148 ~ When Looking Inward Stops Working

When you’re so full of life that everything feels like a no, the usual advice can sound impossible. Journal it out. Move it out. Talk it out. Feel it all. But what if you can’t stand being with yourself for one more minute and even a “gratitude practice” feels like emotional spam? We go straight into that moment and name it for what it is: fullness, a real nervous system state that can make your whole body feel packed to the brim. 

We share a tool that surprised us too: put your attention out. Not as avoidance, but as a conscious way to interrupt the self-focused spiral and create space for emotional digestion. We talk through what this can look like in real life, from volunteering and helping a neighbor to calling a friend and asking “How are you?” while resisting the urge to take over the conversation. We also get into why change of scenery works, how service and simple cleaning can act like seva, and how to use clear time boundaries so you don’t overextend yourself. 

Along the way, we reflect on the difference between true overwhelm and the restless craving for “more,” and we share a tender story about learning life lessons at the pace you actually have the resources to handle. If you’ve been feeling stuck, bloated with experience, or tired of endless self-work, this conversation offers grounded options for integration, emotional regulation, and living a desire-led life with responsibility. 

Subscribe to Desire Is Medicine, share this with someone who’s been carrying too much, and leave a review so more listeners can find the show. What’s one small way you can put your attention out today?

We explore what to do when life feels so full you can’t process, move, or even look at what’s happening. We share a counterintuitive tool that creates space fast by shifting your attention outward with intention and care.  
• digestion as a metaphor for lived experience and nervous system load  
• signs of being “full” and why gratitude or processing can feel impossible  
• putting your attention out as a practical regulation tool  
• calling someone and meaning “How are you?” without making it about us  
• using boundaries and time containers so connection stays supportive  
• change of scenery as a fast way to reset perspective  
• seva through cleaning and simple service as a way to move energy  
• the temptation of “champagne problems” and chasing the next high  
• learning lessons at the pace you can actually sustain  
You can find our handles in the show notes.  
We’d love to hear from you.  

Transcript

Meet The Hosts And The Premise

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life, motherhood, relationships, and my business. Desire has taken me on quite a ride, and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher, turned coach and guide of the feminine.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married, I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of Tired and Wired, and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker, and a forever student.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners, on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

On the Desire as Medicine podcast, we talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked: being responsible for our desire. Welcome back, family, friends,

Digestion Of Life And Fullness

SPEAKER_01 1:29

listeners. Brenda and I are here with another episode of the Desire as Medicine podcast. We have been diving in wide and deep on the topic of digestion from the perspective of digested life experiences versus undigested life experiences, and how when we have had a full life or we've had some memorable experiences, sometimes we can feel full, sort of bloated, and this heavy feeling. Sometimes we it looks like crankiness, or we just don't want to do something. We feel maybe lethargic. The symptoms are somewhat similar to when you've eaten a lot of food, just slightly different. You won't have that full belly feeling. It'll feel more like full body sensation, where you're sort of like filled to the brim. And in that, we've talked about some ways to digest. We've talked about different ways that Brenda and I digest. We've talked about the importance of digest, digesting life, digesting undigested life, so that you can have more space to receive and just more space for goodness to come in. We've talked about what it looks like when you don't feel like doing it, how to bring in permission for wherever you are in the path. And today we're gonna talk about what happens when you're full. And you don't want to do like a gratitude rage where you just talk about everything that you're grateful for. You're just not there yet. You're not on the other side, you're still full. And you don't really feel like digesting it. It's something you don't even want to talk about it. You don't want to look at it. It's like, how can I get this experience out of sight, out of mind? You potentially don't even want to move. Like, maybe you don't want to go into nature. Maybe you don't want to walk it out. Maybe you don't want to talk it out. You're just like, can I just make this go away? Like, how do I make this go away? And even though Brenda and I are not for turning a blind eye or like not looking ever, we definitely applaud wherever you are. And if that's where you are, let's talk about it. Like, what options are available? And I want to say, stay with me. When I tell you what it is, you may not be so ready for it. But just stay with me. When you just can't stand to be with yourself, you can't stand

