. Or say thank you, and I actually don't love this dress. Like, can I just be the person that says thank you? Can I fully receive that this person loved it? And that's all that's needed in order for me to say thank you. Let's use that same example and let's make believe that they said they love the dress, but I don't believe that they love the dress. Can I still just say thank you and not have to question whether or not this person is being genuine or question whether or not I I believe them? Like, can that just leave the room? Can I just receive the compliment about the dress? Do you have any thoughts on that or examples?

Small Steps That Unblock Receiving

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Yeah, those are really great examples. There's so many ways that we block our own receiving of having what we want. So an example that comes to mind is you have something that you're really excited about to do over the weekend, right? You schedule this weekend event. And then you double book yourself. Somebody else says, Oh, I'm coming to town and I'd really like to see you. Instead of saying, I would love to see you, but I have plans. I can't really accommodate that this weekend. You say yes, and now you're double booked. Now we all have different systems and different capacities. So some some people could really do that and pull it off. I can't. I I definitely can't, and I never have been able to. That's just the way my system is. So God bless you if that's you and you're great. And I would even argue that eventually you're going to crash. But for the sake of this conversation, you just double booked yourself for this thing that you were really looking forward to. So you wanted this experience, you created it, and now you're actually not available for it. You just blocked your own experience. And we do things like that all the time. We've been really talking about calendar lately behind the scenes, Catherine and I, and and even in some episodes, it's come in, like how to set up your calendar to really have the life that you want, which is definitely different for all of us. But calendaring and scheduling and creating spaciousness is one way to really receive your life. I need a lot of space in my calendar. So my daughter's coming for the weekend. I have Monday calendared off. It's booked. I don't have anything to do except digest, rest, do whatever I want to do. But having that day bookmarked for myself is important. It's how I'm going to fully receive the experience of my daughter visiting for the weekend. That matters to me. And then I'm able to show up for the rest of my week so much better for my clients and podcasting and my partner because I've given myself the time to digest the experience to fully receive it. Because we're not just receiving an experience in the moment that you're having it. You get married. It's not just your wedding day. There's so much more to receive than just those few hours. There's so much more to it. So we need time to process this. And that is one huge way that I've learned to have and receive more of what I want, which these things are the opposite of overdoing, producing, chasing, and controlling. It's like spaciousness and it's it's a it's a gift.

Calendars That Support Spaciousness

SPEAKER_02 19:49

Let's talk about how when you create spaciousness, sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes you made space for something and for whatever reason things don't fall into place. And then next time you don't want to create that much space because you're like, oh, that other time, I just had all this space with nothing to do and nothing to fill it. I think it's really easy to adjust our lives based on things that have gone wrong. And I really want to encourage everyone to ask themselves, like, but what if it does work out? Like, what if everybody that you're gonna meet shows up? What if everything that you committed to is a yes and it's a go and it's a green light? And who do you have to be to fully receive it? So, an example that's coming to mind for me is let's make believe that I'm gonna go to a film festival. Do I really want to, on the days that I'm going to the film festival, watch films all day? Probably not. I'm not gonna be in the mood to watch this film that night. Or if I have a flight at six o'clock in the morning, means I have to be at the airport at four, means I have to leave my house at three. Is that the night that I want to stay up till one o'clock in the morning and give myself an hour, two hours of rest? Probably not, because I can't fully be present for my travel day. I probably won't be resourced for anything that may go wrong left or right. And would I even spot an opportunity if it showed itself, if I'm in that condition? Like, how could I really even see the opportunity? Can I even fully receive my environment when I have my AirPods in or my I'm listening to a podcast or anything? I tend to only have one pod in so that I could be alert in the world. So that I can see potential danger, but also so that I can see an opportunity. I don't know for that day that I'm walking down the block and there's hundreds falling from the sky. Can I see them falling? But this thought of can I be available to receive what I'm what I want? Can I just be available to receive? And have I created the space in my life? When we think of concrete things like the calendar, or just as I'm walking down the street, am I busy doing something else? Or can I fully receive humanity? Can I fully receive nature? Can I fully receive the sun even on my skin? The birds chirping, the sound of the ocean if I'm near the ocean. Like, can I fully receive life around me? Is what came up for me when you were saying that.

Presence Versus Phone Distraction

SPEAKER_01 22:59

I think that that was a poem, what you just said. That was really beautiful. And it's true. You just reminded me of this huge experience that I had this week on exactly the same vein as what you were just talking about. So if you've been listening, you know that I slipped down the steps and you know that I hurt my knee in the past few weeks. Two separate things, actually. So I'm going to physical therapy. And when I'm at physical therapy the other day, I'm watching someone do his physical therapy exercises and he's scrolling on the phone. He's like on his phone, doing his exercises, and I'm watching him. I'm going, wow, this is really a great way to block your own receiving of your thing you went there for. You're not a series of parts, you're an entire system. Focusing on the muscles that you're working on in physical therapy or at the gym is important. I don't think that's the same with listening to music. But like he was scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. And when I first got to physical therapy my first time, I thought, oh, I'm going to grab my phone. And then I said, wait a minute, no, I don't want to use my phone here at all. I just want to be present. I want to receive the treatment that I'm getting. I want to learn the exercises so I can do them at home so I can heal. And if I'm on my phone, I'm just distracted. I'm distracted and I'm not present. And I'm not focusing on the muscles in my body to heal them and strengthen them. And it just hit me that that is a really big way that we block our own receiving for the thing that we want, is just not being present. And our phones are a huge distraction. I mean, that's like an entire rabbit hole of issues around the phone, right? That's like not only a whole episode, it's a whole podcast of how many people aren't present for the relationship that they want or the dinner that they went out because they're sitting on their phones. It's crazy town to me.