Put Your Attention Out

SPEAKER_01 4:10

like feeling into what's happening, what has happened, what's about to happen. You don't want to move or clean or do like the thought of doing anything feels like a no. Like, do you want to go out? No. Do you want to stay in? No. Do you want to talk about it? No. Do you want to not talk about it? No. Like everything feels like a no. What are the options? The best option from that location, if you can muster it, is to put your attention on something other than yourself. And that could look like potentially volunteering for a cause, or maybe you want to babysit for someone, or house sit because it doesn't require you to physically like do something, but you are in space with another human or another person. You're sort of borrowing their nervous system a little bit while also putting your attention on them. You're taking the opportunity to intermingle your energy centers, and you're going to be in a different field with someone else while also holding space for them. And what we call this is putting your attention out. So instead of having your attention on you and why life sucks and why everything's going wrong, or why did this happen, or having all the questions that don't really get us anywhere, you have the opportunity to put your attention out. Call a friend and say, is there anything you want to share? Like I have some time. I'd love to just put my attention on someone else other than myself. You'd be amazed how many people are willing to talk about themselves and take you up on that offer. But I'm sure there are so many other ways of doing this. And so I'm going to turn to Brenda so that she can bring in her genius here.

SPEAKER_00 6:08

There's definitely a time to take the attention off of yourself. As somebody who is super into digestion and integration and personal growth and personal development on my spiritual journey, always looking for the lessons and the gratitudes and all of it and feeling it all through movement and stillness and talking. Come on, people. Sometimes you're like, I'm not available for that, or you just don't want to, or you've done it. Maybe you've just done it enough. It can get really self-indulgent as well to have all that attention on yourself. So putting your attention out is genius. This is genius, right? Because there's only so much time you could spend looking in the mirror, even though you're just a hot babe. So being with other people helps you get new perspective and integrate. You know, it's so beautiful to just call someone and say, How are you? And I'm intentionally pausing right now. How are you? Like imagine somebody saying, How are you? and really freaking meaning it. Like calling a parent or a child or a friend or your neighbor and really giving them your time and attention. Your attention is one of your biggest commodities. It's very valuable. And we don't always have a lot of it. And sometimes we might have more than we think. And one great way to digest a full day or experience is to put your attention out on

A Real Story Of Relief

SPEAKER_00 7:58

somebody else instead and help you metabolize and move some of that. You know, I just had this yesterday. I had a really full day, and I have a full day today. Catherine and I are podcasting all day today, having the best time. And then tomorrow I also have a full day. And I started getting in my head yesterday afternoon. God, I have so much to do. Maybe I have to cancel something. I just started getting in my head because I was full. Well, it was my partner's birthday, and we went, drove all the way to New York City to have dinner with his daughter. And I actually considered not going because I felt so full. It was like my mind was telling me I need to get ahead of my work. I need to do this. So I have time for that. I need to practice my dance because I'm teaching this class on Thursday. I was like, nope. We're putting on our nice clothes and we're going to New York City to have a nice dinner. It was so wonderful because this is exactly what I did. I put attention out. I put my attention on him, put my attention on his daughter. We had a beautiful dinner. And I had to get out of my head a little bit. But by the end, I was like, wow, I had such a good time. It wasn't about me. It was about really putting quality attention on somebody else. And I have to say, I came home and on the way home, we were talking about it. I was like, wow, I feel so completely different. Driving in, we felt a little disconnected from each other. So we were trying to do some check-ins and you know, and on the way back, I was like, oh, I just needed to put my attention out. I needed spaciousness and to put my attention out. And my physical body needed to get out of my house. So it was all of that. And it was a really great reminder for me because I forget about this one sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

What had me think about, like, oh, putting your attention out is great. And also change of scenery is great.

Change Of Scenery As Medicine

SPEAKER_01 10:01

That was what I was thinking when you were describing it. Thinking, oh yes, you got out of your house. Often when I hear you say or other people tell me, like, I just need to be out of my house, I think movement, I think nature, I think, oh, they want to move their body. But right now I was reminded, no, also scenery. You're not looking at the same thing anymore. You're sort of out of your element. Even if you go to your favorite restaurant, like a place that you go to all the time, it's something different. And it helps us. It's just such a game changer. I don't know psychologically why that is, but change of scenery is really helpful. You go to a different coffee shop, you go to a different restaurant, you speak to a different friend. There's something in that variety that has us sometimes, it helps us get out of our own way.

SPEAKER_00 10:58

100%. You know, I'm thinking about every morning I take a walk to the beach. I'm living by the beach right now. It feels great. There's something about getting out of my house in the morning, even if it's only for five minutes, getting on the sand, seeing the ocean, getting the fresh air in my face, getting the sun on my face, the actual physical activity of walking, even if it's five only five minutes on a particular day, and then coming back home, it's like I have a fresh perspective. I think that it's very needed because it's very easy to say that there's a problem. Like I can't considered canceling dinner last night. I considered not going. I was like, maybe I maybe I shouldn't go. Well, that would have been sad because it was a lovely dinner and I want to put attention on somebody that I love for their birthday. But it's very easy to go into there's something wrong and I need to fix it. This is a very counterintuitive thing. Like, oh, I'm full. Oh, let me call my mother and see how she's doing, which I am going to do later today as well, by the way. You know, and we can put containers on it. You don't have to be available to help someone or to listen to how someone is for 17 hours. You know, I'll probably call my mother and say, I have about 15 minutes to talk today. You can do that.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

And it's not perfect, right? Like this is uh there's a learning curve to this specific strategy. Because if you're cranky pants and you're in a bad mood, maybe you don't want it. Put your attention out from that state. But if you have it, if you're like, oh, I feel crunchy, I feel full, I feel like I can't like just I can't stand it. Like, I don't know what the air quotes problem is. And you have been doing a lot of things or experiencing a lot of things, and you say to yourself, maybe I am full, we recommend you can try this if digesting it in a different way isn't necessarily, doesn't feel like the go-to, and you're like you're just a no to that. If you're just a no to the reading or writing, no to the dancing, no to all the other ways that you can digest, and you don't want to put your attention on your own thing anymore. You want to sort of put it down. This is a great thing to pick up. Like, where can I put my attention out? How can I change my scenery? Is another way. And trying to think, oh, yes, yesterday. Interesting. For me, I wasn't necessarily super full from something that happened yesterday, but I have been somewhat full from the past year. Like it in different moments, I can catch it. And I was coming back from the gym, and I just didn't want to like see other humans. I just but I was willing to sit in stillness and digest. Like I was willing to, okay, I'm gonna just go to the park, sit on a bench, and meditate for a little bit. And that completely changed my state. And I was so ready for the afternoon, but that's not always available. Like the willingness to just be with ourselves isn't always available. And I think one of the other reasons why attention out is so important is because sometimes we think, oh, I just can't, I can't deal. It's sort of the location where we can try to put our attention out, and it's so scary because it's like you can't deal, and now you're gonna go offer to hold space for someone. But when it's I can't deal with my own shit, it's like that's the time to get in connection and put your attention on someone else. And

Boundaries And When It Backfires

SPEAKER_01 15:12

the way we'll know that that was a great opportunity is if we don't, and we just feel denser and deeper in our own shit. So this is a nuanced practice, and we're offering it as a different route, potentially. It will not always be great. Sometimes you will fumble and say, Oh shit, maybe I shouldn't have put my attention on someone like me. Maybe I should have stayed in my own hole. I don't actually have it have it. It's not fullness. Maybe something else is happening. But this is an invitation for you to get to know yourself in all locations and have a better understanding at like what stop you are when there's no movement, when you're not really in flow. Is this location about fullness? And if it is, putting your attention out will be such a great way to move some of that energy that's potentially not going anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

In a previous episode about digestion, we talked about seva service to the monasteries, what it means basically, but cleaning. That's a nice way to put attention out as well. You know, putting attention out on your house, cleaning things, taking out garbage, moving things is a great way to help move things inside of you as well. And I don't know if this one counts. I'm curious what you think. Can you put your attention out? Can you put your attention out on your future self? Can you do projects that you've been avoiding, like maybe cleaning out the basement?