SPEAKER_02 25:07

I think this is great. I I could totally go into like a completely different teaching around it. I think this is a wonder off wonderful opportunity for you to see how you created space in your own physical therapy to receive the healing and how that's a privilege. Like I see tons of people now that are multitasking because, yeah, it could be compulsion. And for some people, it's because they have to. Potentially, this person is working virtually and PT is offered at X amount of time and they can make it. And this is the closest that they can get to taking care of themselves. Like, I don't know. What I do know is that you were able to make the space and the time, and that you were able to not just make a conscious decision on I'm not going to use my phone, you also created the circumstances in your life to be someone that's able to do that, right? And that's what pops up for me. Like, oh, also sometimes when we're fully receiving life and we can see someone who isn't, it's also an opportunity to like pat ourselves on the back for what we've been able to do and create. And I think that's really, really wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

Yeah, it's a great point. It really is a great reminder. We really don't know what somebody else's circumstances are. And that is something that I want, and it's something that I've created in my life, and I'm grateful for the privilege to do it. So thank you for that. It's a really important piece.

Involuntary Moments And Final Practice

SPEAKER_02 26:42

Something else that you spoke about when you were talking about partners and part of what one of the reasons why fully receiving is hard. I'll use the the person that the PT, it's that there is part of us that is out of control. Like we're not in our element. We are receiving something, and it's usually not the norm, which is what makes it so delicious to receive, right? It's not, and you said like it puts us not in control. Like we're in our involuntary. And for our listeners, I'm just going to share that in case you don't know. But in our, we use the word involuntary a lot. It basically means acting or occurring without conscious control, without will or intention. So it's describing an automatic action. And it is describing an automatic action, like a sneeze or a reflex. It's not force, it's not compliant, it's like unintended. Like you just don't know. Like a laugh. I'm thinking you're at a comedy club, they say a joke and you're laughing, and the comedian doesn't know who's gonna laugh, who's not gonna laugh. You get a compliment and you just it's involuntary. Sometimes you're just like, thank you, like so fast because you don't, you weren't expecting it. And in that moment, being in your involuntary to be able to pause and practice receiving, like be able to say, thank you. I'm fully going to receive that. It's vulnerable.

SPEAKER_01 28:23

It's vulnerable and it's hot. It's great, it's inspiring. And it's so great to be surrounded by women who are playing that game, who are playing the receiving game. And when I'm around women who are like, thank you so much. I receive that. And I literally have women in my life who say that. That's a gift because it reminds me that, oh yeah, I want to be that receptive too. I want to be open to life and my desires and like the best life that I can have on this earth. And we're human, we have protections, we have patterns, we block ourselves from what we want. It's completely adorable. But we can do our best to look at where are we blocking those things and be open? Because life has so much to give us. There's so much in life that is available to us. I heard someone say once, there's enough resources in this world for everyone to be a millionaire. It's just some people believe they can and some people believe they can't. Now I'm sure there's way more nuance in that, for sure. But just if we just take that statement, what we believe and how we live our lives creates what we have. And life wants to give to us. We're here to have a beautiful experience in this life. And do you want to control it? Do you want to chase down your small little outcomes and be attached to this specific thing that you want the way you want it? Or are you open to what life or someone else wants to give you? So that's why when we bless our desires and we say, so shall it be, or even better than you can imagine, because there's something bigger and better out there. But if you're attached to your small outcome or your specific outcome, you're not open to the surprises that life might want to give you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 30:41

I think I'm going to out myself. I think a place where I sometimes I get lost in receiving is when there's a lot of input. So maybe there are a lot of people, or I'm having tons of conversations all at the same time. And someone maybe gives me something or said something. And because of speed, I missed it. That's a place where I'm practicing right now. Can I slow down even when I'm speeding because of whatever reasons? And pause and address the individual from where I'm receiving something to really be present. And I see that a lot in parenting, where maybe a parent is busy doing something else, X, Y. Can you pause for that? Or in partnership, something's occurring. Can you pause for that? Or even when you and I are co-working and we're getting a lot done and we're just moving on from one thing to the next to the next to the next, I'm so grateful that we have time to digest and fully receive the gifts that we had from our time together. I am really hoping that our listeners, family, friends, are you that's tuning in here, pauses to evaluate like how good are you at receiving right now? Have you been able to fully receive? If not, like, is there a place where you can increase your capacity? Is there a place where you can spot some great things occurring where you can be with and receive it? By digesting it, just holding it and being like, oh, this is so juicy, so great. We'd love to hear about it. Keep us posted. Thank you so much for playing. May you fully receive all that you desire. Bye for now.

SPEAKER_01 32:40

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

SPEAKER_02 32:44

Desire invites us to be honest, loving, and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.