Seva Cleaning And Future Self

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Do you think that counts or is that a different category?

SPEAKER_01 16:58

I think it's part cleaning out the basement would be part of Save U. I find that when I am full and the best thing to do is put my attention out, I'm normally putting my attention out because I just can't be with me. And it's sort of the next best thing. If I can be with me, cleaning anything out would be my go-to because I tend to feel like my own personal energy feels very different when things are organized and things are in their space. It might not be everybody's experience, but mine is definitely that way. If I'm feeling cluttered, et cetera, if I can just see outside in my home, like, is there a spot, is there a clutter I can get through, I will feel a lot better. But if there are times, even though I'm sort of like everything in its place, everything has a place, there will be times where I'm so full or so much has happened that it's almost like my head feels overwhelmed and I I don't even know where to begin. It's this feeling of like, where do I even start? And it's like, okay, if I don't even, if I can't see a starting point, then that means attention out. And I think we get that level of clarity and nuance with our own selves by practicing. And that's kind of what we're inviting people to do, like practice. Maybe one day you feel like I'm gonna clean out the garage or the basement or the I have the energy to do that. And then you go down there and you see actually, I'm just kind of moving something from the left to the right and from the right to the left. Nothing's really happening here. Maybe chain of scenery, putting my attention out on someone else. But if you have the energy for Seva, I think Seva is a better way to digest and move things. I think attention out, I just thought of this right the second. Another time where attention out is great when potentially there is no Seva. Like everything is in its place. Like there is nothing really to address, and you just kind of feel that it's this is so interesting trying to describe this feeling of full. It's sort of like you feel this buzz in your body, this like energy that potentially wants to move, and you don't feel like it. Like you don't feel like honoring that movement. You don't feel like being with yourself in something. And that's a great time to like, all right, I just kind of need to put all my BS down and put my attention on someone else.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

It's really true. Especially if you think you have quote problems. It's really great to ask someone how they're doing or help your neighbor or walk someone else's dog and get some perspective on your quote problems, because we can get really super focused on ourselves and start spinning and cycling inside of the mess of our the basement in our own mind. And that can get really icky, counterproductive, harmful, hurtful, not using our time well. So I think it's definitely counterintuitive to call somebody when you're full and say, How are you? And like really not make it about you, but really ask them, How is it? How are you doing? It does create space, like you're emptying out what's full. And I think inevitably what we're talking about in this entire series is how do we digest our life? And we're trying to offer our listeners options, things that maybe you haven't thought of before. I don't think that putting attention on somebody else is a common way to digest. It Catherine and I made a list of ways that we digest our own experiences a couple of episodes ago.

Champagne Problems And Listening Practice

SPEAKER_00 20:56

This wasn't on the list. So it's maybe down there in the bottom of the pocket, but it's a tool that you can use attention out. And it's a good one.

SPEAKER_01 21:07

This is interesting. I think what I'm, as we're talking, I'm like, oh, attention out. One of the nuances about it is that sometimes it's because we're stuck in champagne problems. Sometimes it's because we have had a lot of life, a lot of experience, and we're looking for like the next high. We're not looking to digest. We're like just more, more, more, more, more. We're kind of like in that golem, in the I can't be, I'm I haven't hit my satiation point of goodness. And I just want more. I don't want to pause and digest what I have. I just want the next thing. Like, what's the next thing? Where's the next Amazon box? Like, what's the next dopamine hit? Where's the next high or peak that I can hit? And when we're there, sometimes whatever the phrase of making a mountain out of Mohill, whatever little seed is sort of causing an irritation feels like a mountain. And putting our attention out or asking someone, how are you? and letting that person because if you haven't done this before, I'm gonna just let you know right now, you're gonna want to talk about you. You can't do it. You gotta go in mindfully with intention. No matter what happens, I'm not talking about myself. No matter what I want to share, this is not it. Like I'm intentionally putting my intention out. This is a research to see how I feel after, like what clarity comes from that other side. We're not saying that you're gonna put your attention out and you're like the Buddha, and you're not gonna have any temptation to like take over the conversation. You definitely want to take over the conversation for sure. And I'm telling you now, don't do it. Because that's not where the medicine is. The medicine is in staying quiet and just putting your loving attention on the other person. Brenda is just dying on the other side. Hang on.

SPEAKER_00 23:04

It's so funny. I'm so glad that we're talking about this because it's so easy to be like, how are you? and then talk about yourself for 25 minutes. Yeah. We're trying to take the attention off of ourselves and put it on somebody else, like really helping another person by listening or physically helping them with something. It's a beautiful thing. I think we need more of that in the world.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

For me, sometimes that's a game that I play with the universe when I'm putting my attention out because I want the universe to speak to me and I'm listening. So it's like two conversations that I'm having at the time where I'm putting my attention on someone else or something else. And I'm just allowing my mind to be in there and I'm not on myself. And sometimes that has looked like back of house, like maybe I'm working for someone in their spaces, and it's not about me or what I bring or anything like that. I'm just fully backing someone. And sometimes that looks like I am at one of my family members' houses, and they're they're having a party of some kind or they're having some sort of celebration. And I am just like, how can I help? Like, what do you need, and how can I help? And not having it be about me, just fully backing the somebody else's vision, somebody else's desire, and putting my attention on that. That is a different way of describing, like putting your attention out. We really hope that this episode sparks something in you that you can continue to be creative about how you can enjoy and reap all the benefits of your life experience and your lived experience. Because we can talk all day and night about what we want moving forward and how what we have today was already created yesterday, and today we're creating for tomorrow. We can get stuck in that wheel that we just don't have the thing. We can look at all the ways and what's blocking us from receiving that. And in today's episode, we really want to continue to help you to receive what you already have. This is reminding

Lessons That Arrive Too Soon

SPEAKER_01 25:32

me of something that happened to me very early on. Oof, it's tender, it's a tender spot. I think I was about 16 or 17, at most 19. And I think this was a theme that was coming in and out for me. I was young, I didn't have that much guidance. I didn't have really like parental oversight at that time anymore in my life. That was gone. And I started, I come from a very religious family, and you know, the concept of God and what that is, some a power bigger and greater than us. And I started to feel into the idea of potential reincarnation or you live more than one life. And I didn't want to decide, because for Christian homes, that's not a thing. That's like evil talk or something. Like you don't, you have one life, this is it. And then you go to the kingdom of God, and that is it. And I started to be with the thought that, like, damn, my life had been hard. Like effing hard. And I started to think, I can't, and I could, I can there is nothing that will change what has happened. Whatever has happened has happened. And I actually can't control if in the future what has already happened will happen again. But the thought dropped into my mind, well, what if what has happened is here to teach me something? And what if I can learn those things and not go through those particular hardships again? And then I was committed. I will learn and do my best to learn the lesson when it's here. That was young me. And I have also like that was young me, that was over three decades, four decades ago. Now the me today understands that sometimes a lesson will come and it's just too hard to learn right now. And I'm willing to let it go and I'm willing to like relive it because for whatever reason I don't have the resources, the stamina, the mindset to reap it. But if we can in any way, shape, or form, Brenda and I, motivate you to really reap what you have already sowed, then we've done some great work here. Thank you so much for listening. We are just so happy to have you.

SPEAKER_00 28:19

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

SPEAKER_01 28:23

Desire invites us to be honest, loving, and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.